Twenty things I learned about being in your 20s before I turn 21.
In about a week, I’m turning 21 years old; an age I’m sure we’ve all been excited to turn at some point in our lives. I’ve been looking forward to turning 21 for quite some time, which is funny considering I was terrified to turn 20. When I did turn 20 last year, I struggled with the idea of not being a teenager anymore. I struggled with understanding what my life was going to look like in my 20s. Now that I’ve been 20 for about a year, I’ve learned quite a lot about myselflife, and the world. I don’t know everything, but I do know these 20 things about being in your 20s.
1- I don’t actually know anything.
Okay so maybe I know some things, but I definitely don’t know as much as I thought I did. When I was 18, I had just gotten to college, I was moved out of my parents’ house and I thought I knew absolutely everything. I thought I could 100% be trusted to be an adult on my own. I dyed my hair, got tattoos, went out with my friends–all things that aren’t necessarily bad. I also made so many decisions, that I know now, were spiteful and downright immature due to my strict upbringing. There is so much I still don’t understand and I continue to make mistakes very often. I’ve learned that it does me more harm to think that I don’t make mistakes than to know that I do, and decide to learn from them.
2- I am not invincible
This brings me to my second point. I am not invincible. When you’re young, your body can handle more. Your bones heal faster if fractured, and your heart can handle more caffeine, so you think you can never truly break or scar. You walk around thinking “That would never happen to me.” but it can, and it will. I don’t mean that to be scary, it’s just the truth. Things will happen. You might fail a class or lose a friend you didn’t think you would. You might miss really important deadlines or accumulate some serious debt. Things happen, and that’s just how life is. You are not invincible, but you can come out on the other side, even if life throws you back in immediately. You’ll come out the other side of that too.
3- Failure is a feeling, not a circumstance
Speaking of failing. This past year I’ve felt like I failed so much. I felt like I’ve failed as an editor, as a leader, as a student, and even as a friend. I’ve made so many mistakes while trying to take on too much, so there were times I didn’t do well at anything. As a student, there have been so many instances in which I wish I could go back and do better, or just change something. I wish I had studied more, planned more group events, and finished assignments earlier. What I’ve learned about these mistakes is that feeling like you’ve failed is just a feeling. Feeling like you’ve failed doesn’t mean you have to give up and decide it’s over. There is still so much time and so many more tries. You don’t have to roll over and decide it’s over. You just have to try again, and remember to do better.
4- Your friends are important
Being a college student in your 20s is an experience that not everyone understands, and not everyone can relate to. Even if you have a hundred people in your corner, you’ll feel alone in a way that’s inexplicable to anyone else–except other college students in their 20s. Meeting new people is so special in college, and making friends can help determine your experience. Treat your friends with the same love, empathy, and support you want to be treated with. Value your friends, respect them, and cherish them. At the end of the day, true friends are some of the most unconditional relationships you can have. Friendship is based on pure love. Love your friends, be there for them, and always support and uplift each other. My truest friends have been my greatest loves, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
5- Have more girl talk
That brings me to a really big lesson I learned this past year. Talk about things with your friends; and I mean the girls you trust and feel comfortable with. Creating shared spaces where you and your friends can talk freely, and without judgement, is so important for each other. You could know things that will help each other. As women, we’ve been taught from a young age that so many of our experiences or feelings are “taboo” or “inappropriate”, when really, they’re everyday, normal experiences. My personal goal as a friend is to have an open space to talk about anything my friends want to. The more we normalize conversations about our health, sex, relationships, our mental health, our cycles, or even life in general, the more we normalize women’s overall wellbeing and experiences. As long as everyone in the conversation feels comfortable and safe, TMI doesn’t exist around me. This is a safe space!
6- Love is not supposed to hurt
This is a big one. No relationship is perfect, and I mean any kind of relationship. You’ll have your disagreements, or disappointments with the people in your life, just for the sheer fact that we’re all flawed humans by nature. That being said, the people that truly love you, should not be constantly hurting you. True love and friendship is rid of unhealthy competition, comparison, or conditions. Your loved ones should not make you feel less than, unseen, or invaluable. True love is peaceful, secure, and unquestionable. You will know love is true when you don’t doubt it in your bones and when you feel at peace and secure. In any relationship, whether its friends, partners, or families, love is never supposed to hurt you. Period.
7- Partnership over performance
In our age of social media, aesthetics, and societal standards, it can be really easy to compare your relationship to someone else’s. It can be easy to downplay your relationship because of someone else’s. I’ve learned through my own relationships that it’s more important to create a partnership with someone than to create a relationship with someone based on what they can give you. Take Valentine’s Day for example. Your partner is buying you gifts on gifts and your Instagram story is full of roses, chocolates, and jewelry. But, when you’re sitting at dinner with your partner, do you feel loved, taken care of, and safe? Do you look at the person in front of you and know in your heart they support you, want what’s best for you, and care for your wellbeing? Or did they just fit the aesthetic you want people to see? Anyone can perform for the sake of showing off, but real partnership goes beyond what you post on social media.
Girl Talk: Accountability and Friendships
8- Have a relationship with yourself first
Speaking of relationships. Something I am thankful for is how long I was single before I got into a committed relationship. I’ve come to know that you can never truly let someone love and value you if you don’t love and value yourself first. Build a strong relationship with yourself, and let someone fall in love with that person you’ve come to know. I mean seriously, a relationship. Get to know yourself. What do you like to do? What kind of art do you enjoy? What nourishes your soul? Take yourself out to try new coffee shops. Buy yourself gifts. Speak kindly to yourself. Before my relationship, I spent about two years completely rid of anything romantic, because I had such an awful relationship with myself, that I let partners treat me badly. I spent so much time getting to know myself, and learning to value myself, so that when the right person came along (and he did) I knew I would be complete on my own, and he was going to be an addition into my life. Everyone is different, and you don’t have to have it all figured out. Start small, and pursue yourself.
9- This time is for YOU
You have to be a little selfish sometimes. Being in my 20s has been full of so much drastic change already. I used to be someone who lived for other people. For the approval of my mother, the desire to please people around me, the desire to keep people in my life. The truth is, this is the time for us to figure out what life even is. It’s time to try to get some sort of grasp on what’s going on and the only way to build a foundation for yourself is to live for yourself. Do what feels good to you. Work on your own timeline. Make decisions that best fit you and do not ever apologize for it if it makes you happy.
10- Everyone you know is in a different place in their life
I mean it, everyone. At (almost) 21, I have friends who have kids, some who are married, some who are in community college, some who are still in their gap years while they figure it out. I have friends moving in with their boyfriends and others who haven’t had their first kiss. No one is in the same place at once. Some people take 3 years to graduate, others take 5 and a half. Some people get married young, and others never marry. The important thing to remember is that life does not come with a set timeline, contrary to popular belief. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are on your own timeline, and you’re where you need to be. You don’t have to rush to catch up to others when you’re on a completely different path.
11- Be where you are
This is one I’ve had to learn the hard way. As someone who is Type A, an aspiring overachiever, and impatient by nature, I can truly say that you do not have to always be going somewhere. You can just be where you are. You are always where you’re meant to be. It’s good to have goals, and it’s important to work towards them. That doesn’t mean that you always have to be running to the next thing, and trying to rush anything. In my sophomore year, I was ten steps ahead, planning to graduate in Spring 2026, and always looking forward to finishing college. Now, I am in my second semester of Junior year, realizing I might need to do an extra semester, and realizing that I have so much valuable education, in and out of the classroom, right in front of me. Slow down, and look around. There is so much to live, see, and to learn about. You will get to where you need to go, but in the meantime, be exactly where you are.
12- Become an active listener
This one can apply to more than one thing, so let’s run through them shall we? Listen to everything and everyone you can. Listen to your friends talk, and make them feel seen and heard. Listen to your family tell you stories or history, because they are part of who you are. Listen when people show you who they are, and don’t make the mistake of letting them hurt you twice. Listen to your professors, even if you’re taking a gen-ed class you just need credits for, because education is currency, and it never hurt anyone to be more well rounded through your education. Listen when strangers talk to you, because human connection is what keeps us alive. Listen to your body and your intuition. Listen when anyone talks, because lessons are everywhere. Listen actively. Meaning, ask questions back, process what you’re listening to, internalize it, and pick what is valuable to you.
13- The only person that critiques you as much as you think, is you
Everyone is thinking about themselves more than anyone else. I don’t mean that in a selfish way. What I mean is no one is overanalyzing your outfits, or every single one of your curls, or every word you say as much as you think they are. Only you are. You look at yourself in the mirror more than anyone else perceives you. Let this bring you peace, and the freedom to let go a little. You can try, but you never truly know what other people think about you. You might think people will look at your outfit and judge you for being “overdressed”, when in reality they’re thinking how great you look and how they wish they had the guts to wear what they wanted too. No one is constantly overanalyzing you, and that’s a great thing. Let go, and be who you are.
How to be your own Best Friend
14- Take up space- you belong here
Especially as women, and for my women of color, you need to take up space. Do not make yourself small for anyone. Speak up when you have an idea. Apply for things you want to be a part of. Take leadership positions. Put yourself in spaces. Your presence and your being is valuable. What you have to say matters, what you think matters, and this is your world too. Be yourself in the spaces you want to be in, because you deserve to be there. In our world now, our voices matter more than ever. Be heard, be present, be fearless, and take up space.
15- Let chance happen to you
This one is kind of silly, but it’s sort of changed my life. Say yes more. Stop wondering what would happen “if” and go find out. It can be as small as going to the farmer’s market you’ve always wanted to go to, or telling your best friend you like him. It can be as big as moving to a new city, or applying for a new job. You will never truly know what will happen until you try. Sure, it could go wrong, but what if it went right? I’m not saying be irresponsible or harmful, but life will not just happen to you. You have to put yourself in the world, and in life, for it to show you what you’re meant to have.
16- Don’t let your childhood define who you are
Most people I know in their 20s are trying to understand what happened to them as a child. We try to understand where things went wrong, why we are the way we are, and what moments had to happen to get us here. The truth about your childhood is that you can’t change it anymore, and it does no one good to dwell on that. It’s perfectly fine to try to understand your past, and heal your past wounds. The problem lies when you roll over and decide that you will always be a certain way because you feel you were “destined” to. You are not what has happened to you. Healing is possible, and you are deserving of it.
17- Self care is healing
This leads me to self care. I am by no means a doctor or trained professional, but an important lesson I’ve learned this year is that your body is your home, not your asset. You do not need to look a certain way, or be a certain size. Nourish yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually. That may look different for everyone. For me, it means taking my vitamins, going for more walks, journaling more, trying to stay off my phone, stretching or moving my body, and aligning spiritually. Our world is a fast paced, cruel, and often unforgiving one. Taking care of yourself is important so you don’t burn out. If you are someone who menstruates, learn about your cycle. Do research on all stages, educate yourself on how you can best take care of your body. Learn all you can about yourself, your body, and your mind. Be kind, be gentle, be loving.
18- Don’t put yourself in a box
It’s pretty unrealistic to have it all figured out this young. You don’t have to. Don’t try to squeeze yourself into one niche, one aesthetic, or one life path. Explore, learn, let yourself grow, and change. Stay grounded, but flexible. Let life happen and see where it takes you. It’s more than okay to want different things, to change careers, or to even evolve personalities. You have to explore and learn about who you are. Do not constrain yourself and say “no” just because you’re afraid it isn’t who you’ve made yourself to be. Try new things and explore what you want, because you’ll never know unless you try.
19- Fill your own cup and let it overflow
I read something the other day. “Only look in someone else’s cup to make sure they have enough, not to check if it’s fuller.” I learned a secret recently; we are made of love, and we never run out. Fill your cup, and make that your priority, whatever that looks like for you. Let people fall in love with the overflow. When you look in someone else’s cup, let it be so that you can make sure they have enough. Fill theirs with whatever love and kindness you can spare, and that’s enough.
20- Accept that your 20s are going to be chaos
The last thing I’ve learned is that my 20s are going to be messy. Chaotic, in a good way I hope, though I anticipate both good and bad. Once I let go of the idea that my 20s are for “figuring everything out” an overwhelming weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I realized that truthfully, my 20s are for learning things the hard way, trial and error, and lots of change. The scariest thing can be embracing the change, but it can also be most freeing. If you’re turning 20 this year, I wish you well, and I wish you magic and growth. If you’re going further into your 20s, like me, I wish you strength and continued courage. In any sense, I hope I was able to share some wisdom, though I am, as always, an ever-learning student of life. May our 20s be colorful and educational. I look forward to turning 21 next week <3