About a year ago I lost someone very dear to me. Although I hadn’t talked to this person as adamantly as I had in prior years, he left an impact on who I am as a person that will affect me for the rest of my life. On September 26, 2015 I lost my ex-boyfriend, my high school sweetheart, my first love. My situation felt strange and confusing. Someone so young with so much life ahead of them had been taken so suddenly, but at times I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel sadness because we were no longer in a relationship when the event occurred. In the long run this created more damage for myself, and I learned that mourning for such a tragic loss was acceptable for anyone, no matter the type of relationship you thought you had when a person you once cared for passes on.
Immediately after I heard the news I fell into a downward spiral of sadness. I flew home the next day to be surrounded by people I could share stories with and who knew this special person on the same level that I had. When going home for the funeral I learned there were many feelings between us left unsaid, and many opportunities left untaken. Because of this I lived in regret, thinking “why didn’t he ever tell me how he felt” or “what could I have done in order to fix what we once had.” After reflecting on it for a year, I have come to realize that there isn’t anything I should have done, but rather the way I live my life now to make him proud and continue to do so in order to live out his legacy. The path which I am on currently has a lot to do with this person who is so important to me, and whenever I feel myself struggling I have the ability to remind myself how blessed I am to be attending such a beautiful university, be supported by a loving family, be surrounded by incredible friends, and even that I am given the ability to breathe each and every day.
To this day I feel remorse about the way our relationship on earth ended, and I sometimes re-enter that dark place of sadness which seems so difficult to get out of. When I get to that point I remind myself of all my blessings, and of all the amazing memories my high school sweetheart and I shared. I remind myself that if our positions were switched I would want him to continue with his life and be successful and happy. I pray to him for strength nearly every day, and often he grants me just that. Although this situation is not something I would wish upon anyone, I have realized it has made me grateful to merely be alive and partake in the small things in life. I will continue to live, love, and be loved. I will carry on a legacy that one incredible boy began, and until we have the opportunity to meet again, I hope to make him proud.