What I hope my first tattoo will represent

What I hope my first tattoo will represent: 

“It has to be something dumb and stupid, it’s your first one!!” someone told me on my 18th birthday. I promised myself long ago I wouldn’t put something dumb and meaningless on my body. I pondered ideas for months, “A Hawaii-theme tattoo? My favorite quote? My favorite food? A taco? An actor?? Bradley Cooper???” After many Google searches, I settled on an animal I often overlooked until 5 years ago.

After my grandmother’s passing in December 2017, a classmate shared an experience she had gone through two years prior. She said that when she sees butterflies, her grandmother is giving her a sign that she is with her. They often came at times when she needed a reminder the most. I took her advice in the early days of learning what grief is and navigating its odd highs and depressive lows. I believe that my grandma is with me whether or not I can see or feel it, no one can or will change that belief. And I absolutely hate putting her in the past tense.

She is with me when:

I got my license and drove alone for the first time

I had my first surgery 

I started senior year and reunited with my sisters (best friends from high school) after 18 months of separation due to the pandemic

I got into my dream school (UH!) at the gym and ran through a parking lot receiving concerning looks from strangers

I survived senioritis and graduated from high school

I became instant friends with Sylvester Stallone (figuratively of course)

I discovered The Godfather and Scarface and have never been more traumatized 

I packed for college and flew 2,607 miles away from home, family, and friends

I learned the ropes of college and lived alone for a semester

I went to my first college football game (oh she loved it!!)

I hiked up mountains and through valleys, to waterfalls and historical sites 

I cheered on my favorite football teams for the first time away from home

I found a love for Panda Express and bento boxes, a weekly indulgence 

I learned how to live without Mexican food (a hard battle)

I learned The Bus routes and how to score a good seat

I walked to class in a rainstorm (thank God for umbrellas!!)

I made the dean’s list in my first semester of college 

I flew alone for the first time and paid $20 for a hamburger 

I watched the super bowl for the first time away from home

I found my style (shorts and tank tops mostly!)

I found the true meaning of kindness and the lengths that it can go

I feel alone, stressed, overwhelmed, and even excited, bouncing off the walls with happiness

Moments big and small, she. is. there.

And when the butterflies come around, it’s her. I believe when I see multiple, it’s her, other family members, and family friends who have come along to see what’s happening.

Late one night the thought came to my mind, “That’s it! A butterfly tattoo!!”

It is true what that friend said to me now 5 years ago, they come around at times I need a reminder the most. Just like a butterfly changes over its lifetime, I most certainly have too. I hope that my way of dealing with grief can help others that struggle with it.

• butterfly
• college
• greif
• life
• life lessons
• mental health
• mental wellness