Oh. My. God. My jaw is on the floor. I am in shock. I just listened to Dave Portnoy and Josh Richards’ Zach Bryan diss track called “Smallest Man” and it left me stunned. This song, and the accompanying video might be the best thing that’s ever graced the internet. For those of you who don’t know, Josh Richards, Dave Portnoy, and Brianna LaPaglia host a podcast together, and Brianna just went through a really rough breakup with country superstar Zach Bryan. I recently wrote a blog where I talked about their breakup, and I was trying VERY HARD to give Zach the benefit of the doubt, and I think that it is obvious when reading it. I very deliberately tried to not paint him as a bad guy in that blog, but I’m thinking I cut him too much slack, and that I should’ve been harsher. I still stand by what I said about celebrities being people too, and how I think Zach has a lot of personal issues that he needs to work on. However, this diss track made me realize that maybe he doesn’t have as much potential to be a good guy as I thought he did.
This diss track DRAGGED ZACH FOR FILTH. THEY DID NOT LAY UP ON HIM ONE BIT. I was truly GAGGED when I watched it for the first time. I literally could not stop gasping because I could not believe what I was hearing. The lyrics of this song are MASTERFUL, and I think this could go down as the best diss track of all time. Lets do a deep dive into these SCATHIING lyrics.
“I said trust me
Caught your pants on fire
Tinder, Bumble, Raya
Knew you was a liar.”
Damn. The literal second I heard them mention Raya I knew I was in for a good one. Raya is the celebrity dating app that Zach was found on while he was with Brianna, and upon hearing this I knew that nothing would be off the table for this diss track. I think it’s been pretty obvious even before the breakup that Dave and Josh didn’t like Zach, so the fact that they are saying that they knew he was a liar is not totally surprising, but is still a great lyric.
“You’re a d**chebag
You just made a new rival
Pretty soon you gonna need a revival.”
Revival is the name of one of Zach’s most popular songs, and I love how they were able to turn it against him. This is the first of MANY times throughout the track that they intertwine his song titles into their lyrics, and it is soooooooo good. Zach actually needs a revival after this because Dave and Josh genuinely murdered him and put him 6 feet under.
“Yeah you f**ked up
It’s about to get gory
Go and post it on your instagram story.”
This lyric is in reference to the fact that Zach made their breakup public via his instagram story without even telling Brianna beforehand. She was completely blindsided by the fact that her personal information was now out there for everyone to see, and him not telling her that he was going public with their split is crazy behavior.
“Yeah you say you remember everything
I guess not cuz you forgot about your wedding ring.
This ain’t a subtweet, I ain’t coming subliminal
You’re great at being country, without the second syllable.”
This is where things start to intensify. They used Zach’s song titled “I Remember Everything” to call him out for cheating on his ex wife. It’s been pretty common knowledge that Zach did this, but it was still so shocking to hear them mention it. The second part of this verse is just straight lyrical genius. I don’t think I need to explain why “You’re great at being country, without the second syllable” is funny, but I am so glad they are calling him exactly what he is.
“My fist plus your face, simple addition
The way you did her wrong man it’s sickening.
Imma kick your d*ck in
Then give you an adult circumcision.”
I would pay real money to see Josh Richards beat the crap out of ZB. I feel like if I was a man and I heard these lyrics written about me, I would feel so emasculated and humiliated, and I am SURE Zach is feeling those same things.
“Think we’re in Kentucky
Way I fry you like some chicken
But you’re from OK, well okay if you say so
Kinda ironic cuz soon you’re getting this KO.”
Again, just some brutal insults that no man ever wants to hear said about him. I personally have full faith that Josh could KO Zach. I would put money on Josh every day of the week to beat ZB in a fight, no doubt about it.
“You’re shorter than me
So sorry if this a low blow
I’m boutta turn this place
To an Oklahoma smokeshow.”
Everyone knows that the one thing you don’t do is comment on a short guy’s height. Men are soooo sensitive about that, and I can only assume that Zach is the same way seeing that he is only 5’6. Josh and Dave are ruthless with the height comments throughout the song, and it doesn’t stop being funny no matter how many times they do it. “Oklahoma Smokeshow” is another one of ZB’s famous songs, and I will never not love the way they were able to name drop so many of his songs in this track.
“Hey ZB, why you handing out these STDs?
These girls is itchy in these jeans
Asking what you mean
They asking doctors for their expertise
All they say is Zach gon make you burn burn burn
Gon need some anti freeze.”
I’m not exactly sure when this happened, but a while ago, text messages between ZB and some girl got leaked. In these messages, Zach was telling the girl that he had an STD, and that she needed to get tested. I’m not sure how many times this has happened, but based on these lyrics I would guess that it has happened a lot. “Burn Burn Burn” is a Zach Bryan song title, and this was a genius way to name drop it in the lyrics.
“Rest in peace if you ever try to mess with me
I’m coming at you with more arms than a centipede
Looking for pink skies, but now you’re seeing stars
There’s something in the orange and it’s you behind these bars… B*TCH.”
“Pink Skies” and “Something In The Orange” are two of Zach’s most famous songs ever, and this bar is one of the best in the ENTIRE song. “Looking for pink skies but now you’re seeing stars, There’s something in the orange and it’s you behind these bars” will go down in history as one of the best lyrics ever written in a diss track. In case you don’t know, Zach got arrested last fall after he was pulled over for speeding, then refused to comply with the police officer. He was being a grade A jerk to the cop, and totally deserved to get arrested. After Josh sang this bar, they went on to play the audio from ZB’s arrest where he is sounding like a total prick. Like I said earlier, this lyric is a STANDOUT that everyone has been talking about. It is absolute POETRY, and deserves a grammy on its own.
“Itty bitty Zach
Sh**ty sh**ty tats
Ugly in the face
There’s no cure for that.”
Brutal. Just brutal. The name “Itty Bitty Zach” seems to have stuck, because now so many people are calling him that. Again, “itty bitty” is not something that a man EVER wants to be called. The insults just keep flying, and I am here for it. I know that making fun of people for their looks isn’t technically a nice thing to do, but it’s REALLY funny so I’ll allow it.
“Country singing boss baby
Get that boy a snack
Throw another temper tantrum
It’s time for a nap.”
They are so real for calling him childish because he is a literal man child, and he is always throwing temper tantrums. All he does is post dumb things on social media, then throw temper tantrums over being called out for it. I also do see the resemblance to boss baby to be honest.
“Think you’re on some sh*t
Tryna diss Taylor Swift
Did a hundo gram stories
Apologizing like a b*tch.”
This is one of my favorite parts of the whole song because he deserves to get trashed for attacking Taylor totally unprovoked. About a month or two ago, ZB randomly got on twitter and posted, “eagles > chiefs, Kanye > Taylor, who’s with me.” Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that no one is with you Zach. To this day this might be the most idiotic thing he’s EVER done. Dissing Taylor unprovoked is a recipe for disaster on its own, but saying that Kanye is better than her is truly one of the most moronic takes I’ve ever heard. How brain dead do you have to be to post this, and not expect backlash. And like he always does, he posted some lame apology on his instagram story saying something about how he was drunk and that he didn’t mean it that way. I am not surprised at all that Dave called him out on this because the only person who defends Taylor as hard as I do is Dave.
“5’5, 5’6
Get some chapstick for those lips
Looking like a little kid
Smallest man who ever lived.”
Again with the short jokes! I love to see it. And I absolutely LOVE calling him “the smallest man who ever lived” because not only is this a joke about his height, but it is a reference to the Taylor Swift song titled just that. The fact that they named the diss track “Smallest Man” is so great because it references the Taylor song, but it also alludes to just how short this guy really is. He is small in frame, and in personality.
“Lyin’ Zach Bryan
I know all this sh*ts deep
Bet your Raya profile
Said that you were 6 feet.”
“Lyin’ Zach Bryan” seems to be another nickname that has stuck, which is great because it has such a good ring to it. That’s literally the only name I can call him now. I love how they were able to circle back to his Raya profile, and make fun of his height AGAIN. I would not be surprised if his Raya profile actually did say that because guys like him LOVE to lie about their heights. If this song proved anything, it’s that ZB is teeny tiny.
“From the looks of all your tweets
I’d say you’ve got a booze problem
Such an alcoholic
Alcohol has a you problem.”
Now I know that alcoholism is a serious disease, but I agree with Dave and Josh because I also think he has a severe problem with alcohol. Like I mentioned before, he CONSTANTLY posts strange/controversial things on social media, then apologizes and says that he was drunk when he posted it. I think that’s one of Zach’s biggest issues right now, and he would be so much better off if he could get the help he needs. I would not be surprised if he goes to rehab in the near future, and I hope he can get sober and fix up his life.
“If Zach is awake
I know that he’s been drinking
Head looks like a lego
Hair like Homer Simpson.”
Telling someone their head looks like a lego is such a random insult but it’s so funny because it’s SO true. No offense to ZB, but he does kind of have a block head. They are also insulting the fact that he is balding, and even though it seems like low hanging fruit, they find a way to make the insults so creative and funny.
“This is for the women that you’ve cheated neglected
Music is infectious
But your penis is infected.”
Even before Bri and Zach split up, it was common knowledge that Zach is a serial cheater. He has cheated on so many of his ex girlfriends, and I’m glad they are calling him out for being a pig. He literally cheated on his wife while she was deployed in the military, then sent her a letter saying that he wants a divorce while she was serving overseas. Isn’t that such a scumbag move? I also am loving how Dave and Josh just will not let the STD thing die.
“You gave out STDs
And then you start to spiral
Zach, that’s not what we mean by going viral
If you meet another girl off an Instagram caption
I hope they know that feelings ain’t the only thing they’re catching.”
They clocked him so hard with this verse because it is painfully accurate. He seems to have a pattern of meeting girls online, and giving them STDs. He also is a routine offender when it comes to spiraling on social media.
“Little evil face tried to split up Bri and Grace
Your whole styles Morgan Wallen
Tyler Childers copy paste.”
The Bri and Grace line had my jaw on the literal floor. For the longest time there has so much discourse over their friendship, and the struggles the two of them have had together this year. It’s no secret that their friendship has gone through some rough patches, and most people blamed this on Brianna’s relationship with Zach. Although it was kind of obvious that he was the reason their friendship was getting rocky, it’s still so shocking to get confirmation that we were all correct. Zach tried to destroy their friendship because he didn’t like how successful they were together, and Zach wanted Bri all to himself. Brianna has been best friends with Grace since childhood, and the fact that Zach would purposely ruin something that special shows how awful he really was to her. Zach hearing those lyrics comparing him to other country stars must have felt like a gut punch to him. It is CLEAR that Zach is really insecure, and is intimidated by other country singers. Saying that he is a copy paste of other artists is BRUTAL but I love it.
“You think that you’re hard?
Close but no cigar
Whose idea was it to give this oompa loompa a guitar?”
Calling him an oompa loompa is LETHAL because it’s so true. This line made me laugh out loud. I know that Zach was fuming listening to all the different ways they called him short.
“Cheatin’ ass boy your existence is insulting me
You can’t even put the adult in adultery
Don’t take accountability for anything you did
Can’t blame you, you’re just a 30 year old kid.”
I LOVE it when they call him out for being childish, and for not taking responsibility because that’s honestly one of the things I dislike most about him. I have been beating this drum for AGES. Zach is incapable of being accountable for his actions. He would do something dumb, let Brianna do his dirty work by defending him on her podcast, then he would post an instagram story talking about how he’s had a rough year. It’s the same thing every single time.
“Never seen someone so scared of what the people say
Would’ve thought that NDAs were in your DNA”
This is a shout out to ALL of the NDA’s that Zach has made people sign. Zach treats people like crap, then pays them to sign an NDA that forbids them from talking about how horrible he treats them. This has happened multiple times. This shows that even he knows he’s in the wrong in all of these situations because if he was proud of the way he acted, it wouldn’t matter if people spoke up about it or not. He knows that what he did was wrong, and that’s why he’s trying to bury it.
“Too drunk for Fenway?
Zach God d*mn
Even Noah knows you’re the real Kahan man.”
THIS IS MY FAVORITE LYRIC, AND THE ONE THAT HAD ME THE MOST GAGGED. I was absolutely FLOORED when I heard this for the first time. NOTHING could have prepared me for this line. For a little context, this summer Noah Kahan had a show at Fenway Park a day after Zach performed a concert at Gillette. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE thought that Zach was going to be a special guest at Noah’s show. It just made too much sense. Zach was already in Massachusetts, and they have a song together that they could have performed live. Noah also had a show at Fenway the night before, and he brought out two special guests. It wouldn’t make sense for him to bring two guests out on the first night, but then not bring out anyone for closing night. We were all CERTAIN that Zach was going to be a surprise guest. I was at the concert, and while I was there my friend who’s brother works at Fenway said that they were planning on having Zach make a surprise appearance. There was also talk of security guards telling fans that Zach was going to go out on stage. Clearly, I had it on GOOD AUTHORITY that Zach was scheduled to be a guest. However, I’m watching the show, and in the back of my mind I keep wondering when ZB is going to get on stage. Eventually, towards the end of the concert, Noah says something along the lines of “I had a really great guest planned for you guys, but the plans fell through.” The second he said this I checked my phone and saw that my friend’s brother who works at Fenway said that ZB canceled last minute because he “lost his voice or something.” As soon as I heard that I knew something was suspicious. After the concert, I got in the car and posted a rant on my private story BASHING Zach. I was laying into him about how upset I was that he would do that to Noah. Clearly it was a last minute cancellation seeing that Noah didn’t have time to get another guest, and because before the show the venue staff was saying that ZB was scheduled to go on. I knew that something shady was going on, and I was just putting the word out there. Shortly after this, the story started to go viral on twitter. The story quickly went from Zach “losing his voice” to Zach being too drunk to perform on stage. There were many variations to the story, and one of them was that Zach got too drunk in his dressing room before going on, so he had to cancel. SO MANY people were talking about this. It was a massive story, and I kept trying to tell people that Zach was in the wrong, and that this was a messed up scenario. It wasn’t until a few days later that Brianna went on her podcast and told everyone that the story of Zach getting too drunk in the dressing room was totally untrue, and that he wasn’t even at the concert that night. This made everyone move on from the story and accept defeat. I also eased up on my argument, but I couldn’t help but notice that she never said that he didn’t cancel. She just said that he wasn’t even at the show. The story died out, but I was still CONVINCED that something shady went down, and everyone thought I was crazy. Imagine how I felt when months pass, and I finally get vindicated on a random Tuesday night through a Dave portnoy diss track. It felt unbelievably good to finally get confirmation that I was right all along. He WAS supposed to be a guest, he DID get too drunk, and he DID cancel on Noah. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT AND NOW EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS IT TOO. They clocked him so bad because I know that Zach never wanted this story to see the light of day, but thank God it did. It proves that I’m right, and it proves that Zach is a jerk.
“Consider this a warning for the next girl that dates you
We know for a fact that your whole band hates you.
Thought you had some hot shit, me and Josh froze it
Always been a loser now the whole world knows it.”
Saying his whole band hates him is crazy, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. If he could treat his girlfriend that badly, what’s stopping him from doing the same to his band? He clearly has an ego issue, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he acts like he miles above the people in his band, and treats them like crap. He really is a loser to the highest extent of the word.
The video ends with Josh and Dave having a conversation with each other where they say,
Josh: I mean, we should’ve known the first signs. Who picks Kanye over Taylor?
Dave: He’s 5’2. Mans 5’2 and kicked Peaches outta the dressing room.
Josh: Smallest man who ever lived. You already know we’re smoking on that ZB pack all
night long.
Dave: 72 hats still bald as f*ck.
Josh: Needs to go fix his hairline. Send him to Turkey headass.
Kicking Miss Peaches (Dave’s beloved dog) out of the dressing room might be the most heinous thing Zach has ever done. Mrs. Peaches is literally loved by the entire world. Kicking Peaches out of the dressing room tells you everything you need to know about the type of guy Zach is.
After this conversation, Josh and Dave start to sing a parodied version of Zach’s song 28. This song was written about Brianna, and the chorus goes:
“How lucky are we?
It’s been a hell of a week, but you’re all grown now
There’s smoke seepin’ out of your bloody teeth
But you’re home somehow.”
This is one of his most well known choruses, but Josh and Dave made their own version with the lyrics:
“How lucky is Bri
To be free from ZB
And his STDs.”
Parodying his own song is NASTY work in the best way possible. Now everytime someone hears one of his most famous songs, they will think of Dave and Josh’s lyrics. This song is now FOREVER tainted, and that brings me so much joy.
I cannot put into words how much I love this diss track. It is absolute perfection, and deserves to go triple platinum. I am so glad Zach is finally getting called out on all of the crap that he has put people through, and it feels so good to finally have proof that I have been right about him all along. The songwriters deserve every award out there because these lyrics are TOP TIER. Although I am totally here for all the shade they are throwing at Zach, I still do sincerely hope that he gets the help he needs. It’s obvious that he is not normal, and hopefully by working on himself, he can become a better guy than he is now. I think what he did to Bri and all the other girls is CRUEL, but I still hope he can somewhat redeem himself. Overall, this diss track is one of the best things I have ever heard in my life, and I don’t think I will EVER get over how amazing the lyrics are. They came for BLOOD and they absolutely dog walked him. It was beautiful to watch.