When I was 15, I had realized that my periods rarely came. For a hot second, I was convinced I was pregnant, but then realized I was single AF and my sex life was non-existent, so that went out the window. After multiple blood tests and doctors visits, I was diagnosed with PCOS, or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Without getting into the scientific terminology, it basically means there is a hormone imbalance, which leads to irregular periods, weight gain, acne, depression, etc. What’s upsetting is that, according to Women’s Health, PCOS impacts one in ten women of childbearing age. Yet, I’ve never had an open conversation about the disease. So through this article, I hope to finally open up and talk about how PCOS has impacted me, and maybe some of my readers will relate.
Related: Everything You Never Knew About PCOS
1. I am overweight, I know.
Shopping in the L/XL section, looking for baggy clothes that hide my curves, trying to find high waisted bottoms to ensure they’ll cover up my stomach, it’s all just a bit taxing sometimes. One of the symptoms that has hit me the hardest is weight gain. PCOS makes gaining weight easy, while losing weight extremely difficult. This leaves a very frustrated Shabrina trying to cut down on her meals while trying to do extra time at the gym. But in all honesty, it gets tiring and discouraging. I still managed to gain an incredible amount of weight, and it has since become my biggest insecurity.
2. I am also dramatic sometimes, I KNOW.
Another symptom of PCOS is mood swings, and those who know me know I have mood swings literally every day. I would like to personally apologize to my roommate and RA who face the brunt of them. I notice myself feeling happy and chirpy, and within hours I feel like I have a gray cloud hovering over me. It’s annoying for me as well as the people around me. I am on an emotional roller coaster 24/7, and it’s hella exhausting.
3. Hair: I will never get the right amount.
Brushing my hair is always scary because I have to look at the brush afterwards and see how much hair is now no longer on my head. Hair loss is another symptom that I detest, and is one that I can sadly always track. Seeing that brush every day reminds me how prevalent PCOS is in my life. On the other hand, I get excess hair everywhere else, and that is equally as annoying. That means I have to allocate more time to shaving, UGH. Basically, I can’t win either way when it comes to hair. It’s fine though, I’m not mad or anything.
4. I absolutely love periods
All my girlfriends always complain when they get on their period, but when it comes to me, I couldn’t be happier. It means that for once, my body is “normal”, and is functioning the way it is supposed to do. All those birth control pills that I have to take at 11:30 every night actually fulfilled their purpose. It’s honestly a wonderful and fulfilling feeling, if you ignore the cramps and the mood swings.
Related: 10 Ways to Make Your Period Suck Less
5. My insecurities are endless, and I HATE it.
Weight gain is only one aspect of it, but the continuous acne, the excess hair, the stretch marks, the hair loss, all of it does add up. Being confident is something I was taught to be as a child, but PCOS really has impacted my ability to be proud of who I am. It’s funny that the body I am trying to protect is what I am embarrassed about the most. It does impact you mentally, and I see myself being consumed by my appearance at times. Confidence is something I am working on, and I hope there will be a point in my life where all of these things just won’t matter to me anymore.
6. The uncertainty petrifies me
PCOS is all about the unknown: When will I have my next period? I don’t know. Will be able to have kids? I don’t know. Will I grow up to be diabetic? I don’t know. Will I have endometrial cancer? I don’t know. It’s terrifying to not know the answers to these questions, and is what honestly keeps me up at night. The one that hits home the most, however, is if I’ll be able to have kids. PCOS makes it very difficult to get pregnant, and then is notorious for miscarriages as well. I’ve always dreamed of being a mother, so I really hope PCOS doesn’t ruin it for me.
I really hope that if there are any readers also have PCOS, they were able to relate and realize we are all in this together. Please feel free to reach out to me and talk about how you feel about PCOS, so we can all feel a little less alone together.