It’s been over a year since The Tortured Poets Department opened its doors and fundamentally rewired my brain. While others were enjoying their carefree summers, I found myself fully immersed in a TTPD whirlwind. Now that my freshman year is drawing to a close, I feel qualified to assign the Taylor Swift track that best represents your major.
1. Fortnight (feat. Post Malone) — History
You’re passionate about recounting historical events because you have never gotten over anything, ever. “I love you, it’s ruining my life” is both your Instagram caption and your essay thesis. When your professor mentions “primary sources,” your mind inevitably drifts to that first text. Yes, that was the moment history began to repeat itself.
2. The Tortured Poets Department — Philosophy
You thrive on ambiguity, savoring every nuance. Your coffee is black, your sentences are cryptic, and you deeply contemplate whether free will even exists, often bringing that energy to your dating apps. Taylor’s “you smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate” perfectly represents your existential journey (or crisis).
3. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys — Architecture
You’re fascinated by the process of creation, whether it’s buildings, blueprints, or your own breakdowns. It’s a lot of math, a lot of sleepless nights, and a constant questioning of your life choices, but you still dream of constructing something monumental. Even when it all falls apart, you always manage to rebuild, one heartbreak at a time.
4. Down Bad — Astronomy
You came into this field hoping for stargazing and cosmic wonder, only to be engulfed by equations and five-hour lab sessions. Black holes may defy time itself, but you can still relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed by the weight of the universe. Hang in there, space cadet, you’ve got this, even if it feels like the stars are aligned against you.
5. So Long, London — English
You’ve written more journal entries than you care to admit, and your notes app could use a trigger warning. Dramatic? Maybe. But when you compared girlhood to Greek tragedy, you weren’t exaggerating. The line “you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days” felt like a cathartic release, even if your personal essays leave you emotionally drained. And yes, you dare someone to say Taylor Swift’s lyrics aren’t basically modern Shakespeare.
6. But Daddy I Love Him — Theater
You pour yourself into every performance, often going all-in for the dramatic. Whether it’s a floor-length nightgown or a monologue in the dorm hallway, you bring raw emotion to every situation. It’s not delusion; it’s method acting, and a passionate declaration of love or frustration should always come with a performance.
7. Fresh Out the Slammer — Forensic Science
Your crime documentaries are more than a pastime, they’re research. You’re keenly aware of the psychology behind criminal behavior, and when it comes to relationships, you’re analyzing every move. If that long-term partner ends things, you’ve already prepared a case study. You’re not just learning about criminal behavior; you’re understanding it.
8. Florida!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine) — Environmental Studies
You’ve probably looked into living off the grid, or at least seriously considered it. You have strong opinions about Florida, the oil industry, and the state of the planet. This song speaks to your desire to escape; to disconnect and start fresh in a place free from questions, with nothing but a reusable water bottle, an electric car, and Florence’s haunting voice to guide you in a mangrove forest.
9. Guilty as Sin? — Psychology
You often find yourself deep in thought, examining your own intrusive thoughts for fun (and maybe therapy). The lines between reality and daydream blur, especially when someone you barely know becomes the object of your romanticized affections. The lyrics? A perfect soundtrack to your toxic fantasies. You know it’s a bad idea, but has that ever stopped you?
10. Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? — Political Science
You know how to stir up a scene. Whether it’s a protest or an impassioned speech in class, you’ve got the energy to make things happen. This song is your personal anthem because it makes you feel powerful, ready to take on the world (or at least run for office one day). You’re already mapping out your TED Talk, and it’s only a matter of time before someone listens.
11. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) — Biology
You have a fascination with life’s messy complexities, especially when they come in the form of emotionally unavailable people. Relationships come and go like seasonal shifts, but you remain persistent in your attempts to understand their patterns. Maybe it’s natural selection, maybe it’s poor taste, but you’ve got unwavering patience and optimism to handle both.
12. loml — Writing
You view the world through a poetic lens, capturing every moment as if it’s part of a larger narrative. When things go wrong, your instinct is to craft the tragedy. Taylor’s lyrical shift from “love of my life” to “loss of my life” made you audibly gasp. You’ve already opened a new Google Doc titled “closure,” but first: text your therapist.
13. I Can Do It With a Broken Heart — Business
You’re held together by caffeine, Google Calendar, and sheer willpower. You juggle exhaustion, success, and emotional bankruptcy; yet somehow, you manage to thrive. A little self-deprecating humor never hurts, but you’re already on track to secure that internship (even if you have to cry in the elevator to get there).
14. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived — Economics (or any frat-adjacent major)
You’ve dated this man. You’ve seen this man at a darty in those salmon shorts. You might be this man. Vulnerability? He thinks it’s a personality flaw. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with giving the smallest men a chance (don’t actually do it), at least you can write an amazing song about it afterward.
15. The Alchemy — Chemistry
You’ve survived Gen Chem, escaped Orgo with some semblance of your sanity, and somehow, you still believe in love. You’ve learned that the real magic isn’t turning base metals into gold but turning academic chaos into clarity. Turning lab partners into something dangerously close to a relationship? Now, that’s alchemy.
16. Clara Bow — Women & Gender Studies You’ve embraced the complexity of femininity, both its performance and its constraints. This song makes you want to dive deeper into pop stardom, girlhood, and the commodification of identity. You quote Simone de Beauvoir like it’s second nature, and you’re not afraid to challenge anyone who questions the power behind feminine expression.
No matter your major, we’re all just students in Taylor Swift’s department.