Finals are just around the corner! Like other collegiettes, I can’t help but fall to procrastination sometimes. It’s a vicious cycle that I have complete control over, yet somehow I never learn from my past mistakes.
At least I am aware that the upcoming weeks will be filled with procrastination, denial and stress. If I expect it, then I can’t be disappointed, right? Here are the 11 phases of finals week.
1. Staring blankly at your screen or textbook until all knowledge on a subject is acquired
Somehow, if I just stare long enough or hard enough, all of the facts will absorb into my brain without any mental effort whatsoever.
2. Doing ANYTHING to avoid doing work
My friend that lives across campus needs help carrying groceries from her car? Of course! I do need to put more effort into random acts of kindness, and what better time to start than on page three of this 13 page paper due at 11:59PM tonight!
3. Taking a break after accomplishing nothing
This morning I woke up, had breakfast and opened my textbook for 13 minutes and 45 seconds. I totally deserve a three hour Netflix break.
4. Realizing the reality of failure and its consequences
Well, this exam is tomorrow and this is the first time I am opening this textbook. I have shown up to lecture maybe seven times this semester and have put in the minimum to get to this point. I have gotten C’s on the last two exams, but I know that I just have to work hard for the final and I’ll be fine. Wait, the final is tomorrow. I haven’t learned anything all semester. I messed up.
5. Laying in bed and crying
What is the point? Why even try now? I’m just going to fail out of college. Clearly, if I just lay here and cry all my problems will be solved.
6. Reflecting on every poor choice made this semester
Why did I spend so much time daydreaming of that boy that sits three rows ahead of me in class? I never even talked to him! I should have paid attention in class and maybe could’ve gotten an A on that exam. Then, I wouldn’t be struggling so much now.
7. Indulging in self-hatred and pity
Here I am again. How many years have I been going to school? And when will I ever learn to stop procrastinating? Remember when I had an agenda that I planned to use all semester? I haven’t looked at that since September. Wow, remember how young and naïve I was back then? So filled with hope and confidence, thinking I would get a handle on my life this semester? Well, look at me now. I would say I hit rock bottom, but I know I can sink lower than this.
8. Contemplating becoming a stripper
Well, there is no other choice. I guess this is what I am destined to do. They can make decent money, right? And I mean, I wouldn’t have to study anymore. Maybe I can be one of those fancy high-class escorts? They don’t need a degree, right?
9. Faking happiness and emotional stability when calling family
No mom, everything is fine! I love college! I’m doing really well here! I definitely feel like this is an environment where I am thriving! I always said how much I love a challenge, right? I didn’t think I would be challenged emotionally, academically, and physically all at once to the point where I feel like I am constantly being kicked while I am down. But no, everything is great! This is great! I am great!
10. Desperately searching for any sort of motivation
Knowing that I could fail out of college if I don’t shape up must give me some sort of desire to push myself just one more week. I don’t want to have to move back home. Where else would I have endless cereal options or access to ice cream at any time of the day?
11. Accepting failure
Well, I am literally walking to this exam and know nothing. This is what I get. I shouldn’t have put this off until the last minute. It’s okay. I can turn this into a learning experience. Next semester, I will get my act together and stop procrastinating.
Finals week of next semester.
*Repeats all 11 phases of finals week*
Damn it.
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