What a Guy Wants: The Importance of Gifts in a Relationship

In social media, representation for the female perspective on gifts in a relationship is very prevalent. But, what about the male perspective? This is a question I have never before cared to ask (like most people). When I finally began to think about it, there were so many questions. The answers to the questions I had were not ones that I could even guess an answer for, so  I interviewed four men: 18-year-old Micaiah Collins, 42-year-old Marlon Chambers, 19-year-old Kristian Williams, and 62-year-old Melvin Dowdell. They shared their opinion on the topic by answering a select few questions. Let’s see what they had to say!

How do you feel about gift giving in a relationship?

Melvin: “Well, I think it is a good thing to receive a gift, as well to give a gift in a relationship.”

Micaiah: “I feel like gifts in a relationship are not everything. I feel as though, as far as like  showing that you love someone, showing that you care about them, you don’t have to validate that by giving them gifts or through them giving you gifts; you show it through actions and through just the things in which you do. However, I do believe that gifts serve as an additional way to show in a way sacrifice or thoughtfulness. I also think gifts allow you the opportunity to see how much an individual knows about you. But, I do not believe that gift giving is the foundation of a relationship. I think it’s more of an accessory to the relationship and it shouldn’t be based off it.”

Kristian: “I believe you should give gifts in a relationship. However, I do feel like it’s a point where it becomes obsessive. You know, especially at a young age, we feel as if we have to give all these tangible gifts to somebody just to make them happy, but you being in somebody’s presence should be enough rather than buying and spending so much money. I do believe in giving gifts in a relationship, however, I do feel as though the biggest gift should not be something that is purchased; it should be more of enjoyment, spending time together. That should be the ultimate gift. The energy that we spend together, not how much money I’m spending on you.”

Marlon: “I’m all for gift giving in a relationship as long as both parties are equally invested in that relationship. For instance, which you’ll see a lot of times, if one or the other, doesn’t matter if it’s the girl or the guy, but if one person is not as invested, then they are more reluctant to give gifts because they don’t want to seem like they are more into the person than they really are. Now, on the other hand, if both people…if their love language is gifts or giving then that works perfectly because both people are speaking the same language and they feel that their love is being shown by way of gift giving.”

Does it matter to you if you get them or not?

Melvin: “No, it really doesn’t because in a relationship I know how my wife feels about me, so if she gives me one fine and if she doesn’t fine.”

Micaiah: “No, it doesn’t matter to me. It should serve as more of an accessory to the love and care you show through actions. It shouldn’t determine the happiness in a relationship. You shouldn’t look at that as a major determinant of how happy you are with your relationship.”

Kristian: “No, if we can sit down and talk and have a good conversation, that’s cool. I mean, at times you know you wanna go out and get nice things, which is good, but I’m not about to be so worried like ‘oh you didn’t get me a gift’ or ‘you should have got me this, you should have got me that.’ It’s not very important to me. I’m not a very materialistic person.”

Marlon: “No, it does not matter to me whether I get gifts or not. In fact, I’d rather not.” 

Do you feel like gifts should be equal or do you feel that a man or a woman should put more effort in than the other?

Melvin: “I think it’s basically dependent on the individual. If you have been with your wife or husband a long length of time, you should know what to expect from your spouse, so it’s situational.”

Micaiah: “I feel like it should be equal. I mean, honestly, for me, I’m not a big gift person, that’s just Micaiah. I don’t really like giving people gifts and I don’t like getting gifts, but I don’t think it bears any gender, that this specific gender should give more gifts than this gender, because at the end of the day, it’s about what it means to your relationship and what it means to you… It should just be an equal thing out of love in the relationship you all have for each other.”

Kristian: “It depends on what is equal. I feel like some people base their gifts off personal taste. Some people can be like okay I can give you a gift on certain holidays or someone else can be like I can give you a gift every day, so it’s just your personal interest or personal taste on it. I do feel like it is an exchange, so it’s just kinda like okay if I get you a gift, I’m not going to really be expecting a gift but it’s kinda like okay I see that you acknowledged that I gave you a gift so you might give me a gift. So, I feel like it is naturally an equal thing. I don’t think it should be a game of who gives the most gifts because then it turns into a competition and that’s not really what a gift is, so it’s kinda like depending on the person. I think naturally gift giving is an equal amount of trade.”

Marlon:  I don’t feel like the effort should be attached to a gender. I think that if that’s the person’s language, then that’s fine. Some people are givers, some people are time, which I fall into that category, well I fall into two categories; I’m a gift giver and time is my primary love language because I don’t have a lot of it, so if I’m allotting my time then that says  a lot. I don’t feel a gender should be assigned a value where they should give gifts more freely or not. I think that’s an outdated concept. A lot of guys are terrible gift givers anyway.” 

If you were to go all out on a gift and in turn you got a gift of very little effort, would you feel some type of way or would you be offended?

Melvin: “No, I wouldn’t be offended because, once again, you would know your spouse and your spouse knows you.”

Micaiah: “Yes, I would be offended and I would feel some type of way because I think about one of the main things in a relationship, and this may be kind of off topic but imma try to relate it back. Communication is a big part of a relationship, so if we’re talking about Christmas gifts and you’re hinting about things you want and I’m hinting about the type of things I want, or I see the things that you’re buying or I see the type of things you like that other people have then that’s my mindset of the type of gift that I would give. I feel that through communication say ‘okay what kind of gifts are we getting each other?’ You can just go through in conversation and be like ‘are we giving jewelry or handmade cards?’ There’s a big comparison in which more thoughtfulness goes into the handwritten because you have to think about quality you, you have to think about words and all of this you want to include, but then at the same time  there’s a price difference in getting a sheet of copy paper out the printer and writing on it versus going to Kay Jewelers and spending upwards $800 in jewelry, so i think communication plays a big part in that.”

Kristian: “Depending on what the little effort is. Now, if I go all out, you know, then I might expect for you to go all out for me, that’s the expectation. I can tell when somebody does only a little, like when there’s no thought or it has no correlation to me or something we discussed. It’s kind of like you just threw this together. I feel as though people naturally go all out or do big things for the people that they love. And, all out is not something that’s so financially heavy, it can be okay you got me out the house and we did a little simple scavenger hunt and then at the end we sit down, enjoy dinner and just talk. So, I guess yes. Yes I would be offended.That’s kind of hard, though, because there is not a definite ‘going all out’, it’s situational, but ultimately yeah, I would be offended.”

Marlon: “ I wouldn’t be offended, just for the simple fact that, and this may sound bad and may be misinterpreted but I’ll try to expound upon it to offer a little more insight, I don’t expect anything. Now I know a lot of times that can be taken as, you know, a knock on somebody, but I don’t expect anything. If I gift something to somebody, I don’t care. If I give somebody cash, I give it to them because I don’t loan anything. If I can’t give it to you or I can’t spare it then I just won’t give it to you. So, here’s the thing, once it leaves my hands, it’s out of my mind, I don’t think about it anymore. So, the same thing applies for the gift. It’s not for me, that gift is for that person, so it goes with no strings attached. The gift is unconditional, it’s not given under the condition that you have to give me an equally good gift, in order for me to have gratification. I can only worry about my side, and I don’t expect anything in return. All that just to say, no.”

Do you feel like gifts should be spontaneous or just on holidays, if that?

Melvin: “I think gifts should be spontaneous but special on holidays and anniversaries.” 

Micaiah: “If they feel it in their heart that it will enhance our relationship or they feel in their heart that it will contribute to making me in a way ‘happy,’ then they are more than welcome to do so. I do feel as though it shouldn’t be done out of just like I want a purse so I just bought you some cologne. Like, I think it should be done intentionally and it should be done in a way that it means something to the both of you.”

Kristian: “Um, honestly, who started the idea that you’re only supposed to give gifts on a holiday? Giving gifts is something that you want to do. It shouldn’t be like okay on Christmas I’m going to get you a gift. When you think like that, it’s not really a gift because you’re just doing it because you know that Christmas requires gifts. A gift is something I want to give to make somebody feel good. I feel like you should give gifts when you genuinely want to.”

Marlon: “In my marriage, neither applies. Anything I need I get on my own, and if I don’t need it I’d rather not have it. So, this one doesn’t apply.”

Do you have a minimum price you feel any gift you get should be?

Melvin: “No, there shouldn’t be a price on what your spouse can get you.”

Micaiah: “I don’t. When I think about gifts that I get, the first thought in my head is not how much did it cost, regardless of whether it’s a sentimental gift or jewelry or a phone. My first thought isn’t how much did this cost. My first thought would be just gratefulness that you thought enough about me to get me something, especially when it’s something that is very sentimental to me. It’s gratitude, not a price.”

Kristian: “No, there is not a minimum price.”

Marlon: “Not at all. No price at all.”

Would you be okay with being in a relationship where you were doing all of the gift giving and received no gifts in return?

Melvin: “No, I wouldn’t be okay with that.”

Micaiah: “So imma say, one, I won’t be in a relationship like that because I’m not giving you nothing if you’re not giving me anything. I guess communication plays into that as well because let’s say for instance Christmas, I didn’t want to use Christmas again but let’s use Christmas. If I’m sitting up here asking what you want for Christmas or like saying that looks good, what color would you like. You know, hinting at the fact that I’m trying to get you a gift and you’re never asking me anything or never hinting at you trying to get me a gift, then 9 times out of 10, I’m just going to stop hinting, and you’re just not going to get anything. But, at the same time, on that first Christmas you can kind of tell or they can tell you that they don’t really like gifts or they are used to getting or receiving gifts. So yeah, no I wouldn’t be okay with being in a relationship like that.”

Kristian: “I wouldn’t be upset but I would stop giving so much. It would be something, though, but I wouldn’t be upset. I feel like it’s better to give than receive, but that would be a dealbreaker. I feel like awareness should come with a relationship. If you see me going all out or just doing something simple like getting candles and doing dinner and a massage, you know something slight, or just cooking but you’re not acknowledging it then it’s just like what can I or what should I do for you.”

Marlon: “Well, the something doesn’t have to be a gift. It can be appreciation or as I like to say ‘peace of mind,’ like no griping. Just small things like consideration, I would call that a gift,  just being thoughtful or considerate. So, it doesn’t have to be something that’s tangible. I would be okay with not getting any gifts.”

Which matters more, sentimental value or how expensive the gift is?

Melvin: “Sentimental value.”

Micaiah: “I feel as though sentimental value matters more, however, when you think about gift giving on both parts, on male perspective and female perspective, I feel as though there has to be some sort of… it’s hard to compare. It’s hard to compare a sentimental gift and a gift of monetary value, but I definitely think a gift of sentimental value matters more. It’s just you have to be careful with that comparison.”

Kristian: “For sure, sentimental value. Gifts of sentimental value show that you listen. It shows that you understand me. Anybody can go out and buy me something, but then it’s just like thanks but why. The price may be high, but what do you understand about me? When you can sit down and write me a letter or make me something, it shows that you listen and take the time and effort to show that you’re engaged in the relationship. So, you know, sentimental value over numerical value.

Marlon: “Definitely sentimental value.” 

Do you feel that gift giving is a major part of a relationship’s value?

Melvin: “No, it’s not.”

Micaiah: “No, I dont think it’s a major or even important part of a relationship’s value.”

Kristian: “Actually, yes, I believe so. With sentimental gifts it’s like here you go, I understand you, I love you. It’s like I want to show you by doing this. It’s kind of like an exchange that says I recognize you or just an act of kindness. It’s not about the expensiveness of it, it’s the acknowledgement and just that exchange.”

Marlon: “It should not be. Our society makes it normal, though, or the standard. That’s new age, now people will go into credit card debt trying to buy gifts, and that’s not healthy for the relationship.”

Men are often expected to do things and want things because of gender norms, but maybe, just maybe it’s time to drop the gender standards and expectations and look at what the individuals want when it comes to gift giving.

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• love language
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