Ah, l’amour is in the bitterly frigid February air, and discounted Peeps are lining up the shelves of CVS. You know what that means: Valentine’s Day is upon us. Oftentimes, Haverfordians tend to feel like the campus crimps their smooth style, leading to copious dates that alternate between romantic strolls to Wawa, The Coop, and Chipotle. If they’re feeling extra fancy, it’s a Jules night. And on the morning after, it’s a sweet little Dining Center brunch. The freshly squeezed OJ and waffle machine are enough to tickle the heart. Has a better place than Haverford College ever existed to set the mood?
Other typical dates include: stressing (together!!!) in the library watching the zits on each other’s foreheads gleam and grow as the night wanes on, and hiding in their dorms, leaving friends to wonder if their favorite couple has committed a tragic act of Romeo and Juliet passion, rendering them into star-crossed, Havermarried phantoms.
It’s beautiful, the kind of flirtation that will hopefully inspire Sam Smith’s next album. But what of those that do not have a significant other? Or a significant friend with benefits… That they secretly love but can’t tell their feelings to because they have to feign indifference in order to seem cool, cold, and completely desirable? Lucky for these poor unfortunate souls, I’m a pro at snagging the papis. And, well, I haven’t gone for the mamis, but hey, it can’t be too different. Here’s a list of wonderful, creative ways to get yourself the woman or man of your dreams, your ultimate Campus Cutie:
1. Hook up with someone else. In front of them. Nothing says, “I want you” like sticking your tongue down somebody else’s throat.
2. Pay an A cappella group to hide underneath their bed. As your cutie drifts into an unsuspecting sleep, the a cappella group shall lull them with a surprise love song. It won’t be horrifying at all, and your lover will surely appreciate the private serenade while they’re trembling naked underneath the sheets.
3. Draft a gaggle of geese to join your army. You shall enter the battlefield- of love!- and with your geese, you shall ambush the target- your love!- and serenade him or her with the glorious, precious sounds of honks. As your love begins to cover their ears in pain, and the geese begin to encroach upon their target and attack them for your love’s negative reception of nature’s music, kill the geese! Then eat them. What better way to woo than to provide song, salvation, and sustenance?
4. If you want a Haverbro I suggest doing things Hansel and Gretel style. Leave a trail of protein powder that they can lick until they get to your feet, look up, and see your beautifully terrifying face staring back at them.
5. Send an announcement to The Weekly Consensus detailing every single thing you’d do to this person if they were to spend a wild, sex-fueled night with you. The whole student body will awww at the fearless PDA, grab your cutie, and hoist them into your arms. Have fun ;).
6. Throw rocks at their window. Break the window.
7. Tie them up to the rails of the SEPTA R100. Disguised, of course, as a contemptible kidnapper. As they scream for their lives while the train begins zooming closer, change your disguise and transform into the Superhuman they’ve always dreamed of. After you rescue them from a potentially grisly death, they’ll just have to kiss you for your successful attempt at keeping them alive!
8. Act like a pompous prick if your lover catches your eye and approaches you at a social event. As they start conversation, continue the dialogue with a tirade of condescending and detrimental remarks. After all, the strongest aphrodisiac out there is a deteriorated self-esteem.
9. Give them a call. Breathe deeply. Don’t say anything else. They’ll know.
10. Get swole. So swole, Earth’s crust cannot maintain your weight, and you sink within. You meet the Greek Titans that have been caged in the core of our planet for thousands of years. You battle Zeus together. You rule Olympus. You’ve gone from babe status, to God status. You’re welcome.
11. Bring them to the Observatory, but only after attaching a rocket-fueled engine beneath. Launch yourselves into space. Inhabit a planet together. Don’t just get laid, begin a new race of humanity together.
12. Hate them fervently and explicitly, because everyone knows there’s only a fine line between love and hate.
Happy Valentine’s Day!