American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross defines the Five Stages of Grief as “a series of emotional stages experienced when faced with impending death.”
Ah, yes. Sounds vaguely familiar.
It’s about that time to put away the selfie stick you got over the holidays, dust off that economics textbook you spent way too much money on, and throw your dancing shoes in your closet because exam season is up and running again and the only club you’ll be hitting up for the next few weeks is Club Stroz.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve already got your planner color-coded and post-marked for those important dates, but you’re still freaking out over acing the first exam of the semester. You do it every semester, but it never gets easier. We all pull through in the end, but not without experiencing the five stages of grief first.
1. Denial and Isolation
This step creeps up on you two weeks before the exam. When in between a game of Trivia Crack and checking what day of the week it is, you glance at your planner and catch a glimpse of the dreaded four letter word: EXAM. “Oh, I still have two weeks to study. It’s fine.” This is the time when you ignore all responsibilities and are still emotionally stable enough to make it out after happy hour. People start asking you when you’re studying for the exam and you’re just like, “Are you serious? It’s way too early to start studying.” You’re so cute and naïve.
After you’re done going out for a week straight and that Monday before the exam hits, you convince yourself that it’s go time. In your favorite pair of leggings, an FSU hoodie, and fuzzy socks under your boots, you prance on over to Stroz, determined to get stuff done. You even rent out your own private study room. You know, those on the third floor with the existentialist writing all over the desks? Yup, you mean business. Until you miss your best friend three hours later and they convince you (over Snapchat, of course) to come over for a Friends marathon.
2. Anger
You know this one all too well. You beat yourself up over not studying early enough, lash out at your roommate for eating the last slice of pizza, and hate your professor for assigning so much work. Commence resting b*tch face. Also, no studying is getting done because you’re too busy hating everything.
3. Bargaining
We hit this point about halfway through the week, coincidentally a few hours before Wine Down. “Okay, if I finish reading ALL of the material for the exam, I’ll have a glass of wine with the girls before they go out.” A few hours and three glasses of wine later, we’ve only gone through about half of what we were supposed to be done with. “But I have to go out. I got these new wedges I have to show off. Okay, forget it. Pass me the bottle of wine.”
Repeat the next night before going out to Purgatory at Pots.
4. Depression
Would you look at that? It’s the night before the exam. You’ve given up on Strozier and have resorted to your roommate’s bed. Cue the tissues because it’s going to be a long, tear-filled night of cramming. Once again, you’ve procrastinated your way to the exam and now have to deal with not only learning all of the material in a few hours, but also dealing with your emotions. Part of you wants to give up and go to bed. The other part of you wants to cry. Absolutely no part of you wants to read about politics. More wine.
5. Acceptance
It’s finally the morning of the exam and a few things can happen. The first: you fail. It’s a learning experience. It’s only the first exam so you still have a chance to get your grade up, right? Plus, now you know how to study for the next ones. The second: You somehow pull a B on the exam and run home to whoever is there to celebrate your incredible BS-ing skills. The third: You get an A! Chaos ensues. You head straight to the bar with the weirdo you sit next to in class. You are never seen again. All three end with a celebration because whether pass or fail atleast it’s over… until next week, of course.
Disclaimer: The third outcome almost never happens so make sure to study hard for your first exam, Collegiettes!