What’s spookier than an abandoned mountain hotel boasting elevators full of blood, creepy kids who talk to dead people, or a sociopathic clown that terrorizes quaint New England towns? That’s right, being ghosted by someone you felt you had a genuine connection with. Everything seems to be going well when, seemingly out of nowhere, the person disappears into thin air — vaporizing like a ghost until they’re nothing more than a faint familiar scent or vague bittersweet memory.
In this age of dating apps, friends with benefits, situationships, and keeping things casual, people are becoming accustomed to treating or being treated with a lack of common courtesy and respect. It’s so much easier to just go “pick out a new one” on Tinder than to put in the work to create something meaningful. Relationships are considered unnecessary pressure by those simply looking for a good time. Refusing to put labels on things allows one to avoid being held accountable for his or her actions.
Has the immediacy of social media created a lack of maturity and decency by lowering our attention span and causing a certain numbness in our psyche due to content overload? Are we truly fine with hurting others to avoid proper communication and honesty? Are we nothing more than options to be judged by appearance and quick availability? Let’s break down the worst offenders, the damage they cause, and what red flags we can look for to avoid future ghostings.
Research shows 29 percent of people admit to being ghosted, but the numbers are much higher for those in the 18 to 29 age group at 42 percent. We often think of men as being more apt to ghost due to the endless tales of women being unceremoniously dumped after hooking up, yet a full 24 percent of women claim to have vanished from the lives of the guys they were talking with or dating with no warning.
Ghosting can happen in both short and long-term relationships but is more likely early on when the “ghost” doesn’t feel he or she owes the “ghosted” an explanation. They just “weren’t feeling it,” so in their mind, it was perfectly acceptable to disappear without a reason. The ghoster chooses the easier, more comfortable option for him or herself rather than having a mature conversation with the person they were getting to know. They might even convince themselves that it’s kinder to retreat versus telling someone that they want to keep their options open, aren’t on the same page, or just don’t feel a strong enough connection.
Attachment style plays a big role in how we communicate in relationships. Roughly half of the population is what we call securely attached. These people tend to have strong boundaries, good communication skills, and healthy self-esteem. The insecurely attached make up the other half, consisting of dismissive avoidants, fearful avoidants, and anxiously attached individuals.
Of the insecure attachment styles, the avoidant personalities tend to ghost more often than average due to the high importance they place on independence, along with their fear of rejection and abandonment. Interestingly, avoidants tend to give a lot of attention initially but often discard their partner when things become “too real,” as this would require vulnerability and commitment. Anxiously attached people end up being ghosted more often than others because they have a propensity to be eager to please to maintain the connection, lowering their boundaries and possibly ignoring warning signs in the process.
Not all who commit this social faux pas do so maliciously. Some ghosters are emotionally unavailable, struggle with their mental health, have low self-esteem, or are dealing with challenges in their life. Ironically, though the ghost may feel initial relief at not having to confront the situation, all too often, shame and guilt arise from the knowledge that they hurt someone unnecessarily. It’s okay to take a step back when life becomes overwhelming, or expectations don’t align. What’s not okay is stringing someone along for your own entertainment and bailing without so much as a “it was nice knowing you” or “I wish you the best.” We all have problems, anxieties, and fears, but how hard is it to go out with kindness and respect for someone who cares about you?
Anyone who’s been ghosted can attest to the pain and humiliation it often causes. Some quickly move on, but for people with insecurities, it can be difficult. They are often left ruminating over what they may have done or said wrong. Humans regulate their emotions by using social cues from others and struggle with ambiguity. With no closure, a ghostee might find him or herself filling in the blanks to come up with answers. “If only I were prettier, funnier, smarter, more interesting.” It can leave the one left behind clinging to the very things they fear most about themselves.
The not knowing can cause severe damage to a person’s self-esteem, as they often end up feeling devalued and unlovable. This can be especially challenging when the relationship is in-person or long-term. It’s almost expected on dating apps when you’ve only chatted a time or two, but when you’ve put a lot of time into getting to know someone, and they walk away like you never mattered, it can be heartbreaking. The ghostee will question whether the connection was even real and blame him or herself for falling for someone who never had the same intentions. It can cause a person to build up walls to protect from further hurt, leading to a wariness of future potential friends or partners.
What can someone do to avoid being ghosted? Unfortunately, it can be difficult to predict, as people aren’t always who they seem. Additionally, most people desire love, connection, and acceptance, which could lead to one ignoring signs and behavior that might seem painfully obvious in retrospect.
If a friend or romantic partner puts in little effort, and you find yourself being more invested than they are, they probably don’t consider you a priority. If you’re being breadcrumbed, and they show interest only when you pull away, they could be using you for attention and to feed their ego. If you’re often left on “read” or there’s little initiation from the other person, they’re probably not into you and are just hoping you’ll get the hint. If they’re able to interact with everyone else on social media but can’t be bothered to acknowledge you, consider moving on to someone whose best part of the day is hearing from you. Stop caring for someone who has given you a million reasons not to.
Whatever the motivation, and as painful as it can be to understand at the time, the ghoster has done you a favor by showing you who they really are. The behavior is a reflection of them, not you. Don’t chase after someone who thinks nothing of walking out of your life. Let them go. Sadly, this is your closure because the way they leave tells you everything you need to know.
Focus your energy on the person who consistently shows up, values you as a human, and cares about your mental health and well-being. This Halloween cast out those ghostly memories and choose someone who chooses you!
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