“How are you?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Good.”
What you see here is a normal interaction we all have engaged in. This is a rather common pattern of interaction where a script is being followed. When you ask someone “how are you doing?” do you truly wish to know? Or do you however, unconsciously want to abide by a script given to you? If you “went off script”, what would happen? What would others think of you? Some scripts in our society can provide a foundation for a deeper relationship to blossom in the future. However, many of these scripts are poisoning our self-concept, acceptance of others, and our world.
This week I came across Justin Baldoni’s Ted Talk, “Why I’m Done Trying to be Man Enough”. You may know Justin from his role as Rafael in Jane the Virgin. Rafael is a masculine character known for his playboy lifestyle.
Baldoni sarcastically states that he has played some of the most respected male role models as seen through his role as male escort #1 in a film. He states that he has played many roles that required him to dismiss anything feminine. Baldoni explains that these roles do not reflect the type of man he is and desires to be. Many times in Hollywood, we see the same actors portraying the same type of person. Many times in Hollywood, they depict Latino men as if they were “oozing machismo” and Baldoni has also been placed in this inaccurate depiction as well.
Baldoni challenges us to evaluate what script we follow and the script we are teaching young boys and girls to abide by. As a child, Baldoni wanted to be accepted by the other boys in school. However, this meant rejecting anything remotely feminine and accepting a “broken definition of masculinity”. Boys and men are given a script where they are given a lot of lines. However, these lines do not discuss insecurities, feelings of shame, gender equality, struggles, or anything that is viewed as “feminine”. Baldoni states, “Men are good at talking just not about anything real”. How does one reject and rewrite this script? Baldoni states that in order to change the script he has created experiences that force him to be vulnerable. As he has begun to practice vulnerability, he has also formed accountability amongst friends and family. Due to this formation of accountability, this has caused others to be more authentic as well. This even applies to individuals Baldoni has never met in person.
Baldoni tells a story of a man he interacted with via Instagram. Baldoni posted a picture of him and his wife. In the caption, he stated his love and appreciation for his wife. A girlfriend tagged her boyfriend in the comments and the boyfriend’s responded by labeling the picture as “gay”. Instead of responding in an aggressive manner, Baldoni privately messaged this individual asking about the comment. The user responded that public displays of affection were looked down upon growing up. Additionally, he stated that this sort of behavior was depicted as being strictly “feminine” and inappropriate for men to engage in. Baldoni engaged in a short conversation with him and the user opened up about his love for his girlfriend and issues regarding his ego. Weeks later, he sent Baldoni a picture of him proposing to his girlfriend and simply wrote, “thank you”.
Instances such as these prove that we need to create safe spaces that empower individuals to embrace both the feminine and the masculine. These spaces need to foster vulnerability and accountability in order to encourage people to not abide by a script that devalues others.
My favorite part of the Ted Talk was when Baldoni cried out saying, “stand up to other men when you hear locker room talk”. We see our friends and family, celebrities, politicians, and our current President not only engaging in this disgraceful behavior, but also normalizing it. This issue is not purely a problem of gender because anyone can engage it; therefore, it’s a human problem. When we excuse locker room talk, we then excuse the behaviors that follow. Do not be a bystander to locker room talk and have the courage to change the script.
Will you respond to Baldoni’s call to action? Will you change the script that you abide by and encourage others to partake in? I am responding to this call to action. Baldoni is proud to call himself a feminist and intentionally inserts himself in situations in order to alter and improve the script. I am also a feminist and I have reframed how this word has been negatively depicted. In addition, I have taken the core message of the word and have crafted it to compliment my beliefs. I should be taking ownership of the word. However, I find myself neglecting to use my voice but instead striving towards creating a “comfortable” environment. I use excuses in order to avoid discussing the same important topics Baldoni explored within his talk. Too often do I feel my fear climbing down my throat, and I restrain myself. I find myself taken back to when I was labeled as a “Femi-Nazi” and a “man hater”. I can clearly hear the voices of both men and women talking about one another and themselves in a degrading way. I can still hear the boys in school using “gay” as an insult. I am reminded of the many times I remained silent. It is time to change the script I abide by and the script I tolerate being used around me. Let me ask you, what script will you choose to follow? Or will you create your own?
If you would like to watch the full Ted Talk, click the link below.
https://www.ted.com/talks/justin_baldoni_why_i_m_done_trying_to_be_man_enough