In my social psychology class, one topic that we covered that was very interesting was attraction and intimacy. To aid our discussion of these topics, we read an article by John Gottman, a psychologist and professor who has worked for over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. In the article, Gottman describes what makes relationships work versus not work.
He describes that while individuals within relationships can have different communication styles from one another, there are four things that he dubs as “the four horseman” that can sabotage your attempts to communicate with your partner. As these behaviors become more and more habitual, individuals find their relationship becoming increasingly eroded with tension and negativity. Over time, partners eventually become deaf to the other’s communication efforts at resolution.
The first of “the four horseman” is criticism. Rather than complaining about a situation or instance, an individual who criticizes attacks their partner’s character. Rather than saying “I was scared when you did not call me like you had said you would,” the criticizing partner says, “You are selfish and you never think of others.” The victim of such criticism is left feeling rejected and hurt.
The second is contempt. When an individual communicates this way, they are mean, calling their partner names, mimicking them, or mocking them with sarcasm. Contempt goes a step further than criticism. Rather than attacking their partner’s character, the individual with this communication style assumes a position of superiority over their partner, belittling them. The victim of this attack is left feeling worthless.
The third “horseman” is defensiveness and is usually a response to criticism. This occurs when an individual makes excuses, plays victim, and refuses to take responsibility for actions or reactions that have hurt their partner. Often, this individual not only responds defensively, but also reverses blame, making their partner feel guilty and at fault.
The fourth is stonewalling, which is typically a response to contempt. This occurs when an individual withdraws from interaction, shuts down, and freezes their partner out. It takes time for the first three “horsemen” to become so overwhelming that a partner resorts to stonewalling, but when it does it can become a bad habit.Â
If you have noticed a tendency to act or react with these communication styles in a relationship, your relationship is not inevitably doomed. It is, however, important that you become aware of these habitual behaviors in a relationship and seek to replace them with healthy, productive ones. For example, if you are someone who resorts to criticism, try and replace derogatory “you” statements about your partner with “I” statements about your feelings. If you are someone who finds yourself practicing contempt, reflect and remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and the efforts they make to meet your needs. If you struggle with becoming defensive, place yourself in your partner’s shoes and offer a genuine apology for wrongdoing. Lastly, if you find yourself stonewalling, take a break from discussion and do something relaxing until you feel ready to address things in a productive way.