Rory Stratford is visiting her boyfriend at school. As the morning approaches, they’re spaced apart in his twin-size bed. It’s been two weeks since they saw each other last. As the alarm sounds and they’re awakened, they spoon. They hit snooze a few times to savor the moment. She feels secure waking up beside him. Before long, she’s throwing the covers off of herself and heading toward the bathroom. But not before Brock grabs her arm and pulls her in. She hops on top of him; things steam up.
Madison Taylor texts Nick to see if he’ll be around tonight. Her face is drawn as she realizes he’s spending the night in Cape Cod for his grandparents’ 50th anniversary party. But she doesn’t let this stop her. She makes plans—without him. She makes a point to shave and throws on her black lacy panties with the matching bra. Over it, she dons black leggings and a white lace top. She won’t end her night without getting a little bit of satisfaction.
These anecdotes were submitted anonymously for the sake of this piece after reviewing entries from The Sex Diaries Project: What We’re Saying About What We’re Doing by Adrianne Cohen. Their names have been changed.
After reading the diaries of 1,500 people, and counting all different ages and genders, Cohen has a theory. Well, a few theories. But most interesting, perhaps, is the following: Relationships are not black and white. Everything we think we know about relationships and what is actually true about them are two very different things.
Not all relationships are not complex. In fact, some are so simple that we wonder if they can even be classified as such. They’re also not on the minds of all, as we may assume. Not everyone is in a relationship or taking the steps towards one. They aren’t all good or all bad. Particularly in college. And the sex lives of college students help reveal such.
After leafing through the many submissions given to Cohen, the question of whether college diaries in particular would bear the same findings lingered. So, I took two college students – Rory and Madison – and asked them to keep a diary of their sex lives for a weekend. I then asked History professor Louis Kern, Ph.D., who teaches “Exploring Love’s Body” at Hofstra University, to analyze them. What Kern discovered is that – similar to Cohen – sex reveals more about relationships than we could ever imagine.
People want different things out of their relationships. There is also more to just wanting a relationship – this may not be everyone’s immediate goal. Sometimes, it’s just mere company. Other times, it’s maintaining what they already have.
Rory and Madison bring this theory to light.
Rory and Brock finally get out of bed at 12pm. They get some homework done, laughing giddily beside one another until Rory falls asleep on Brock’s lap in a Laz-E-Boy chair—not entirely large enough to fit the both of them. When they get up an hour later, Brock takes her to the Duke Gardens. There are romantic trails lined with flowers, igniting the passion between the two. They hold hands, but it’s a rare occasion.
“It seems as though she appreciates his gentlemanly traits,” said Kern. “This is her way of reciprocating.”
Brock is considerate. As the two walked back from a movie in the pouring rain, he hands her his umbrella, taking the pellets for himself. He watches Sex and the City episodes because he knows they’re Rory’s favorite.
Instead of reciprocating the same way, Rory chooses to show her respect by shying away from public displays of affection. Kern suggests that this solidifies their mutual relationships and ultimately makes their bond even stronger.
This isn’t the case for Madison. Nick doesn’t seem to be out for anyone but himself and yet, Madison sticks around.
She writes at 10 p.m., “FINALLY had sex. But like usual, it’s just mediocre. Why do I keep hooking up with Nick when it isn’t even that great?”
Kern believes she’s fighting the “slut phenomenon.” Dating back to the 1940s, it was taboo to have sex before marriage and even more taboo to sleep with multiple men at a time. And if you weren’t, in fact, married but were in a relationship with another, it was assumed that you were having sex.
Madison solidifies this notion.
“She has a sort of obsession that there ought to be one person,” Kern states. “Even for your generation, that’s a very important thing.”
What Kern is suggesting is despite the fact that Madison isn’t satisfied with her sex life, she sticks around for the sake of consistency. If she’s sleeping with one person, she won’t be frowned upon by society. So she sacrifices her own well-being for the sake of his own.
“He think his penis is the root to Nirvana,” Kern says.
Men believe they’re knowledgeable and wiser than women, but that’s not the case here. He’s unaware of how to please Madison. However, she brings it upon herself, seeing as she doesn’t teach him. She’s unsure of her own body.
Though it’s believed that women grow more secure in their relationships as more time passes, this may not actually be true. Madison may have kept Nick as a constant hookup buddy but it didn’t change how she felt. The same goes for Rory.
She writes: “We want to have sex, but I’m afraid because I have my period. He tells me he doesn’t care, so I suggest we go to the shower…I don’t have an orgasm. I think this is because I was a little stressed that my period was kind of heavy.”
Kern believes it’s our culture that is to blame. Further, he says, it’s a culture of shame.
“It’s sad that she’s this insecure,” he says.
But Rory isn’t alone. Though Kern says that menstruation should be accepted as a natural part of life, women don’t always accept it as such. Incorporating menstruation with sex “preys on her mind,” says Kern. So much so that she was unable to orgasm.
Despite the fact that Brock was eager to get going regardless of the circumstances, Rory was hesitant. She would’ve rather abstained than tainted the aesthetics she’s implanted in Brock’s head.
Kern is adamant that menstruation shouldn’t affect a relationship’s sex life even though some men are turned off by it. Still, though, he admits that aesthetics are important to any relationship. They drive our sexual desires.
For Madison, this means dressing the way she does when she goes out. Though Nick wasn’t available for sex on the night she wanted it, she dressed the way she did to captivate a man suitable to her needs. Her subconscious decisions to shave, wear a matching bra and panty set and slip into tight clothes happened as they did because she was seeking a mate to quench her sexual thirst.
In the end, Madison won’t stay with Nick unless he is able to measure up. We don’t stay with mates unless they appeal to our many senses.
Take Brock. Brock’s a boob guy. “He always tells me when we’re together, on the phone or via text that he is ‘obsessed’ with my breasts,” Rory writes. “He loves to lick and bite my nipples, and I never oppose.”
It’s clear that Rory has what Brock is seeking because they have a stable, healthy relationship in all aspects, including sex.
“If he’s seeking a mate,” Kern explains, “he’s going to seek someone who’s more well-endowed.”
Rory suits this.
Despite the fact that Rory and Madison have opposite stories, different relationships, and unique sexual experiences, one thing draws them together.
“The interesting thing to me is that there seems to already be, for both people, a fixed attachment,” Kern says.
One relationship is seldom just like the other. And though many believe that it’s everyone’s intention to be in a relationship or striving toward one, diaries everywhere point to false. It’s not necessarily relationships that drive us, but sex.
Whether sex makes relationships stronger, validates our feeling of self, or just plain and simple rocks our world, it’s the element that is consistent throughout. We like sex. We want sex. Sex changes things and defines who we are and how we act.
Just ask Rory and Madison – they’ll tell you.