“Dumped” would be my new relationship status on Facebook if it were an option. Being broken up with is never easy, but on my healing journey thus far I have discovered something important about media and society’s perception of modern dating as a 20-something.
As a student studying social media, I analyze TikTok trends very carefully. Some trends hit harder than others, and for me, the “someone cooked here” trend on TikTok had me in a chokehold for all of August. This trend was hilarious and so revealing at the same time. If you aren’t aware, members of the TikTok community would post videos recalling a time they were pleasantly surprised by their boyfriend already knowing about or how to do something they did not expect. Alongside this realization, the sound says that “someone cooked here,” implying that a previous relationship taught the man about that thing. These surprises range from having an entire CeraVe skincare line in their bathroom to having seen the Notebook before, to even secrets of pleasing women in the bedroom. They are usually very niche, “girly” things that only girls appreciate or understand, so it is always a surprise when a man already understands them.
Overall, the trend has a bad connotation to it; women do not want to actively think about the past relationship of the man they are with and how good or bad it was. If women must acknowledge that their man was previously so close to and cared so much about another woman that they came to understand our niche quirks, it creates a very uncomfortable and unsettling feeling. Therefore, this trend mostly expresses how women wish their men weren’t “cooked”, for lack of a better term. They want to cook him up just right themselves – start with a blank slate per se.
I’m here writing this to report to all women that no, you absolutely do not want a blank slate or an “uncooked” man. Here’s why:
As we get older, we should expect that our potential partners have likely had dating experience before. It does not necessarily mean they have been in deep and committed relationships, but some dating experience nonetheless.
This man I just spent 5 months entertaining had dating experience, but nothing like a deep connection within a serious relationship. I didn’t take it as a red flag. I figured he was open to something meaningful from what I could tell, but he just hadn’t found the right fit. I thought he could be the person I could craft into a wonderful boyfriend since he’d never done it before. I could teach him how to love right.
If you ever catch yourself thinking this way, let me tell you that you are WRONG. We are not in high school anymore. We are not adolescents just dipping our toes in the water of relationships, we are young adults constantly growing and learning to better understand what we want out of connections. It is simply not worth any young woman’s time at this point to entertain a relationship with an uncooked man.
Of course, there are exceptions to any claims made about relationships when it comes to connection. Use your own discretion to see if this applies to your situation, but for the most part, uncooked men are not worth the time of day if you are looking for a real connection in your 20s.
That’s why I say that this trend of criticizing cooked men is a bit ridiculous, and actively lowering our standards as women. Why should we shame men for understanding how to love you and understand you the way right based on previous relationships? At this point, I am willing to say I would love my next potential partner to be absolutely ROASTED. Showing people how to love you specifically is important, but I don’t want to spend my time teaching any more men with step-by-step instructions on how to even be in a relationship.
You don’t realize how blank a blank slate of a boyfriend is until you date one, and I’m here to tell you it isn’t worth it. It’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes at the thought of the intimacy your partner might have had with someone else in their past, but take it with a grain of salt and see their past relationships as a good thing that they have learned from and that ultimately led to who they are today. You deserve great love, and you deserve to have standards that reflect that. We are not cooking the men ourselves anymore; we deserve better than that.
Say it with me now, “someone cooked here” is a good sign, not a bad one. #CookedMen2023