Temperatures are dropping, leaves are falling and as summer drifts further away people are getting closer. It’s cuffing season! It’s a breeding time for new relationships (and situationships). While some of us get a starting position, some of us get stuck on the sidelines. If you are one of the unlucky bench warmers maybe you have to ask yourself, “Am I the problem?” You just might be and here’s why.
Before you even think about getting into a relationship with someone else, you must love yourself. Not loving yourself invites insecurities, desperation and low self esteem. When you do not love yourself it can definitely show in your appearance. This can manifest in ways such as underdressing or overdressing. Underdressing on a consistent basis makes it look like you don’t care about yourself. If you don’t care for yourself how are you going to care for someone else? It’s okay to dress comfortably, but when it gets to the point that you’re wearing the same sweats/leggings and your hair looks like you woke up at 8:55 am for your 9:00 am, that’s a problem. Looks aren’t everything, but you should take pride in how you look. Sometimes the problem can be the exact opposite, which is overdressing. We all have seen that girl who tries too hard in their appearance. The one who is going to class but looks like their going to the club, yeah, her. Maybe that’s her style and she doesn’t feel overdressed? This may be true, however, it is a known fact that many women tend to overcompensate in their appearance for their own insecurities. Unfortunately, no amount of clothes, makeup or edge control can fill the void of the love you need to have for yourself. When people see these insecurities it can repel people away because no one wants a person with extra-baggage!
In the situation that you do get drafted, more than likely, the relationship will be toxic and will not last. The lack of self love will allow yourself to settle for someone you don’t even want because you feel like no one else will give you attention. Self love helps solidify your own value and your expectation for a relationship. Dating down is a big issue. Most people who date down often begin to resent their partner because their partner wasn’t who or what they wanted in the first place. Often, insecure people attract other insecure people. This opens the door for abusive relationships. A lot of people stay in abusive relationships because they believe they can’t do any better. Sometimes people feel so worthless that they believe they deserve abuse. No one asks to be abused, but having a low self-esteem practically invites for others to disrespect you because you don’t respect yourself.
Lack of self love doesn’t always make you the victim, sometimes you’ll be the abuser. When an insecure person is in a relationship with a secure person, the results don’t always pan out well. The insecure person becomes somewhat of a parasite always needing constant attention, validation and emotional support. Insecure people tend to rely on others to tell them who they are and make them feel happy with themselves. An insecure partner in need of constant validation can be annoying when they receive the same compliments 10000000 times, but it’s never enough. Then if the compliments stop, the insecure partner may become spiteful because they feel neglected and may guilt trip their partner. The secure partner may feel bad resulting in them pouring more attention into their insecure counterpart. This is emotionally manipulative and will allow for emotional abuse. In these situations, the amount of energy put into these types of relationships are never 50/50. The secure person gives most of their energy with little to no reciprocation. This often results in you getting cut from the team. Secure people aren’t going to take that treatment for long because they know their worth and quite frankly it’s exhausting. If you are already secure you don’t need any reassurance and are capable of growing with another individual. A person can have everything they ever wanted and still be unhappy. The change starts from within.
Overall, don’t ask coach to put you in the game if you’re not ready. If you do not have self love, you’ll either attract less than what you deserve or ruin a potentially great relationship. Remember to always put yourself first, know yourself and your worth. Nobody can ever love you more than you love yourself!