By: Symone Conway
Things trend online all the time, especially silly theories passed around on tiktok or things related to pop psychology. Sometimes I ignore them, but this time I could not help but to feel like “the man you meet at 19” theory might have some truth to it. College situationships suck. Doing it for the plot sucked. It’s the end of the year now, and if I could go back to April and save myself I would.
I don’t regret things normally, in fact, I pride myself on not living with regrets. Everything happens for a reason. God isn’t putting me through anything I cannot handle, and someday this won’t hurt as much. But right now? This feeling is absolutely ridiculous. Things have been over for months and every time I open my eyes I cannot escape what happened. Songs are ruined for me- they take me right back to my freshman year dorm, back to the silly, blissful feelings I had. My heart is ruined; At the end of the day, I think someone is always lying. I think there’s always something else going on. To ask yourself, what is so different from the next girl… I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. To see them around campus and want to scream to everyone about how much he hurt you, how much you hate him, and at the same time how much you strangely want him back, how you wish you wouldn’t have cared so much and been so kind, how foolish you feel for believing him and falling for the game he threw at you. It’s hard to forgive yourself for accepting the situation for what it is.
Some days are better than others. Some days I feel like all of that is beneath me and I’m better than he will ever amount to. Other days I cannot leave my bed and replay “Wildflower” by Billie Eilish until I’m tired of crying. Some days I want to be friends with him because I ask myself if the situation was that serious. Other days I want to catch a charge. But this will pass. It only hurts on campus, when I go home back to my normal life, I don’t feel the pain as strongly. It feels like another world in which it all happened. It’s been seven months and I’m still healing. Hopefully when April comes around I won’t still feel this way. Hopefully when April comes around, I won’t still feel suffocated by my emotions. Hopefully. Healing isn’t linear. Not in the slightest. And by the time I graduate, I will laugh at how heartbroken I thought I was knowing there is so much more for me to experience in this life, both good and bad. I have to wake up and remind myself that the behaviors he displayed are not a reflection of me. I have to remind myself that the girl I was in April isn’t the girl I am today. I have to remind myself that no “friend” is worth the “benefit”. College situationships suck but the pain doesn’t last forever. Someday, it will be okay.Â