The famous RuPaul ends every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race by saying, “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anyone else?” I couldn’t agree more. I’ve always had a very strong sense of self-worth, and I’ve struggled with not having my love and energy be reciprocated in friendships and relationships. Because of this, I’ve had to learn how to protect myself and my feelings. The way I do this is through standards. Standards keep me safe and protect me from people who are not meant to have access to me, plenty of whom are in Tallahassee.
Merely recognizing your own value isn’t enough. If you understand that you deserve something better, why invest your precious time and energy in someone who isn’t worthy of it? Upholding your standards and maintaining respect for them protects you from getting hurt. When someone enters your life without meeting your established criteria, you might be unsatisfied by how they interact with you, navigate your needs, or offer support. This principle extends beyond just your relationships and encompasses all aspects of your life, including friendships, professional pursuits, and even family dynamics.
You aren’t asking too much. You’re just asking the wrong person.
Setting My Standards For Others
I have standards, and they serve as my guiding principles.
Feeling Safe and Heard at All Times
I firmly believe that the way someone speaks to you when they are unhappy speaks volumes. No matter how mad or upset someone is with me, my feelings still matter. For me, allowing someone to discard me or scream insults at me when they’re emotional or incapable of dealing with something is simply not something I am willing to accept. Why? Because when I allow such behavior, I create a relationship that lacks safety.
My standards set my expectations for the experiences I encounter. Good experiences come from high standards.
It’s beyond your control when someone hurts you. You have no control over when someone disrespects or invalidates you, but you have power over what you will tolerate. I realized the only way I can limit how much I am hurt is by setting standards and upholding them. Your life’s experiences are determined by the people you let into it.
If someone hurts me, setting standards prevents me from being hurt in that way again. I hold the power.
Apologies Don’t Excuse Bad Behavior
Flowers, a sentimental apology, or promising not to do it again does not excuse bad behavior. It’s easy to treat someone well when things are good, but it takes someone who truly values you as a person to respect your feelings through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I know what my standards are because of my past experiences. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, people have to come into your life to show you what you don’t want because that’s how you learn what you do want. I now know the standard I need to set for how I want to be treated.
Setting Standards for Myself
Looking and feeling attractive all comes down to one thing: respect. When I respect someone, I am more attracted to them. And when I respect myself, I feel more attractive.
When I started implementing going to the gym into my daily routine, I noticed a difference in how those around me respected me. At first, I thought this had to do with the effect it had on my outside appearance, but then I realized it was something deeper.
Being controlled and consistent shows others that you are safe. It also shows the lengths you will go to for what (or who) is important to you. This also applies to accomplishments. Achieving goals and being disciplined demonstrates your ability to commit and persevere. People are drawn to this because they desire such qualities in relationships. What matters is not the accomplishment itself but rather what it reveals about the individual.
Motivational speaker Leo Skepi talks about this idea of discipline dictating the way other people perceive you, and it is actually life changing. One of his main ideas is that the more someone exudes discipline and self-respect, the more attractive they become. It’s your dependability, your consistency, and the actions you take to better yourself that draws people to you.
You and everyone around you recognizes when your character is strong. Be confident in your character and never doubt your worth. When I adjusted to this mindset and began to regard myself highly, so did the people around me.
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