We’ve all been there. The moment when it all changes- when someone says that they just can’t love you anymore. It can feel like your world comes crashing down, like nothing will ever be the same. That moment came for me this past summer. My boyfriend of over 4 years decided that life with me was not the life that he wanted to live anymore, so he left.
I felt like I was drowning. My world fell apart and I had to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I was left with mixed boxes of his and my things to sort through in what was supposed to be our new apartment and a note explaining very little, except that he wasn’t coming back.
I picked up the phone and called my best friend. He dropped everything he was doing and rushed over- staying on the phone with me while I sobbed incoherently until he got to my door. He held me while I cried, he took the note so I wouldn’t read it repeatedly, and put my promise ring away when I threw it across the room. He did everything he could to make things easier for me at that moment and I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for that.
The two of us have always been close- something my ex was fully aware of. People used to ask me if he and I were dating since my ex and I went to different universities, so he wasn’t around my school friends too much. We used to laugh it off, but now that I wasn’t in a relationship anymore, us dating could be a very real possibility.
It didn’t take long- about a week later we were going on our first date. I started to tell people slowly, not wanting to just throw something like that out there (I was afraid of what people would think of me and what my ex would say or do) and eventually changed my relationship status from single to in a relationship publicly- an essential part of moving on in the digital age.
Of course, people began to talk. I got remarks like “well isn’t that too fast?”, “I just want to make sure you’re okay”, or, the worst one- “don’t hurt him. I know rebounds are fun ,but…”. These comments cut deeper than I think any of my friends realized at the time. I was happy in my new relationship, but no one seemed to see that. Worst of all, these words felt like an accusation. They were coming from the people who were supposed to know me better than to think I would hurt someone by cheating. I didn’t know how to deal with this situation.
What others can tend to forget is that they don’t know what was going on in your last relationship because they weren’t in it. They don’t know how or if the two of you were fighting, how the two of you had changed, or how long the relationship had really felt over to you. It could have been months that you’ve just been waiting for this while simultaneously hoping as hard as you could that you’re just being paranoid- that it isn’t fading away.
They also don’t know what the new relationship is like. When you’ve been close with someone for a long time, the step into dating them seems like an easy one. It’s a new terrain to navigate, but you’re finding your way with someone who has always been there to lift you up rather than to drag you down. To me, dating my best friend has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life thus far because he already knows me. He knows how to tell when I’m happy, when I’m trying to save face, when I’m starting to show my anxious signs, when a panic attack or anxiety attack is imminent, and when I want to laugh, cry, scream, or just relax.
What I try to explain to people is that this relationship is just another layer to our “best friendship”. This isn’t something new, it’s something that has existed for a while, but has progressed to something new. It’s a relationship evolution rather than a relationship starting from nothing.
Everyone moves on at a different pace. For me, the right person came along right away. That doesn’t mean that I cheated, or that I fell in love with my current boyfriend while I was with my ex. There is nothing wrong with how quickly I moved on and that is something I have come to terms with even amidst the accusations and concerns from my friends. I suppose my point in all this is that anyone can move on at whatever pace they want; it’s no one’s place to tell you otherwise.