In life, we often forget where we came from. We get so wrapped up in our everyday lives, distracted by whatever responsibilities need our attention, that it’s easy to just let the days pass by without realizing just how much things have changed. We may even begin to believe that things have always been this way, that we’re these banal and static beings unless we go hike a mountain or backpack across Asia. But we aren’t static; we are constantly changing and evolving, whether we see it or not. We are the dynamic characters of our own stories, even if the evolution isn’t always obvious at first. Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and look at how far we’ve come in to see where we are. That being said, this week was one of those times where I just needed to take a step back from my life and see where I came from and how much I’ve changed.
8 Years Old:
I was never a rambunctious, loud and boisterous child like my brother and sister were (that’s not a bad thing; I’m glad they get to yell and run and be as silly as they want). I was a shy, quiet child who didn’t have many friends. I got bullied for my crooked teeth and for being so soft-spoken. People picked on me because they knew I wouldn’t say anything or stand up for myself; I was called weird more times than I was called my name. However, I think I didn’t stand up for myself not because I was too scared or shy to do so. I didn’t stand up for myself because I thought that they weren’t worth my time. I was a silly, weird child who spent most of my time at the lake by house pretending I was in a fairy-tale book (I always acted out Alice in Wonderland) or else making a hide-out in the woods nearby, and I liked myself that way.
14 Years Old:
Wait, what’s that sound? Oh, it’s a mental illness! When I was around 12, I started showing symptoms of that little thing called depression, and in the next few years, it only got worse. As I was starting high school, I was in a bit of a weird place – I had more friends, but I felt lonelier than ever. I didn’t come out of my room very often and would hardly ever move from my bed. And, yes, this is around the time when I started self-harming. Honestly, at this point in my life, I hated myself. I was no longer that silly little girl who liked her weirdness; no, I tried to subdue it. This was not a very fun time in my life and, to be frank, I don’t think you could pay me to go back.
17 Years Old:
At this point, things were a bit better and a bit worse. By now, I had moved schools, made new friends, got into a loving relationship, and had finally gotten onto medication. And I was slowly starting to accept myself, which would be a long and narrow journey. I found people who loved me. However, on the other hand, I was also more stressed than ever before. I was applying for college and, between my plethora of responsibilities, barely had time to breathe, let alone take care of myself. Despite being on medication, my mental health still wasn’t great, but I was a year clean from self-harm, so I was taking steps in the right direction. I was ready to get out of my tiny town and out somewhere I could stretch without feeling so claustrophobic. I only had a year to wait….
20 Years Old:
And that brings us to today. I am 20 years old and a junior in college studying Creative Writing and Media Communication Studies. I cut off all of my hair after wanting to do so for over a year and have dyed it more times than I can count. I have the three best friends I could ask for and a fiancée who makes me happier than I’ve ever been. I have my own apartment that feels like home, two cats who I treat like they’re my babies and a life that I never thought I would have. And I’m happy. I can officially say that for the first time since I was that weird, silly little eight-year-old, I am truly happy. Sure, I still deal with mental illness and it’s not always sunshine and flowers, but I’m happy. I wish that silly eight-year-old could see me now, but she will one day.
All photos courtesy of Jaelynn Hart.
Want to see more HCFSU? Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest!