My first ever relationship was an extremely toxic one. I don’t like to use the word toxic lightly, but to me, it means a relationship that involves one individual either physically, mentally or emotionally harming the other. I wasn’t physically abused, but I was mentally and emotionally abused by this person. I also admit that I wasn’t perfect in this relationship either, but the things that I dealt with are something that I don’t think another person should ever have to. It can be hard to move past and process the feelings that you’re left with.
I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it wasn’t a girl texting me that he was flirting with her, it was him telling me that it was hard for him to ignore the temptations around him. Writing this now I realize how ridiculous it is that I put up with that kind of behavior, but when you think you love someone it can blind you from what they’re really like. Indiscretions get passed over as small mistakes and while I would worry constantly, I always thought that maybe someday it would get better.
He would joke about things that made me worry and feel insecure: other girls, my own looks, my personality. If I got upset I was “too sensitive,” but not saying anything at all felt like I was accepting those things as the truth, which I didn’t like. When you are subtly degraded like that, those thoughts start to creep into your own mind over time. I started to think that certain things about my body were ugly, I wasn’t funny, and I’m too awkward in social situations. I already had a lot of my own insecurities and adding those made me feel even worse about myself. It can be hard to get past those deep-rooted thoughts, but I remind myself every day that I am not who he said I was, and I deserve real love and happiness.
When our relationship ended, things took a turn for the extreme. I finally stood up for myself, and then I was the bad guy. All of the blame was put on me and he slandered my name all over his social media. Some things that I don’t feel comfortable writing out that I went through then still bother me to this day, and I suffered a lot mentally over it. I started doing worse in my classes, I was always paranoid, and I just felt empty. After a few weeks, I started to realize that I was letting the situation control my whole mindset. While it did take me a little time to stop letting what he said bother me, I think I grew stronger because of it. I started thinking about what I loved about myself and embracing it. It’s hard to feel strong after someone manipulates your emotions like that, but what’s more important is that you recognize that it happened, and you aren’t what they say you are. Be kind to yourself, process the emotions you are left with and don’t let them define who you are and how you are in the future.
If there’s someone in your life that you feel is abusing you like this, or you have experienced this yourself, then you probably know how badly it disrupts your self-image. Just remember that your worth is in no one else except yourself. If you need help getting out of this type of relationship, reach out to a friend, parent, or someone you look up to. If you’re having a hard time processing the emotions that it left you with, talk to a therapist or someone that has agreed to listen to you. If this relationship is abusive, please contact the police or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. No one deserves an unhealthy or abusive relationship.