In this, the season of love – those of us unhappy about our lack of February 14 reservations are beginning to make plans to avoid a repeat. But there are some strategies of attraction that belong in the trash right next to the pink Lindt Truffle wrappers and the price tags from oversized teddy bears holding hearts. No one is falling for them – and the world is asking – can we just not?
1) Wearing skimpy tank tops w/ exposed bra strap and baggy sweatpants and claiming to “look gross” or be “wearing sweats.”
Can we just not? First of all – “sweats” is plural – sweat pants, sweat shirt. Two items. Second of all – showing off your upstairs area is great – wonderful – your prerogative – more power to ya – show em whatcha got – but stop acting like you don’t know exactly how good you look in that almost-too-small-but-not-quite-look-at-my-Pilates-waist ribbed tank. You do not look gross. We can see that you put on makeup. No one is buying it. So please, let’s just not.
2) Tight ballerina buns on top of your head.
Are you figure skating in the Olympics? Are you Natalie Portman in Black Swan? No (thank God)? Then can we just not and say we didn’t. This hairstyle was specifically designed to not allow a single hair to move so that spectators and performers would pay attention to bodies without hair getting in the way. You may be trying to send the message “look, I’m graceful and poised and look great in a tutu” but all anyone’s getting is “I did NOT wash my hair this morning and I hope there’s enough grease to look like gel.”
3) Clutch bags.
Why do these even exist? How do you not have a strap or something to hold it over your shoulder? It’s literally having something in your hand all. The. Time. Can we please oh please just not.