We’ve all heard the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover.” The saying exists for a reason, and it’s completely fair. Most of us are not exactly who we appear to be, or who we present ourselves as to other people. We all have our secrets, beliefs, and experiences that shape who we are, and these parts of us are rarely on display at first glance. We meet someone, try to be our best self for a while around them, then when a real connection has been established, open up and share who we really are — flaws and all.
Something I’ve noticed in myself is that despite my best efforts to be realistic, I frequently end up searching for the best qualities in people and unintentionally idealizing them upon first impression. I’ve often been told what an asset this is and how great it is that I’m an optimist. Until recently, I had never even questioned or doubted this part of myself.
Maybe I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for in an ideal partner or even an ideal friend, but I would say I have a pretty solid understanding of what I like and don’t like in other people, as well as the expectations I have for people in my life. Recently, I was prompted to ask myself, “Am I really idealizing these people or am I just making excuses for them?” When you’re first getting to know someone, before they tell you what kind of person they are or take your hand and show you, it’s up to you to decipher who you think they are. We do this through two mediums: in-person first impressions, and in the modern age, first impressions from social media.
I look at someone’s Instagram who isn’t active on social media in the slightest and romanticize it: “maybe they just don’t believe in social media.” That’s perfectly fine, but I do – I put care and effort into my online presence. So why am I determined to convince myself that I would be perfectly understood by someone who doesn’t? Or, I talk to someone about their music taste and and are told that they only listen to older music and find today’s music cheesy and uninspired: “They like the oldies, which are better anyway.” Yeah, that’s great, but I like the oldies and a lot of newer music. So, why am I determined to convince myself that I’d be happy spending time with someone who would roll their eyes if I was on aux?
The reverse of this can also be true. Sometimes, I want to like someone, so I convince myself that their traits that are incompatible with mine actually aren’t, and other times, if I really like someone upon first impression, I think they’re too good to be true. This leads to me poking holes in the things that initially drew me to them. I met a guy a while ago who checked pretty much all of my boxes and was even interested in all of the same things as me – I even got the sense that he was interested in me, too. So, of course, I made excuses for his surface-level traits, but in the opposite direction. I was so in denial about liking him that I was practically forcing myself to find the negatives in his personality: “He’s not flirting with me; he’s just a flirty person. He’s so well-read and cultured, but I doubt he thinks I am. He’s older than me and more experienced; he’s probably out of my league.” Spoiler alert: he was flirting with me, he does think I’m well-read, and he’s really not that far out of my league.
To be quite honest, I had never realized until now how much our first impressions of other people are a reflection of our own self-worth and self-esteem. Just look at all of those thoughts I had about that guy. They all say the same thing: “there’s no chance that he could be interested in me.” It’s not just that I was in denial about liking him; I was also in denial that he could possibly like me, because I didn’t think I had that much to offer to someone that I held in such high regard. Clearly, my self-esteem has grown a bit since then, but the point is that without a higher level of self-esteem, it’s a lot harder to see things (and people) as they are, rather than as what you think they should be or what you want them to be. Our perceptions of others often reflect our own insecurities and desires, rather than objective reality.Â
Self-esteem, however, is not as easily attainable as self-confidence. Confidence can be faked until it becomes real, but the only way to have high self-esteem is to truly love yourself, and for most of us, that’ll take time. In the meantime, we can practice ways of getting there, starting with managing our expectations of people. If you’re like me and you take surface level traits and idealize them, or worse, criticize them, try to just see them for what they are. Try as we might to have people perceive us a certain way, it’s how we are seen that we actually have some level of control over. So maybe, next time someone shows you who they are, whether in your first few conversations or through their social media presence, believe them. While I still agree that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, you can’t exactly know what’s on the inside until that person chooses to reveal that to you. Until then, all we can do is approach them with an open mind, free of expectations.Â