College takes a lot of work, as you all know. Sometimes you’re having a great time and sometimes you feel like bashing your head into the wall with frustration. College is a lot like my boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now. We started dating the summer going before our senior year of high school, and we both go to Gonzaga together. My dad, and I’m sure many other people, think that I followed him here but we made our post-high school decisions independent of each other.
I bring this up because our individuality within our relationship is a really large part of what makes our relationship function. Although we depend on each other to express love, comfort and support, we also look for these things in relationships we have with others.
I think this is where couples can go seriously wrong in college. They want to spend every waking minute with one another, which can be great. But I think it’s really important to have lives outside of one another. In college it’s really easy to do what’s comfortable, even if you’re in a long distance relationship. Often times long distance couples will crumble because they don’t spend enough time communicating when they have the chance to, but on the flipside of that, other long distance couples spend so much time FaceTiming and texting that they fail to make friendships outside of the relationship.
I saw this a lot last year, and for some it worked out great! My freshmen year roommate is currently engaged to the man who she spent every available minute FaceTiming and calling, which is great for her. However, I also know of couples who ended up breaking up for various reasons including feeling completely alone because they hadn’t invested in enough time with other people outside of their relationship.
This is why my boyfriend and I really work to give each other space. It’s been four weeks into the school year so far, and we haven’t gone out on a date or hung out by ourselves yet. And that works for us! We have written into our calendars to have date night once a month, sometimes more, but other than that, we give each other space! We do make an effort to see each other every day even if it’s just five minutes or so, but we don’t feel the need to know exactly where and what the other person is doing all the time. I think that type of thinking can be harmful to a relationship because it suggests a lack of trust, or a lack of independency.
And I know for those of you in long distance relationships what I’m saying doesn’t really help you out, but I do have a few thoughts on long distance.
People will say the odds are against you, but I only think they’re against the people who let them be. If you really love your partner, then what’s stopping you from making it work? You.
You have to want it to work, like really want it to work. But that isn’t even enough, you have to work for it. This means carving out time to FaceTime, or sending a card or care package their way. This means having to sacrifice some opportunities, and if you’re not willing to do that, I personally think you should reevaluate why you’re still with that person. However, with that being said, you should not be sacrificing sleep before a test day, or every single weekend night, or friendships. Everything depends on you and your partner. I can only say so much, but sacrificing your needs in an unhealthy way is not good for anyone.
Everything you need for a relationship to work, ie a solid foundation, quality time, affection etc. is exactly the same. Whether you’ve been together for years or months, you’re going to school together or not, communicating with your partner about the important issues is still important. The way these things are expressed and conveyed is the only thing that differentiates relationships.
I don’t pretend to have this figured out. I am not an expert on relationships, not even close. My boyfriend and I have our fair share of arguments and problems. So take everything I say with a grain of salt. The only thing I truly know is the importance of paying attention to your partner’s love language, and being open and honest with each other always. That will strengthen your relationship exponentially.