What does a bored, single girl do on the first Sunday night of February after a four-hour rom-com binge and half a box of refrigerated dark chocolate? Go outside? No thanks. Touch grass? Sounds boring! Giggle in the dark recesses of your room as you record nonsensical voice prompts for the worst dating app profile of 2024? Yes, exactly!
Dating: the ultimate enigma for many of the college girlies. Last week, I took my iced chai latte to-go so I could eat outside and enjoy the spring’s 50-degree weather. What I was met with was a girl very visibly distressed as she was talking with her snapback-wearing beau.
“I waited for you at the club all night. You literally never showed up, and then I saw you went out with the guys on Snap. We never see each other anymore. And I want to see you because I really like you. I told you I really like you. I thought you, like, liked me too? You said you did…”
Then he leaned back in his chair, let out a loud, bronchitis-sounding couch into the chilly air — no, he didn’t cover his mouth — and said in the perfect frat-ccent, “Yeah, just like…maybe the way you like people is different from the way I like people, you know?” Oh, brother. Girl from the cafe? This one is for you.
This Andie Anderson experiment wasn’t about mocking the dating app scene or the people who use dating apps — please, continue to do you! I wondered if, by presenting a profile that tried to push everyone away, I might shed light on the kinds of connections — superficial or sincere — that college daters really want. Are we looking for a laugh, for love, or perhaps something in between?
Creating the Worst Profile
Before I go into the types of guys that engaged with me, I should give my credentials as to how I made my profile so horrendous. The first part was responding to every prompt, like “What is your greatest fear?” or “What do you like to do in your free time?” with the most unnerving answers.
To that second question about free time, I answered “Staring at walls! Lovee staring at walls, disengaging, crying, descending into madness, what have you! One thing about me, I like to get down and have a good time! Thx!” Yes, I ended every answer with “Thx!” I thought it added a certain not-socially-aware pizazz.
The final part was now actually responding to guys. One of my notable favorites was a guy who in response to a “What’s your favorite dad joke?” prompt said, “What do you call a bear in the rain?” A nice opportunity for him to tell a joke and win you over with some humor, right? Wrong.
I decided to respond, “1985. The night my father died. It was dark. Raining. Yellowstone National Park. Winter. It had never been colder. (I’m writing a book of poetry about it, thx for the prompt!)” Yeah… I would say that profile might win the Razzie for the worst of dating apps in 2024.
the types of guys i matched with
Type 1: The Gym Bros
If you’re familiar with dating apps — or maybe this is just a Hinge moment — your home screen may also be littered with pictures of shirtless guys posing in front of the mirrors in the gym. Whenever I saw those pictures, I wondered what exactly the people around them were thinking. “Yeah, bro! Go ahead and take your pic! I’ll wait to do my set on the bench! You look good!” At least, that’s what the unhinged person I created in my profile would say.
The Gym Bros section of my experiment was an eye-opener. Even with as weird a profile as I had, they didn’t hesitate to swipe right and engage. Actually, the guy who used that bear-themed dad joke prompt was a Gym Bro. And how did he respond to my poetic, unsettling answer? “What else can I help u with.” Oh, man. Come on, dude! That’s it?
These initial messages from the Gym Bros, never really any longer than three words, reflected the straightforwardness you might expect from someone whose primary mode of expression involves physicality rather than verbosity. This interaction highlighted an interesting facet of digital dating dynamics to me — snap judgments based on looks are encouraged by the app’s design.
Pictures are nice, they show who you are, but what we care about at the end of the day shouldn’t be how many bicep curls you can do. The scope of a whole person can’t be captured in a gym selfie — you know you have more to say than two words!
Type 2: The Indie Boys
Sigh. C’mon, guys? A prompt asking me if The Clash or The Cure is better, and then saying whatever I say is going to be wrong and you’re going to debate me about it? Is that the best way to get a date?
I had an answer for a prompt asking what my activities were. I said, “Cooking, working out, eating, gaming, listening to music, anything I can do to get my demons out! Thx!” And yet still, with as odd as that answer is, I got a comment from an Indie Boy saying, “there’s no way you don’t listen to any other artist than taylor swift.” Really, dude? Boring!
The Indie Boys are the best-dressed people on dating apps, with good music and quirky jokes to back up their profile. But that’s about it. I found that when you engage in a conversation with them, it often leads to a disappointing exchange where they try to “outdo” you on your own uniqueness or insist that, no, you don’t know music, art, films, or insert fandom here like they do.
Despite the initial appeal of their well-curated aesthetic and seemingly expansive cultural knowledge, the charm quickly wears thin when conversations turn competitive rather than connective. Ladies and gentlemen, this should be a reminder that we make a true connection not by one-upping each other’s cultural credentials, but by finding common ground and mutual respect for each other’s tastes and opinions. After all, the goal is to find a partner, not a debate opponent!
We’re all special and unique and cool in our own way! You like The Clash, I like Phoebe Bridgers. If we put down the pitchforks, we might find out that together we make a whole manipulator! Just kidding. Get to know each other, guys!
What Did I Learn?
My week-long journey into those swampy depths of dating apps, engaging with Gym Bros and Indie Boys alike, revealed a craving for genuine connections that, I think, can’t be satisfied with just a swipe.
This experiment wasn’t just about poking fun at the dating scene. It was a reminder that, at the end of the day, we’re just looking for someone who gets us. So, guys and girls, let’s take a step back from our curated profiles and open up to the possibilities of real, meaningful connections. Simply put, talk to people on dating apps like they’re actually in front of you. Make a genuine connection with another human being. After all, isn’t that what we’re all swiping for?
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