Don’t let the title scare you away. For many of you, I’m hoping this will just be another article you can tack onto your “things that made me feel an intense melancholy” board. And for the rest, I hope this serves as a future memo for what to expect.
Less than 100 days away from the big day and I am finding myself terrified of my future. What was the butt end of a joke last semester becomes the subject of my nightmares. I’ve seen all of the Facebook posts and the throwback Thursdays seem to get sadder and sadder, as us seniors (and early graduates) note our 4 years coming to an end.
So here are a few common symptoms we all go through (though they may vary):
You’ll find that walking across Landis green becomes an almost ritualistic moment for you. As you cross it, you slip into this memory-athon of all the places you used to set up camp on there. For me, I can see my friends and I with our blankets, Pub-Subs, and flip-flops as we lounge around for hours a day; friends coming and going. I can see each spot where we hung out, can remember the guitar sessions, the random puppies all named Doak or Campbell running loose, and the hot summer heat that lasted until mid October.
Image from user magicalayrtonnnn
You’ll start to feel a weird and pressing urgency to break back into the dorms you once lived in. The one dorm where you first began defining yourself will hold on tightest to your heart. For a lot of us, the sight of Dorman, as it towers in the sky, brings a sadness we can’t really explain. For all its mold and dampness, there was an odd affection we had for it and to running into each other in the hallways after midnight. It’s the feeling of community that really leaves a lasting impression on you*.
You’ll suddenly have an urge to do everything you did your freshman year. Going to the SLC to enjoy a free movie even though you really don’t have the free time anymore (you go to the 7:30 showing because 10:15 is just too late). Perhaps you’ll stop off at the bowling alley and quickly realize why you stopped going; but nevertheless you’ll inhale that air deeply and everything comes rushing back to you. You’ll go to every carnival or fair or concert and wonder why you’re there about 30 minutes into it, but hey, the free food was great!
You’ll watch as the tours start parading across campus. Your heart tugs a little because that was once you and you can’t believe you’re on the other side of the tour; looking in instead of looking out. You can see exactly what they see, feel the same sense of nervous pride they feel, you laugh at the questions that remind you just how innocent you once were. Maybe some of you follow along for just a little while because wouldn’t it be great to rewind time and do it all over again?
You’ll start taking all of these photos and adding super sappy captions because it may hit you one morning that these are the final times all of us together can celebrate a girl’s night (or guys night). Suddenly, every moment becomes the most important moment to hang out with your friends.
You’ll look at yourself randomly in the mirror and you may be surprised to see a few tears escaping. Everything becomes a two-sided scene: what you are currently doing and it’s mirrored by what you once did (typically as a freshman or sophomore, both kind of blend).
I know this sounds terrible and it is sad; there is no arguing that. But I will confide that while you’ll discover and uncover an array of emotions, you’ll be filled with this incredible pride that you’ve made it this far. It’s surprising because it seems like yesterday that you were a freshman and messing around because 4 years is forever and you’ve got time.
Mean Girls knows us too well
It sneaks up on you and you wake up one morning having to apply for graduation (which was so anti-climactic can we talk about that?). And then you find that every moment and every new memory you make with the friends that made the cut after sophomore year all have odd meanings to them. You’ll be hit with a moment of silence in the middle of Cancun’s as you’re all making a toast with your margaritas. You’ll look around and you’ll feel an overwhelming sense of joy that these are the people that made it this far with you. You’ll smile and try not to cry as everyone laughs at the one friend who always spills her drink. And you’ll feel like you’ve met the people that will hold onto you for the rest of your life.
College is rough. There’s no denying that. But by the time you get to where I am, you will be so comforted by the fact that you made it. It may take you 3 years or it may take you 6. No matter the time, everyone that comes near graduation day begins to feel like finally, they’ve made it.
So to all of you out there reading this, congrats because we’re almost there and I couldn’t have done it without you.