A few months ago, I was the healthiest I’d ever been. I was lifting the heaviest, running the most, doing yoga, eating healthy, and getting adequate sleep, and the scale often reassured me of these things. My weight was steady (with a comfortable five-pound fluctuation), and I was pleased with how I looked, though I knew I would never be satisfied or confident enough to wear tight jeans and a crop top without a jacket to cover me.
Growing up, I was always active. I played sports for as long as I can remember, and I have continued playing at college. The catch for me, though, was that I was never thin like the actors I saw on tv or scrolling through instagram. From a young age, I knew I didn’t look like them. I wanted to. But I didn’t.
Although I have not fully accepted my body for how I look, I always feel my best when I am active. This past semester, I participated in the Washington Semester Away Program at Holy Cross. I had my first 9 to 5 job (internship…), sitting behind a desk for 8.5 hours, meaning my only form of exercise (most days) being the walk to and from the metro. From this experience, I cannot shy away from admitting that a sedentary life does take a toll on you, both mentally and physically.
I tried my hardest to make it to the gym after work, class, the thesis, making my own meals, cleaning my apartment, etc, and quickly learned that being an adult is a lot harder than it seems. I lost sight of my fitness, and with that, my confidence.
However, now that I am back home, I have started to fall back into my old ways: going to the gym, practicing hot yoga, going on walks, eating healthy and whole foods, and just overall moving my body. I am starting to feel better, but as everyone knows, this process doesn’t happen overnight. I have always been a healthy person. I often have to remind myself that health comes in all shapes and sizes. The number on the scale is not what it once used to be, but I am working towards feeling my best rather than feeling satisfaction from a smaller number on the scale.