Every woman has been brought up with the knowledge that sex before marriage is bad. And for some reason this sin is weighed differently than every other sin. Why? Why is this action held at such a high standard, why are members of the church so judgmental towards those who have sex before marriage? Purity culture is toxic and is remarkably degrading to young women; sex isn’t some awful sin that makes God hate you.
Kissing is bad
Around the ages of 13-16 young girls are told about the “rules” that go along with purity and are advised to make the decision to save themselves for marriage. This means that they will not have sex before they get married, and the hope is to only be with that certain individual for the rest of their life. Along the same lines, young girls are taught to not think about the opposite sex so that no impure thoughts are provoked. Around the ages of 13-16 teenagers experience small acts of intimacy such as holding hands, first kiss, first boyfriend, etc. These little acts lead to vast amounts of guilt in an individual, because their whole life they have been taught that the smallest acts of intimacy lead to sex. And with anything leading to sex, that means you have committed the “worst” sin. Young girls are given purity rings as an outward acknowledgement to the world that they are saving themselves for marriage. The purity ring became a bigger deal in the early 90’s when there was a huge rise in STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) among teens; many religious groups took it upon themselves to make it into a religion issue. Some even took it as far as turning the purity ring into a ceremonial type of event (The history and meaning behind the purity ring. Mountz Jewelers. (2016, November 22).
Be careful how you dress
Have you ever imagined how confused a young girl would be if she got raped? Imagine growing up in a household where all you have ever been taught is that sex is this awful thing, and then being taken advantage of. Is that young girl impure now that she had that form of innocence taken from her? At the end of the day it does not matter, but you will always hear the statement “it was what she was wearing”. That is another toxic trait with purity culture that is not talked about nearly enough. Why are women taught to dress a certain way because men cannot control their urges? From the article “Nobody Wants to Date a Whore”, it briefly discusses that women are held “responsible” for any sexual violence they experience in a relationship. And because they are “responsible” that means that men and women are not held to the same standard in a relationship. This article also discussed that if women are not submissive to their husband, they will suffer consequences.
Is God mad?
Relationship over religion is a phrase that anyone who was brought up in a Christian household has heard at least once. Religion is taught to be some set of rules that you have to follow to be right with Christ, while the relationship is about you and God and not about any of those “rules”. Regardless of if you are a Christian, everyone is under the impression that God forgives. Purity culture has taught individuals that once you break your promise of not having sex until marriage you have committed this huge sin that will be difficult to forgive. A woman’s virginity is taught to be some sort of a gift they save for their future husband, and if you lose it before marriage then you are considered “dirty”. So, why is this sin different from cheating on a math test? From the point of view of a Sunday school teacher, this would be an unspeakable sin one could commit. Being equally “yoked” with your partner is very important because you want to make sure you have the same values before you enter a serious relationship. Some would say sex strengthens a relationship, but not before marriage. Women are urged to not even think about sex until marriage because if you think about sex that means you will have sex.
Be Better
The times have changed. Young women that are uneducated and being critically judged on whether they have had sex is very disappointing. The majority of the judgment is coming from those of the Christian faith. Jesus would not judge those who have made poor decisions, rather he would love them and help them through any guilt they might be wearing on their shoulders. Young women who have been brought up in this toxic environment have many wounds that need healed, and they cannot do that with constant judgement.
Sources:
Hanonick, A. (n.d.). What is purity culture and why it is extremely damaging to young girls and women. The University News.
Klement, K. R., & Sagarin, B. J. (2016, October 14). Nobody wants to date a whore: Rape-supportive messages in women-directed Christian dating books. Sexuality & Culture.
Purity culture and Christian morality: A breakpoint symposium. BreakPoint. (2019, November 15).
Purity culture: A Primer. Adventist Today. (2021, November 8).
The history and meaning behind the purity ring. Mountz Jewelers. (2016, November 22).Â