Congratulations, everyone. We’ve survived the first half of the semester. The final stretch is approaching. We can do this. In the mean time, I’m sure at least somebody is able to relate to some of the freshman thoughts that I’ve had over the past few weeks while sitting in class.
11:01 A.M.
Shoot. I’m late. Do you think he’ll notice? Avoid eye contact. I repeat, AVOID EYE CONTACT. Wait, do we get pop quizzes in this class? Does it say that on the syllabus?
11:09 A.M.
Yes, apparently we get pop quizzes. No, I was not aware of this happening, nor am I adequately prepared. No, neighbor, I do not have an extra sheet of paper or an extra pen or an extra pencil or an extra piece of gum or an extra dose of motivation.
11:15 A.M.
Please be an easy question. Please be a question on the only chapter I read this weekend.
11:27 A.M.
(After going over the quiz) Well, I got every single question wrong. How much are quizzes worth again? WHAT, THAT MUCH!?
11:40 A.M.
Should I be taking notes? I should probably be taking notes. Do you think ALL of this is going to be on the test?
11:43 A.M.
Wait, WHEN is the paper due? THIS week? I have two other papers due in the next ten hours and I am not emotionally stable. Also the only reason I’m conscious right now is because of the high levels of caffeine in my system and my sheer willpower.
11:47 A.M.
How many pages does this paper have to be? Is that double-spaced? What’s the difference between MLA and Chicago? Why do I need a table of contents? Should my paper be long enough to require a table of contents?
11:51 A.M.
Do you think anyone in this class will see me tomorrow? Can I wear the same shirt? Is that allowed?
11:54 A.M.
How many more minutes left? I’m starving. I should stop looking at my watch every two seconds. That’s probably rude, right? Do you think he notices me looking at my watch? Do you think he cares? Oh, he’s giving me a dirty look. Yup, he cares.
11:56 A.M.
Maybe I’ll go to Wisey’s and get a sub. Or a sandwich. What’s the difference between a sub and a sandwich? Is a sandwich healthier if I get it on whole wheat?
11:59 A.M.
Wait, what did the professor just say? Should I ask the girl next to me? No, she looks annoyed already. I felt like if I asked her she would punch me in the face. Metaphorically, of course. This is English class.
12:01 P.M.
FOURTEEN MORE MINUTES. I CAN DO THIS.
12:03 P.M.
Update: I cannot do this.
12:09 P.M.
I should have not gulped that entire 32 oz coffee before class. I can hold out for a few more minutes, right? Do you think he’ll let me leave early to go to the bathroom? I’m in college. I’m a mature, responsible adult. If I have to decide my major within the next two years, I should be able to go to the bathroom without asking.
12:14 P.M.
I’ve resorted to sit in quiet desperation until class is dismissed. I do not have the confidence to saunter out of here because I’m scared. Please dismiss class. Please dismiss class. This is now running over time. I did not agree to this. OKAY, YES, OKAY, I’M SAYING GOOD-BYE. THANK YOU FOR DISMISSING US. YES, THANK YOU, PROFESSOR. I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE MY FAVORITE.