Possible trigger warning: eating disorder.
You hear it all the time. You would be so much prettier if you lost some weight. Sometimes, if you hear it enough, it becomes the only thing you think about.
Ever since I was a kid, I was on the heavy side. It wasn’t until the summer before my sophomore year of high school that I decided to change my eating habits and become more active. I downloaded MyFitnessPal, started watching what I ate and began running every single day. It started off great; the sudden change in diet caused a drastic drop in my weight and by the end of the first three weeks, I had already lost 15 pounds.
I got back to school in the fall and all the compliments flooded in. You look beautiful! Wow, you look so thin! You’ve changed so much! Keep going, your hard work is paying off!
I appreciated the comments—I thrived off of them. And I just wanted more. I went from eating three meals a day to eating one and handing out my food my mom had packed me for lunch to those around me. I was eating no more than 600 calories a day, I upgraded to a gym membership and spent two hours in the gym every single day, making sure I was burning at least 200 calories more than I was eating.
I was in the best shape of my life—physically. Mentally, my relationship with food began deteriorating and the perception I had of myself was on the floor. As my weight decreased, so did my ability to love the person I had become. Food became numbers and the scale became my best friend.
As I kept losing weight, the attention I was getting from people who had never noticed me before kept me going. But when I was all alone, the thrill of it all faded away. The mirror refused to show me all the great things about myself and showed me only the things it wanted me to change.
Thankfully, my mother noticed the toll my weight loss had taken on my mental health. She was cleaning my room when she found three rotten sandwiches at the bottom of one of my clothes drawers. She immediately jumped to action, and so my journey to recovery (that I reluctantly accepted) began.
This is what they don’t tell you about losing weight. They don’t tell you that even the simplest things in life suddenly become your enemy. They don’t tell you that bananas stop being bananas and become 110 calories and 30 minutes on the treadmill. They don’t tell you that soon enough, nothing you do seems to satisfy you.
The one piece of advice I can give you is: do everything for yourself. Do not make decisions about your body based on the comments of others. If you are healthy, if you feel good, if you love yourself, do not let anyone around you tell you that you can’t. Do not fall into the deep, dark hole that is social media. Those girls you see on Instagram are absolutely beautiful, but so are you. You are so much more than a number on the scale, the amount of calories you consume or the amount of time you spend in the gym. Living to satisfy others will only leave you empty—trust me.
If you are currently struggling with an eating disorder, it gets better. I promise one day you will feel comfortable in your own skin again, but for the time being please take care of your body. Listen to what it needs; it carries you through life and it needs you to treat it the way it deserves.
For resources on seeking help for an eating disorder, visit National Eating Disorders.
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