As a chronic over-apologizer, I know all too well the feelings of uncertainty and insecurity that lead me to blurb out the words “I’m sorry” without even truly meaning them. Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with an overriding tendency to apologize for virtually everything. Instances in which I commonly apologize include arriving late (a common and understandable occurrence!), when making a fairly innocuous request, or when receiving a dish at a restaurant, only to realize that it has cilantro when I explicitly requested for NO. CILANTRO. Certainly, it is important to be self-aware and apologize when you’ve truly messed up – but in most other situations, I find apologies are merely cover-ups for feelings of shame, embarrassment, or insecurity.
So before you apologize for saying “I’m sorry” too frequently, consider the roots of your overly-apologetic nature. Did you truly hurt another person, or are you apologizing for your very presence? Not to pull a Freudian psychoanalysis, but I’ve found my recurrent apologies are often coded messages for how I’m really feeling. Check out the following list for ideas on what to say or consider the next time you’re tempted to apologize without really meaning it.
1. I’m tired.
We are most prone to mess-ups when we’re tired – which, as college students, is quite often. Prioritize self-care (sleep included) so that you can be your best self, and lessen the number of instances in which you feel prompted to apologize after a thoughtless remark.
2. Let’s get coffee.
Apologies tend to bring closure to a conversation, rather than extend it. Maybe you really need to talk out an issue with a loved one, and this might warrant a coffee date or a long walk to further explore your feelings.
3. Thank you.
The next time you arrive late to a class, meeting, or appointment, try to go into that space with a feeling of gratitude rather than guilt. Most of the time, people are not going to kick you out or fiercely judge you for your slightly-late arrival, and simply being grateful for their understanding is preferable to apologizing for an overwhelmingly common error.
4. I’m frustrated.
Sure, you may feel sorry – but you might also feel angry, annoyed, and altogether frustrated with the person or people involved in your situation. Why not be honest, rather than sharply apologizing and stewing in your anger for hours on-end? Conflict, while uncomfortable, is an inevitable part of life. Don’t be afraid to address issues, as being transparent with your friends and loved ones often brings you closer after getting through your relationship obstacles.
5. I’m confused.
Sometimes, we say that we’re sorry simply because we don’t know what else to say. In these situations, it’s okay to be silent for a bit and simply think about what you want to say, or how you want to respond. I find this is especially relevant when comforting a friend in a tough situation. Sometimes, it’s best to sit in silence for a bit, and finally offer a real gem of advice or support rather than apologizing for a situation you don’t understand.
6. Nothing.
Occasionally, I find myself apologizing to lamps, desks, and other inanimate objects when I bump into them. There may be no stronger indicator of a chronic over-apologizer than saying “I’m sorry” to a lamp. If you find yourself doing this, hold back your words the next time you’re bumbling about your room in the morning and bump into your desk. Seriously – it’s great practice for refraining from vacuous apologies with real people.
7. I truly am sorry.
Unfortunately, #sorrynotsorry doesn’t apply to every situation. Sometimes, even the most notorious over-apologizer has a valid reason to apologize. When contemplating an “I’m sorry,” aim to strike a balance between self-aware and self-conscious. Make sure your words are heartfelt, rather than a people-pleasing protective measure.
Pick your words carefully, and don’t over-apologize. You’ll like yourself a lot more when you don’t let shame, embarrassment, or insecurity weigh you down!