Over the past few years I have held a few summer jobs. I have worked as a nanny, an intern at a law firm, and even a server at a frozen yogurt shop; you can only imagine the thrill that job elicited. Although at the time I didn’t notice it, I now realize that these jobs all had one thing in common that facilitated an empowering and comfortable working environment: my coworkers were almost exclusively women. As a nanny I worked mostly with mothers, and at the law firm I worked at the partners were all female divorce attorneys. The frozen yogurt shop did have a male owner, but the manager and other servers were all female, which limited my contact with male workers. Not until this past summer did I truly experience what it feels like to be a woman in a predominantly male office.
In attempts to earn some money to fund my sophomore year adventures and books, I decided to work as a temp this summer. Basically, I was shuffled around to different office locations in the DC area to fill in for receptionists and assistants who were out of town or on sick leave (aka I was Pam Beesly for a summer). In one of these locations where I filled in for a several weeks, I was the only woman in the office. Initially, I felt perfectly comfortable and didn’t think at all about the gender differences of the office. However, it did not take long for that to change.
Within the first couple days, one coworker started sharing comments about my appearance. Mostly these comments related to how pretty I looked or that the color of my dress looked nice on me. Now I don’t want to be over dramatic; I know that these are compliments and not necessarily extremely inappropriate comments or ill-intentioned comments, but nonetheless I felt uncomfortable in a way that I expect few men have ever felt. Along with these comments about my appearance came a sudden awareness of my body that I never felt when working among women. It is a subtle reminder that even in a place where my body and my sexuality should be completely irrelevant, men still feel it is appropriate to comment on it.
What I find most interesting about my coworker’s remarks is that he seemed to genuinely believe not only that it was appropriate to comment on my appearance, but that it was a nice and friendly thing for him to say to me. I really think that he considered these comments to be flattering and a good way to establish a rapport. This observation, if true, adds a complicated layer to the issue of inappropriate workplace commentary directed towards women. It indicates that some men might genuinely not know that their tactics for attempting to form friendships with female coworkers are exactly what make women feel uncomfortable and sexualized in the work place. Not all men are necessarily attempting to “put women in their place”, some are just trying to be friendly and missing the mark.
The most interesting part about the situation with my coworker was that he was my favorite person to chat with in the office. Other than these inappropriate comments, he was a good-humored and delightful person to be around. One day, he was out on a job and I called him to let him know lunch had just arrived for the office. To this he responded something to the effect of, “there is nothing more attractive than a woman with food.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of this comment. I could not be mad enough to say anything because I knew that he just wanted to make me laugh. Even if it did make me uncomfortable, he had good intentions and for that reason I felt torn. Torn between my duty as a feminist to call people out when they are doing something that actively makes it more difficult for working women, and my knowledge that he was oblivious to the discomfort created by his comments.
Although this summer I did not pluck up the courage to say anything because I was worried about damaging a friendship with the only person I enjoyed hanging out with at the office, I realize now that telling him that his comments were making me uncomfortable could actually help him make better workplace friendships with women in the future. A few moments of uncomfortable confrontation could actually eliminate discomfort for dozens of women in the future.