Middle school was when I first started to notice and dislike how I looked. I gained weight, had terrible acne, and I wasn’t sure where I fit in. All of the “popular” girls at my school were skinny and had perfect skin, as well as all of my favorite celebrities, and I began to believe that I was lesser than them because I didn’t look the same. I made it a habit to criticize myself every time I looked into a mirror. I picked apart my appearance like this all throughout middle and high school, which morphed into an extreme lack of self-confidence. It got even worse my junior year, when I gained the most weight I ever had. I hated myself and that negative thinking was truly exhausting, mentally and emotionally.
The summer after my junior year, I was diagnosed with PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Long story short, PCOS causes a hormonal imbalance, and its symptoms include both weight gain and severe acne- the two things I was most insecure of. My doctor informed me that it also increases my risk of diabetes, and I was closer to getting diagnosed with it than I should’ve been at my age. I realized that I needed to make a change, not only for my confidence but also my health.
Related: Honest Confessions of a PCOS Girl
During the year after my PCOS diagnosis, I lost about 70 pounds. While it was challenging, it was also extremely rewarding, not only because I was losing weight, but also because I just felt better. I loved feeling strong and working towards my goal. However, to my surprise, losing that weight didn’t automatically make me love myself and my body. For months afterwards I wouldn’t buy clothes that were actually my size because I didn’t see myself as any smaller than I had been, and I hated the idea of clothes actually showing my true figure. I thought losing weight would finally allow me to accept myself for who I am, but I still felt the same way that I had before. I continued to fixate on every single physical insecurity that I had.
The whole time I was trying to lose weight, I would remind myself that I’d like myself more when I was finally skinny. When that inevitably didn’t happen, I didn’t know what to do. I was finally smaller, and I still felt exactly the same. Eventually, I started to realize that it wasn’t what I looked like that was going to make me feel confident in my own skin, but instead that it was my mindset holding me back. To love myself, I had to accept my body for what it was and realize that it didn’t define me as a person.
I was the same person 70 pounds heavier than I was 70 pounds lighter, and that liberating realization made me live my life in a much more positive way.
Society is always going to expect us to look a certain way or to meet some impossible beauty standard before we can be considered “pretty.” This toxic pressure to fit into an unrealistic mold is what makes us feel insecure, when in fact we are all worthy no matter what we look like or how much we weigh. I feel confident now because I know that I’m healthy and fueling my body positively, but that doesn’t always mean that I’ll look a certain way or weigh a specific number. I love myself now because I know that the scale doesn’t determine my worth, and I urge all of you reading to not let it determine yours either.
Related: Changing the Conversation About Weight
Remember that every shape and size of body is beautiful, and instead of obsessing over every flaw that you think you have, look in the mirror and remind yourself of each and every part of your body that you love.