The 47th Annual Country Music Awards just went down, so I’ve been told (this no cable thing is not going well for me). Now, even if I did have cable, I probably would have tuned in for about ten minutes before switching to something else because I don’t enjoy watching beautiful, rich, and famous people getting even more rich and famous while I sit on the couch in my sweatpants eating Nutella straight from the jar. Ahem. Anyway, though I didn’t see the actual award show, I did see the fashion, which is what I’m going to be reviewing today. Because who can you trust more when it comes to fashion than the girl that wears running shorts and a t-shirt to class four out of five days a week? That’s right, nobody.
Kimberly Schlapman
The top part of the dress could work, but then it’s ruined when it’s combined with the Black Swan-meets-Swiffer-duster bottom. Look at that sweet smile. She has no idea that she’s about to be ripped apart by online fashion experts (can I group myself with them? No? Okay).
The Band Perry
Wow, wow, wow. Kimberly looks so pretty. Like a little China teacup or something. The brother on the right is looking freaky as ever though. Cut your hair, man, you’re scaring the children! (This picture is super flattering. Google “Reid Perry” and TELL me he doesn’t look like someone you’d meet in a dark alley.)
Carrie Underwood
Gorgeous. Carrie never disappoints. (Just kidding, look at the next picture.)
You win some, you lose some. This is a loss. Are those brass eagle wings surrounding…her lady parts? And a bullet shell belt? Come on Carrie, you’re better than this. This outfit looks like something out of The Hunger Games.
Brantley Gilbert
I’m going to go ahead and assume Brantley is not married because any woman with half a mind wouldn’t allow her husband to leave the house like this. Dear God, man, it’s time to stop shopping at truck stops.
[ pagebreak ]
Kellie Pickler
This dress looks so good on her that it almost makes me forget about the time she went on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? and asked if Europe was a country. Almost.
Lucy Hale
It kind of looks like she just draped her bed sheets over her body. Expensive bed sheets—probably at least 1,000 thread count—but bed sheets nonetheless.
Taylor Swift
T-Swift, lookin’ classy as ever. She looks like the embodiment of Christmas, and I dig that. I bet she was singing Christmas songs to herself the whole night in that angelic voice of hers.
Hunter Hayes
Okay, I’m just including him because when I first saw him I was like, “What’s King Joffrey doing at the CMA’s?” Not the same person, but you have to admit that the resemblance is striking. Suit looks good though, Joffrey. I mean, Hunter.
I’m going to have to give the fashion at the CMA’s 2.5 out of 5 donuts. There were a few winners, but overall I’m feeling very underwhelmed, as the Cupcake Wars judges would say.
As always, remember to tweet me (@sydschaefer) any comments or suggestions about what I should consider next week. Until next time, stay classy Tallahassee.