It’s ingrained in our minds to look out for red flags when getting into relationships. Even on the first date, we’re watching for signs like being rude to the waiter, not letting you get a word in, or overordering before “forgetting” their wallet to determine the course of the relationship. Because they’re such a commitment from the start, more cautious steps are taken to ensure that the person you are choosing to be with is good, respectful, and the right one for you.
Friendships, however, tend to have a more casual start. There’s no binding commitment in the buildup to becoming friends, yet the longer a friendship lasts, the deeper it gets. In many ways, a friendship is as special and integral as a relationship, and a break-up between friends often hurts more than one in a relationship. So, why don’t we ever look for red flags in our friendships in the same cautionary way? Due to friendships being so casual in their nature and so easy to fall into with the right people, we’re not always on high alert for anything otherwise. Sometimes, it’s hard to determine when teasing becomes bullying or playfully rolling their eyes becomes a real annoyance.
Friendships matter on the same level as relationships, and it’s only fair for people to want to surround themselves with healthy bonds in their lives. It took me a long time to determine what’s good for me in a friendship, and I’d rather have a few friends who treat me well than a large amount who don’t. There were so many red flags I failed to see when I didn’t know to look for them. Therefore, many of my boundaries were crossed, and I failed to defend them. To avoid further tribulations and determine the best people to keep in your life, here are some red and green flags I’ve learned to look out for in my friendships.
Red Flag: The Friendship is One-Sided
Sometimes, we don’t even recognize this issue until we stop putting in effort. Maybe you’re the friend who always texts first, makes all the plans, and makes the only effort to remain friends. Or maybe your friend calls you to vent about their problems but then goes silent and seems disinterested when you talk about yours afterward. If you try not texting them for a week and they end up not sending any messages, it might imply you’re the only one holding the friendship together. Quite honestly, it’s not worth putting so much time and energy into it if the other person doesn’t care to.
Green Flag: Healthy Communication
To keep a bond going, it takes effort from both sides. If there’s a misunderstanding or a mistake, you should be able to sit and talk through it. When both parties are dedicated to solving the problem, the communication is healthy and strong. Not getting defensive, acknowledging the other person’s feelings, and respecting one another’s opinions are incredibly important to maintaining a healthy bond and incredibly valuable in a friendship.
Red Flag: They Feel a Need to One-Up You
The last thing any friendship should be is a competition. Even beyond comparing achievements, little moments where all you say is you’re tired, and it’s met with, “You’re tired? I had five classes today and six assignments due!” can build up a lot of anger if they become repetitive. Or mentioning how your mental health isn’t great and you’re feeling depressed, and it’s met with, “Depressed about what? My life is always depressing, but I don’t have time to complain about it.” Even the worst moments are up for competition over who’s day sucked the most.
It feels so draining to express any emotion or event with someone constantly ranking theirs over yours. Everyone’s feelings are valid, and a friendship should be a safe space to express those feelings without conflict. If we didn’t like it when our parents did it, why would we like it from our friends?
Green Flag: They Respect Your Boundaries
Every person is different, whether it’s due to being an introvert or extrovert, sensitive or hard-spoken, religious, etc. Because of those differences, it’s important for a friend to respect another’s boundaries when they’re set. Maybe you don’t want to go out, aren’t comfortable being around certain people, or there’s a certain type of food you can’t eat. Setting boundaries requires mutual respect for the friends setting them. Honoring those boundaries in a good-natured way will always be a bright green flag.
Red Flag: The Friendship Drains You
Time with your friends should feel as easy as going for a walk. You shouldn’t feel as though you’re holding anything back or keeping anything pent up. Your energy shouldn’t be depleted as a result when you say goodbye. In simpler words, you should be able to settle into a friendship and relax, as if you’re walking into your room and lying comfortably on your bed.
I remember this feeling similar to putting on a mask; you’re performing for the rest of the day until you get back to your room. It took me a while to associate my drained feelings with the actual cause, as we sometimes forget to check in with ourselves. If you find that your friendship is the cause of that drained feeling, it might be worth taking a step back to observe.
Green Flag: The Friendship is a Safe Space
Especially in college, it’s so important to find a space where you can relax and be yourself without judgment. If your friendship feels like this, chances are it’s going in the right direction. There should be freedom to laugh, cry, yell, sing, and vent without any opposition and with the best people imaginable surrounding you. Spending time with your friends should bring you joy and leave you feeling content and refreshed. As someone who struggled to find friends in college for a short while, I know that the wait is worth it if it means finding the ones who will treat you as an equal and form a bond that makes you both better people.
While we can’t always know what to expect in friendships, what we can always keep in mind are the boundaries and standards we set for ourselves. Friendships surround us more than relationships do, and it’s only right to want the bonds throughout our lifetime to be healthy and worth being in. Having a good friend by your side is what makes life that much richer!
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