One of my all-time favorite t-shirts has the slogan “I <3 Female Orgasm” blazoned across the chest. It’s simple, truthful and to the point. What’s not to like? These shirts are not very uncommon to see on the Geneseo campus, since most students can get one for free from the yearly campus event of the same name, but suffice it to say, I turn a few heads when I wear it off campus.
Some of the above-mentioned shirts.
I just really love the energy of horny t-shirts, and I’m not talking about the lazy ones men like to wear with punchlines like “Female Body Inspector”. I mean genuinely clever or bizarre ones – those are the ones I’d like to reside on my body. Here are eight favorites of mine that I probably shouldn’t wear out of the house lest my mother faint, but would, regardless.
1) “Honk if You’re Horny” Sweater, $48.00
Life would better if my chest operated as novelty squirting flowers (which you can buy here as an accessory to this powerful sweater if you so wish).
2) Southern Exposure “Naughty Animals” T-Shirt, $22.50
These crocodiles are more adventurous than I’ve ever been in my whole life. Plus, as far as I can tell, they’re not visibly gendered, so that’s score one for gay rights.
3) “Toys Before Boys” T-Shirt, $29.50
That’s my motto, anyhow.
4) “Nobody Takes Us Sex Symbols Seriously” T-Shirt, $25.99
Okay, maybe this one is in line with my previous “shitty t-shirts men wear” stipulation, but the power I would feel emitting from a woman wearing this would be immeasurable.
5) “SLAYER” Sweater, $60.00
Not as horny as some of the other list entries, but this sweater definitely has an energy to it.
6) “ORGANGIRLS” T-Shirt, $35.00
“Nude” and “gore” together read as a creepy porn category, but in this case, they make an awesome t-shirt.
7) “Vibrator Diagram” T-Shirt, $18.69
You’ve got to appreciate the science behind it.
8) “Snake Wrangler” T-Shirt, $25.00
I feel like the guy on this shirt could afford to look down for a quick moment before those other snakes take chunks out of his pecs.
Did any of these shirts titillate you? Maybe you now want to join me on my horny t-shirt journey.
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