An invisible force pushes us as women into a world that doesn’t always feel like our own. It whispers promises of belonging and acceptance and the illusion of freedom. It’s a world that thrives on quick connections, fleeting moments, and a culture that equates love and intimacy with physical encounters. But, for some of us, those promises ring hollow, and the weight of this expectation feels suffocating.
We live in a society where participating in hookups and casual sex has become increasingly normalized. While on a midnight drive, you’ll blast mainstream songs from your favorite artists touting uncommitted relationships. You’ll move past billboards encouraging you to download dating apps like Tinder to “Meet the love of your night” or Bumble, stating, “You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer.”
We’d come home from high school after a long day wanting to unwind and were greeted by some of the most popular series at the time, such as Euphoria, or reality TV shows focusing on attraction, body counts, and lust over commitment and marriage, like Love Island. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with these types of entertainment, it begs the question: With this generation being immersed in these ideals through the advancements in technology and changes in societal expectations, how has it changed the way we view other people, intimacy, and instant gratification?
When I started college here at FSU, one of the biggest party schools in the nation, there was a certain pressure to give in to the very present hookup culture on our campus. I’d think, “What if I did it once? Maybe I’d be accepted. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’d have more to contribute to conversations with my friends.” The weight of all the “maybes” and “what ifs” became taxing, and I desperately wanted to feel like I belonged.
However, the countless nights I spent listening to my friends discuss in painful detail how they felt like they were treated like objects that could be replaced as soon as someone more attractive came along quickly changed my mind. I’d watch them sit around waiting for a text from the guy they spent the night with, only to be met with silence. They’d cry on the floor of their bathroom all night, repeatedly asking, “What did I do wrong?”
If you didn’t meet the needs of these men, they’d simply move on to the next person. In our digital world, it’s easier than ever to find someone to hook up with. One swipe is all it takes for your ideal partner to show up at your door. Gone are the days when men had to impress their dates with romantic gestures, like buying flowers, surprising them with cute date nights, or writing cards filled with heartfelt messages.
These guys may tell you they’re “over hookup culture” and that they’re “not like other men.” They’ll talk about how much they value women, how they no longer believe in playing with emotions, and how they’ve grown beyond casual sex. They’ll even quote Bible verses, as if somehow quoting a sacred text will change the reality of their past actions.
These men claim that they haven’t hooked up in years and are now looking for someone who shares their desire for commitment. You want to believe them. Maybe they’re different. Maybe this is the person who truly sees you, respects your values, and wants to build something lasting. But as time goes on, you start noticing cracks in the façade.
What happens when you refuse their invitation to their room, when you don’t get undressed after they turn on a movie? Suddenly, the pressure starts to build. They try to convince you, in the most charming and charismatic way possible, that it’s just a movie, you’re just having fun, and you’re wasting their time if you don’t comply. It becomes clear: the effort they’re putting in — the movie, the smooth talk, the sweet words about wanting something real — isn’t about you at all. It’s about them, their need to feel validated, and their expectation that sex is just a transaction. They’ve invested in the moment, so surely you owe them something in return.
And then you hear the familiar refrain: “Can I be honest?” They say it like they’re being transparent and showing you a side of themselves that’s real, but in truth, it’s just another form of manipulation. “Can I be honest?” turns into “How could you waste my time like this?” or “I thought you were going to give me what I brought you here for.” And in those moments, you realize that all the things they said — about valuing women, having grown beyond hookup culture, and wanting something real — were just words. It’s a mask they use to deceive and get what they want from you.
What’s even more insidious are the men who know exactly when to strike. The beginning of the school year is when impressionable freshmen, newly away from home and eager to fit in, strive to reinvent themselves into cool college women while shedding their former high school selves. These guys also know that the end of the school year brings out a vulnerability in many women. The stress, emotions, and fear of what comes next all compound into a raw openness. These men know that if they wait long enough, they can exploit that emotional state. It’s the perfect opportunity for them to swoop in, pretending to be the “safe space” you need and the person who will finally understand you.
They’ll get you to open up to them, talking about your deepest fears and insecurities and the moments that haunt you the most. They’ll ask questions that make you feel like you can trust them — questions about your past, childhood, and heartbreaks. They’ll tell you that you’re special and that you’re the only woman they’ve allowed into their space. And, for a moment, you believe them.
They’ll even tell you, with complete conviction, “You know I could never lie to you.” These words are meant to melt away your defenses, to convince you they’re not like the others. You want to believe it; you want to believe them — that this person is different from the ones who have played you in the past. However, as soon as you let your guard down, it all crumbles. The truth is, the moment they’ve gained that trust, they use it to manipulate you.
And, what you don’t know is that tomorrow night, they’ll have someone else in their room with them, asking for the same trust and handing out the same empty words. Lather, rinse, repeat. The playbook never changes. The cycle continues as if your vulnerability is nothing more than a stepping stone to the next conquest.
There are, of course, good men out there — ones who’d never hurt you for their own gratification. Amazing men exist who are honest about their intentions and don’t play the hearts of women they know are searching for more. Additionally, there are strong, accomplished women who thrive in casual sex situations where they’re finally free to explore their desires without the constraints of commitment. More power to those who are upfront that a simple hookup is what they’re after.
However, if you feel like you’re being pushed toward a culture that doesn’t resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. In the end, we all deserve to make choices that align with our values, free from shame or judgment.
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