TW: Sexual Assault
In recent months, after becoming sexually active with my partner in a committed relationship, I’ve found that I do not have the same confidence in my sexuality that I had with my previous partner, despite the fact I was not as experienced with my previous partner, nor were we sexually active in the same way as I am now. Just for the reader’s clarification, my previous partner and I, while sexually active, did not engage in traditional, penetrative sex. My new partner and I do.
I chalked this new resurgence of sexual insecurity up to it just being a new experience for me, and I figured that I’d get over it soon enough. However, weeks passed, and I still felt this ever-present anxiety surrounding these discrete sexual acts. I should note that I did not feel anxious regarding the concept of being sexually active with my partner, but rather as soon as I was presented with certain acts I had two primary reactions. The first was a typical panic response for me: chest-tightening, increased heart rate, and shortened breaths. As an individual with Panic Disorder, this type of reaction is normal for me to experience multiple times a day, and I honestly expect it. It did not bother me so much as the second reaction; I was overwhelmed with a stream of intrusive thoughts that I could not ignore, no matter how hard I tried. Thoughts like, “You’re not good enough”, “He’s had better partners than you and he’ll leave you if you don’t get better”, and others that are much more vulgar, but I’ll spare the reader and keep those to myself.
I’ve read tons of articles that talk about how getting in your head about these kinds of things can ruin the experience for you, and possibly your partner, but I couldn’t help it. I also couldn’t help but be confused about what was causing this. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t having these thoughts and feelings about having sex, which was a relatively new experience for me. Instead, I was having these reactions only when I was performing a particular sexual act that, in all honesty, I’ve been doing since my later years in high school.
I needed to figure this out for my sake and my sanity, so I decided to start a dialogue with my partner. I first asked if he had noticed anything regarding my behavior before, during or after this particular act. He responded saying that I actually seemed very enthusiastic before, but he could tell that I was a bit distant during and after. It was true, I did always engage enthusiastically, mostly because I wanted my partner to enjoy himself. However, I couldn’t help but succumb to my intrusive thoughts once I was doing the deed.
So the question remained: why was this all of a sudden such a big deal? I hadn’t felt this kind of anxiety towards this specific act since I was 17. In fact, it was something I -privately- prided myself on! It was the one thing I knew I was good at in a sexual context; the one thing I could control.
And then it hit me: my current partner is the first sexual partner I’ve had since my sexual assault. He’s also the first partner I’ve had that hasn’t assaulted me in any way. The aforementioned individuals, over long periods of time, groomed me to respond to their dominance, and engage in sexual acts under their terms, with little (or in the case of my assault, no) consent from me.
In my new relationship, a completely different dynamic existed, built on a foundation of mutual trust, respect and understanding. I know now what it means to be respected and loved by a partner who truly cares for me, and because of this new revelation, I must have subconsciously realized that I never truly had any control in my previous relationship. I had used that feeling of pride and control previously as a coping mechanism, an illusion. Being disillusioned, it opened up a vulnerable space in my mind that was quickly filled by anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
There is no overnight solution to this. In fact, this is a revelation I’ve only recently discovered, and I am still working towards overcoming this mindset. But the hardest part is always understanding what the root cause is. Thankfully, I’ve accomplished that first step. My partner has been so understanding regarding this new, and frankly unexpected, journey of mine, and I’m so grateful to have him. However, I understand this journey is mine to walk alone. If I depend on my partner too much, I’ll have fallen into the same pattern of behavior that started all this. So I’ll go on ahead, with the knowledge that I am enough, inherently more than enough.