One of my favorite things about living on campus is the strong reputation held by each dorm. Not only do I still identify with the dorm I lived in, but I have my personal biases and love for each dorm on campus. Because of this, here’s my indisputable fact-based list of what I’d feed you for Thanksgiving based on your dorm. This is obviously just for fun, but please know that I’ve never been wrong before and don’t intend to start now!
Azalea and Magnolia – Green Beans
I just don’t think it’s fair that these dorms are so nice. Maybe it’s because the dorm I lived in was considerably less nice, but this feels quite unfair. I’m giving you guys green beans, but please picture that they’re the kind that are steamed in the microwave and only seasoned with salt. They’re fine, I guess. If you like that. But no one is picking this dish first, unlike the dorms you all lucked into. Can you tell I’m jealous?
Dorman and Deviney – Sweet Potato Casserole
Dorman and Deviney have slightly different reputations. In my head, I imagine them as two young kids at the family Thanksgiving dinner, and one is causing a lot of trouble while the other follows them around like a shadow and somehow also ends up in trouble. For this reason, sweet potato casserole seems like the perfect choice.
Personally, I think this dish is disgusting. Worst food ever created, hands down. However, I’m also a relatively picky eater, and apparently, plenty of people like this dish. I think if you live in Dorman or Deviney, you deserve some sweet potato casserole. It’s what you get.
Landis – Moldy Toast
I don’t know what it is about Landis Hall, but there’s something that feels so stuck up about this dorm. It’s not even the fact that it’s mostly honors students; there’s overflow honors housing in Gilchrist, and those kids seem fine. Maybe it’s the centralized dorm location, or maybe it’s the horror stories I heard from a former Landis RA, but regardless, you guys are getting moldy toast. Sorry, I guess.
Ragans – Grilled Carrots
Unlike a lot of the other dorms on this list, Ragans — as one of the four apartment-style dorms — is mostly upperclassmen. For this reason, I’m giving you all grilled carrots.
They’ll have a delicious charred flavor to elevate the fact that they’re carrots, with the added bonus that they’ll hopefully improve the eyesight you’ve probably destroyed from staring at your laptop for class four years straight.
DeGraff – Turkey
Living in DeGraff brings plenty of challenges. Not only did you live across the street from the campus and have to cross through the tunnel to get to class, but you also got a great view of the Tallahassee Strip from your room. How incredible!
I know it’s a bit divisive, but I love dinner-cut turkey. This classic main course is my favorite part of the night, and I think you all deserve to have it.
Reynolds, Bryan, and Jennie Murphy – Mashed Potatoes
You guys are perfect. Never change. I’m giving you mashed potatoes, but please specifically imagine you’re getting your ideal mashed potatoes. Whether these are the smoothest mashed potatoes of your life or the kind with little chunks and bits of skin, you deserve the mashed potatoes of your dreams, and I intend to give them to you.
Wildwood – Pillsbury Flaky Layers Biscuits
I don’t know that this is on everyone’s Thanksgiving table, but these are a Wasserman family classic every year, so I’d be remiss not to mention them. To me, these biscuits are the best thing ever invented. You just pop them out of the package, bake them in the oven, and they come out hot, fresh, and buttery. I like to pull the layers apart as I eat them because it makes it more fun.
Do not take this gift lightly: these rolls are the highlight of my Thanksgiving every year. This is your treat for having to deal with the band. They’re great! They sound awesome! Yet, it can get really annoying at times, and that’s okay.
Broward – ham
My favorite forgettable dorm! I feel like people don’t know this dorm exists for some reason, which is strange because it’s in such a good location!
As a reward for having to explain where your dorm is every single time you mention it, I think you should get his underrated main course. Everyone I know who has ham as their main course is very passionate that it’s a better choice than turkey, which feels on brand.
Cawthon – Mac and Cheese
I don’t have mac and cheese at my table, but apparently, plenty of people do! I love mac and cheese, so it obviously had to be included. The wonderful and incredible Cawthon residents deserve nothing but the best, so this was clearly the perfect choice for them. Please share with the ghosts. They will want some, too.
Traditions – Vegetable Platter
Traditions Hall is hands down the best apartment-style dorm on campus. With only two roommates, you and your bestie get to enjoy your own rooms, a kitchen, and a great location. If I sound jealous, it’s because I am. You get a vegetable platter. Imagine celery, carrots, and cherry tomatoes. I’m going to be super nice and allow you to have your dipping sauce of choice with this.
Gilchrist – Mozzarella Sticks
My ideal Thanksgiving appetizer. If you’ve ever talked to me before, you know about my obsession with mozzarella sticks. Truly the greatest thing ever invented. My Gilchrist baddies obviously deserve something so superb and incredible.
Rogers – stuffing
Stuffing, my beloved! Another dish that makes Thanksgiving more bearable. Apparently, it’s easy to see through the windows, but all I can think of when I see the building is the bars covering it from head to toe; distinct prison energy. I think you deserve some stuffing for having to put up with that.
Mccollum – cranberry sauce
I can’t believe there’s a dorm on campus that’s actually a little two-story townhome situation. I’m so viscerally jealous right now that I don’t know what to do about it. I hope you enjoy eating your cranberry sauce by the spoonful because that’s the only thing I’m giving you, but I guess you can make more stuff yourself in the kitchen on your first floor.
Salley – cakes and hugs
This one should be self-explanatory. You’re almost free, I promise! One more semester, and you can finally experience life outside of Salley! In an ideal world, the cake will be frosted with pink buttercream and have the words, “Congratulations on surviving your first semester in Salley Hall,” written on the top.
That’s it! You’re all obviously welcome at my Thanksgiving table, but don’t be surprised by what I decide to feed you when the day has come.
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