Oh, Ultrabar. If you’re a collegiate in Washington D.C. or the surrounding areas, it’s very likely you’ve had the unfortunate experience of attending one of the most ratchet clubs in the greater metro area. Being one of the most popular 18 and over clubs in Washington D.C., it is frequented by a very, well, diverse population.
I have only been to Ultrabar once in my college career, until recently I decided to give it another shot. Once I entered the club, I was quickly reminded as to why I had only been there once. This time around, I was a lot more aware of my surroundings. Perhaps the factor of consuming a certain beverage affected this, but that is irrelevant. If you have never gone to Ultrabar sober before, I would not recommend it. Instead, save your time, money and just continue reading to experience the full effect of a night out at D.C.’s ~classiest~ joint.
1. Fuck this
Fuck this exorbitant cover charge requiring me to spend half my week’s budget on just entering the club. After walking in I immediately regret coming, but am now committed to spending enough time to be worth $20 (spoiler alert: no amount of time at Ultrabar is worth $20).
2. Fuck this
Fuck this man taking advantage of this cramped space by grabbing my ass as I try to walk past him. Sir, I am just trying to find a spot on this floor where I will not suffocate. In no way is this an invitation to grab my ass, waist or any part of me whatsoever.
3. Fuck this
Fuck this person recording everything on Snapchat. You are shining light in an atmosphere that is meant to be dark. I am doing my best not to see what is happening around me right now. You are not helping.
Related: My Recent Attendance at a Fraternity Social Gathering
4. Fuck this
Fuck this drink menu, preying on desperate people to pay $10 for a drink just to get through the night.
5. Fuck this
Fuck this man behind me. Please stop staring at me with a predatory look on your face. Believe it or not, thrusting your pelvis into my lower back is not going to lead to us hooking up in any way.
6. Fuck this
Fuck this couple hooking up on the couches. In case you haven’t noticed, you are in a building with hundreds of other people. You may have not noticed us, but we have all noticed you. Please put your shirt back on sir.
7. Fuck this
Fuck this Uber ride. The last thing I want to do at 3:30 in the morning is make small talk with my Uber driver. I will have to pay this outrageous exorbitant surge price whether or not we speak, so let’s opt to not speak.
If you have read this far, you have fully experienced a night out at Ultrabar. Thank you for taking this journey with me. You’re welcome for saving you time and money.