It’s the perfect season to pretend you’re the woman from Eat Pray Love.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical, meaning it is not meant to be read as fact. Satire is protected under the First Amendment’s freedom clause, which means the author has the Constitutional right to critique through parody. All “quotes” and statements attributed to any of the persons mentioned in this article are purely fictitious and not meant as defamation or slander.
Summer has officially gone and with it much of the sunlight necessary to evade the seasonal affective disorder your grandparents don’t believe in. In light of this development, experts now recommend supplementing your antidepressants and therapy with ~fall vibes~. Fall vibes may seem like a poser trend to participate in, but the facts don’t lie. Nine out of ten clinical psychologists now recommend engaging with the seasonal decor displays at HomeGoods to bring back the joy in your life.
So, what are fall vibes and how can they possibly replace the carefree spirit that summer took with it? Take it from me, a woman who, last autumn, wielded the power of fall vibes to manifest the Covid vaccine, earn all-As, and boost my charisma. Fall vibes are a philosophy, a practice, and indeed a way of life. To partake in fall vibes is to utterly commit yourself to them by hoarding Rae Dunn, replacing water (lame) with pumpkin spice iced lattes (Trenta-sized, of course) and refusing to let infinity scarves be laid to rest. You’re worth it. Read on to learn about four ways to make fall your bestie.
- Make the barista at Starbucks/the new gentrification-chic coffee shop next door your unpaid confidant
-
The good news about Starbucks’ union-busting tactics is that not only can you talk the barista’s head off for no extra charge, but they also get paid an unlivable wage while listening to you! If the system might be broken, new Starbies fall merch can’t fix it!
- When asked why you’ve shown up 30 minutes late to work/school/grandma’s birthday, blame ‘seasonal bedazzlement’
-
You would have shown up on time, but you were spellbound by the sight of an autumnal sunrise and couldn’t look away. Never mind that your shift started at 2:30 pm. Plus, Grandma’s a Scorpio.
- If you passive-aggressively mess up your little sister’s homecoming makeup, blame the ghosts of the spooky season
-
Listen, a winged liner/cut-crease combo is already tricky minus the ghost of, I don’t know, Halloween-past bumping into you. It’s actually shocking someone would assume this is you jealously sabotaging her big night because you spent your senior HoCo marathoning The Office. Women support women and you would never tear another girl down.
- “Ghost” your terrible Tinder text-buddy once and for all
-
You went on one date and they showed up in sweats and were surprised you wanted to order a full meal and not “a couple drinks.” And they forgot their wallet and you had to spot them, but they never responded to your Venmo request. Nevertheless, you keep texting them back and they keep postponing your plans to go on a “real date.” That’s okay; you can break the cycle–that was summer you, and you’re different now. Shed your shackles and block them, sis.
This year, you will survive–nay– conquer whatever challenges the fall season hurls at you. You will transform from a summer hot girl to an autumn cool girl. Rock your threadbare Uggs. Enjoy the one extra hour that Daylight Saving Time gives you to resent the Pilgrims and Christopher Columbus this November. You’re a certified bad witch.
Mental health should be taken seriously every season of the year. Symptoms of depression occur year-round but may be exacerbated during the colder months. If you or someone you know is experiencing depression symptoms the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH) has resources available here.