10 Tips for Tough Conversations Over Turkey This Thanksgiving

A house divided is not uncommon; many of us dread meeting the extended family during the holiday season. Unsurprisingly, given the rapid changes looming soon and this election, sensitive topics will likely be brought up around the Thanksgiving table. So, here are 10 tips for navigating tough conversations over turkey to lessen those family tussles:

Make a Toast (Set Expectations)

If you’re hosting, you’ll probably make a toast to welcome everyone to the table. While thanking them for attending and expressing your gratitude for their love or friendship, you can slide in the goal of the Thanksgiving dinner.

A simple sentence to casually slip into the focus of tonight’s conversations shows your guests your expectations. You can say “…I’m looking forward to catching up with all of you and talking about how grateful I am to have you all. Tonight, we should focus on friendship, peace, gratitude, and love….”

If you’re not hosting, you can still say a similar sentence during one-on-one conversations. If conversations start escalating, you can try to diffuse the situation by outright reminding your guests of the focus of the Thanksgiving meal. I’ve found that the conversation and mood change before any damage can be done!

Back to Basics (Neutral Topics)

Herding the conversation to a neutral topic can be challenging, but I think it’s an excellent diffuser. Neutral topics can be something everyone can relate to, like a family-favorite TV show, an interesting story that happened in your personal life, or talking about future plans and vacations!

For example, if the topic of Germany’s current state of government comes up, you may want to steer the conversation by stating that you’ve always wanted to visit a German Christmas Market and then dive into other European countries you wish to travel to! Hopefully, a few relatives will be happy to jump in and engage with you, but if it gets awkward, I always turn to a younger cousin who’s got my back and ask where they would like to visit!

Let Them Cook (Lend an Ear)

@likay100

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If a sensitive topic is brought up, let them speak without interrupting so they feel that they’re being heard. Acknowledging their different points may lower certain tensions. In my experience, letting them know you heard and understand what they said is crucial.

For example, you can say, “I see where you’re coming from. Although I see it differently, thank you for your opinion.” You can then change the subject or continue having a calm and focused conversation if you feel up to it. If tensions rise, it may be wise to say something like, “I understand your point of view, but I still stand by mine. Again, thank you for sharing and debating this with me, even if we don’t see eye-to-eye. Let’s focus on something else before we get too heated because I respect and love you.”

Everyone say “I” (Rephrasing)

When adding to a discussion, I’ve found saying “I” over “you” makes a huge difference. For instance, rather than saying, “You just don’t get it,” you can say, “I’m not sure if I explained this well enough.” See how there’s a difference in tone and vocabulary?

This simple change can be difficult to come naturally, especially when you’re upset, but I’ve found it can help create a calmer discussion and prevent the other person from feeling like they’re being attacked.

Combo Pack Failure (Retreat and Revisit)

Even with all these tactics, some conversations may still get heated. This could be a sign to disengage and change the subject completely. You can do this by combining tactics: “I hear what you’re saying, and maybe I am not adequately describing my point of view. However, tonight’s goal is family, peace, and gratitude, so let’s change the subject to lighten the mood. I’m thankful you’re here and am excited to have some of Mom’s turkey tonight! Doesn’t she always do a good job with the turkey?”

This sentence lent an ear, used “I” statements, set expectations of Thanksgiving dinner, changed the subject, and used a neutral conversation about Mom’s turkey.

Kindness Goes a Long Way (Be Respectful)

@hey.dally

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♬ original sound – Dally Snacks

Remember to keep your cool and be kind when having difficult discussions. It’s hard to be rude to someone who’s consistently calm, collected, and respectful. I’ve found that playing the peaceful pawn helps them match your energy, as well.

Stand on Business (Set Boundaries)

I believe that placing boundaries is a crucial step to not crash out. When there’s a certain topic I’d like to avoid, I know it’s okay to set a boundary and not talk about it. You can simply ask the person to kindly change the subject, letting them know you’re not in the mood to discuss that topic today.

Look at the Bright Side (Stay Positive)

It’s easy to spiral when stressing about the future. If you, a family member, or a friend start to get upset and anxious over the future due to current events, it’s understandable. I like to remember (or remind them) to take deep breaths and offer a more positive alternative or say a positive point that can come out of the potentially worrisome situation.

Make ‘em Laugh (Humor)

I noticed that cracking a joke can help diffuse tensions at times. If played adequately, it can help make people chuckle and move on to lighter topics. If you’re the family self-proclaimed comedian, this might be a natural way to help lighten the mood!

Take a Breather (Leave the Conversation)

If a relative is really out-of-line and outright offensive, it may be time to use some echoing tactics. Some people don’t realize what they’re saying when they’re heated. You can echo what they’re saying by stating, “So what I’m hearing is…” or “What an odd thing to say out loud.” I’d only recommend this if your relative or friend is actively offending people who are close to you or with you at Thanksgiving dinner.

@thatgirlwithpinknails

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♬ original sound – thatgirlwithpinknails

If you’ve tried several of these tips and they’re still persistent, it might be time to take a step back. Sometimes, there’s nothing you can do about stubborn relatives, and it can deteriorate your mood or hurt your feelings. For your sake, the mature decision to excuse yourself and get more dessert may be a helpful move!

Remember to keep your cool, keep it light, and keep it kind this Thanksgiving. I like to remind my friends and family of the true focus of why we’re gathering this special holiday. By spreading peace, gratitude, and respect, you can see how it’s mirrored back to you. A house divided never stopped me from enjoying some turkey and gravy!

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