On October 16th, Liam Payne tragically died after falling off his hotel balcony, and it rocked my world in the worst way possible. I know that some of you are going to think I am being over dramatic about this. What you don’t understand is I GREW UP WITH HIM. I have loved One Direction since I was in second grade, and they have been a huge part of my life ever since. Some of my favorite memories involve One Direction, and listening to their music has helped me during some rough times. Although I didn’t know him personally, I have loved him, respected him, and appreciated him for years. Not only am I grieving the amazing person he was, but I am also grieving the loss of something that had a massive impact on me. I’ve lived for the hope of a 1D reunion ever since they split up, and the fact that it suddenly got ripped away is such a crushing feeling. I’ve spent years imagining how great the reunion would be, but I could have never imagined how tragic things would end up. Knowing that the 5 boys will never get to reunite has been devastating to me because I wanted it so badly, and I know that the boys wanted to do it at some point too. The thought of the reunion has provided me with so much joy and excitement, and it’s hard to believe that it will never happen. Of course, my sadness is nothing compared to those who actually knew and loved him, and my heart goes out to his family and the other four members of the band. Even though I did not know him, I think that my grief for Liam is valid because his music has impacted me tremendously, and I will always remember all of the happiness he has given me. Knowing that his life ended far too soon, in such a preventable way makes this even harder to grapple with. His life was one of love and kindness, and it is such a tragedy that it had to end this way.
I hope you are starting to get where my grief is coming from. If not, let me take you on my One Direction journey, and maybe then you will understand. Here is the story of my 1D life. I became a fan of One Direction in 2012 when I was in second grade. I can’t remember exactly how I discovered them, but they were so big at the time that it was hard not to know who they were. I had all their songs downloaded on my iPod touch (which had a 1D case), and I have memories of my friends and I dancing and singing to 1D in each other’s rooms. We would watch their music videos together, and I remember making our own music videos to their songs using the app Video Star. During this era of my life, my FAVORITE 1D song was Rock Me from the Take Me Home Album. I know it’s a random choice for an 8-year-old girl’s favorite song but for some reason, I was obsessed with it. All of my friends loved One Direction, and we all bonded over our love for the boys. One of my most vivid memories is being at my friend Molly’s house, where she introduced me to “The Adventurous Adventures of One Direction.” This is an animated comedy series on YouTube about One Direction getting sent on missions to save the world. I don’t think we were aware that it was a series at the time since we only ever watched the first episode, but we LOVED that episode. I remember sitting at Molly’s family computer watching the video and CRACKING UP. No matter how many times we watched it together it ALWAYS made us laugh. Rewatching it now makes me realize that there were a LOT of inappropriate jokes in it that went right over our heads, but regardless, it’s a hilarious video that still makes me laugh to this day. I also remember getting One Direction merch for my eighth birthday and being SO EXCITED to show it off to my friends. All of my gifts were wrapped in 1D wrapping paper, and I got a 1D shirt, a Harry Styles keychain, and probably other merch that I don’t remember/have a picture of. Unfortunately at some point during the 11 years since then, I have lost both the shirt and the keychain but I really wish I still had them. That same year, I also got a One Direction guitar which in my mind was SO COOL. Even though I have no idea how to play guitar, I loved that thing.
In third grade, I got a One Direction backpack and I COULD NOT WAIT for everyone at school to see it. I haven’t been able to find any photographic evidence of this backpack and I have no idea where it could be, but I do vividly remember having it. I also had a One Direction poster hanging in my room that I was so proud of. My friends and I still LOVED to watch their music videos on repeat and sing and dance to their songs. On my 9th birthday, I received one of the BEST presents I have ever gotten in my life. I got tickets to see One Direction at Gillette Stadium. I could NOT BELIEVE it and I was beyond excited. This was my second concert ever (my first was Taylor Swift’s Red Tour) and the thought of seeing all the boys with my own two eyes almost made my 9-year-old heart explode. I STILL remember the exact moment I opened the envelope and realized what was inside, and it’s a feeling I will never forget. As you can see from the pictures, I was ECSTATIC. I will forever be thankful to my parents for getting me these tickets because now I can always say that I saw One Direction live with ALL 5 OF THE BOYS. Unfortunately, not many people can say they got to experience that.
I got the tickets in February, and the concert was not until August. As you can probably imagine, the concert was ALL I talked about at school. I talked about it so much that one of my friends thought I already went to it. He mentioned something about me being at the concert and I told him I hadn’t gone yet he said something along the lines of “oh you’ve been talking about it for so long, I thought you already went.” The excitement I felt for this concert literally lasted for 6 months without fading one bit.
We are now entering THE defining moment of my 1D fan journey… the concert. The day had finally arrived, and I genuinely could not contain my excitement. I remember making signs a couple days before the show, and I was bursting with excitement. I went with my friend Molly (yes the same Molly who introduced me to The Adventurous Adventures of One Direction), my mom, some other friends, and their mom. My friend’s mom made us matching 1D t-shirts that we all wore, and looking back at the pictures now, we looked SO ADORABLE. I wore sunglasses that said “I ♥️ 1D”, and a bracelet that said “I ♥️ Harry Styles.” When we finally got to the stadium, that atmosphere was electric. You could feel the happiness and anticipation in the air. I will never forget the start of the concert. The opening for this tour is one of their most iconic openings, and I vividly remember watching it on the big screen just oozing with excitement. One of the things I remember most about this concert was all of the screaming. I was screaming, my friends were screaming, and everyone around us was screaming. It was SO LOUD. I remember singing and dancing with my friends, and just being in awe of what was happening in front of me. I still have all of the videos on my iPod Touch, and I wish I could show them to you because they are so funny. The video quality is obviously terrible because I filmed it on an iPod, and in some of them all you can hear is me and my friends screaming at the top of our lungs. I remember holding up the poster I made thinking that the boys would be able to see it, and I was just genuinely having the time of my life. THE most vivid memory I have from that whole night happened at the end of the concert. The boys were saying goodbye to the crowd, and I was feverishly waving to them to say bye. It just so happened that as I was waving down at them, Harry turned to my general direction and waved. I can still see it in my head to this day, and it was at that moment that I was CONVINCED Harry had seen me waving and gave me a personal wave back. I TRULY thought that he was waving to me and only me. Naturally, I freaked out. I spent YEARS telling people that Harry waved to me at his concert. It wasn’t until much later that I thought about it and realized that the chances he saw me and waved to me personally were slim to none (but never zero). That night was genuinely one of the best nights of my life, and I will forever cherish the memories I made. I fully recognize how lucky I am to not only say that I have seen a One Direction concert but to say that I have seen all 5 boys perform together.
That year, I remember that the boys performed on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, and it was a BIG deal in my house. My family and I watched New Year’s Rockin’ Eve every year, but I was extra excited for this once since I would be seeing 1D. I remember my cousins and I waiting for them to come on, and we jumped off the couch when they started performing. I vividly remember watching them on TV, and explaining to my mom and aunt who was who. About three months after that, Zayn announced he was leaving the band. I remember being upset about the news, but I was so glad that the rest of the boys were staying in the band together. Despite the sad news about Zayn, my friends and I still continued on with our love for the band. My neighbor had “This Is Us” (The One Direction Movie) on DVD, so I remember watching that with her. I used to go over to my neighbor’s house every morning before school, and I remember we would CONSTANTLY watch One Direction music videos. While we loved all of them, but for some reason we just could not get enough of the Drag Me Down video. We watched it over and over and over again. We had so much fun those mornings just repeatedly watching their videos on YouTube, and I still smile when I think about those times.
When One Direction announced their “hiatus” my friends and I were extremely disappointed. I wish I could go back to a time when this was the saddest thing to happen to the band. I can’t help but feel guilty about how sad the band breaking up made me because now that seems like such a silly thing to be upset about. After the band’s split, I still listened to their music a lot, but it was not as much as I used to. Throughout middle school, I would find myself alone in my room listening to One Direction and reminiscing about all the good times I had because of them.
It wasn’t until the Covid lockdown that I fully went back into the One Direction trenches. Something about quarantine made me fall deeper into the One Direction lore than I had ever been before. The only regret I have about my time spent when One Direction was together is that I wish I had been just a few years older. Since I was so young while they were together, I was not on social media, so I feel like I missed out on a lot of the experience. Despite this, I was able to fully catch up on everything I missed during the lockdown. Two of my neighbors were also doing the same thing as me, so we would spend hours upon hours talking about One Direction with each other. During this time, pretty much every single video on my For You Page was about 1D, and I didn’t want it any other way. I was listening to them 24/7, and 2020 was the first year I really started listening to the boys’ solo music. While I loved ALL of their solo projects, I was especially drawn to Niall’s, and out of all 5 of them, he is still the one I listen to the most. During this time I ate, slept, and breathed One Direction. I feel like this period made up for what I missed out on while they were at their peak because THOUSANDS of other people were going through the same One Direction resurgence at the same time. Being a hard-core Directioner in 2020 was honestly SO much fun. During lockdown, my neighbors Sofia and Maura and I would spend every day together outside, and we would either talk about 1D, listen to 1D, or watch videos about 1D. I remember there were several times when the three of us would sit on Maura’s deck and watch “This Is Us,” and we just never got tired of it. Our days during lockdown consisted of some combination of swimming in Maura’s pool while listening to / talking about 1D, walking around the neighborhood listening to / talking about 1D, and going on someone’s deck or yard to watch either “This Is Us” or 1D videos on youtube. We LIVED for One Direction, and it truly helped me get through the Covid lockdown. I don’t know how I would have gotten through quarantine without 1D. Even though they weren’t even together then, they were still able to give me SO MUCH happiness and entertainment at such a dark time in life. They got me through quarantine by giving me something to be excited about, and they are a huge reason why I survived the shutdown. My love for them grew even stronger during the pandemic.
2020 also happened to be the year of the band’s 10th anniversary. Reunion rumors were spreading like absolute WILDFIRE, and my friends and I were CONVINCED that they were getting back together on their anniversary. We were so convinced that on July 23rd, (the anniversary) we had a 1D-themed sleepover party at my house. I made some DIY (and very low-budget) decorations for the living room, and we all wore One Direction merch. We listened to all of 1D’s discography on a loop the whole entire night. We spent the night giddy about the thought of a reunion, and we were glued to our phones waiting to see if they posted anything. I remember there was an official website for the anniversary, and we thought that was another sign for a reunion. It turned out to be just a timeline of One Direction’s life, and if I remember correctly it crashed because too many people were on it. We got posts about the anniversary from Liam, Louis, Niall, and Harry. Even though we were crushed that there was no reunion announcement, we did wake up to Taylor Swift announcing her surprise album Folklore, so at least we got something that day. Although we did not get the reunion that we were so desperately hoping for, it was still such an amazing, and fun night. This is just another cherished memory of mine that I owe entirely to One Direction.
Once the lockdown was over, I didn’t devote as much time to 1D as I did during quarantine, but I definitely remained a hardcore fan, and I still am to this day. I still listen to their music, their solo stuff (but mostly Niall’s music, I’m so sorry to the other 4), and I still keep up with 1D-related things. This summer, I went to Niall’s concert and it was absolutely PHENOMENAL. One of the big moments was when Niall played Night Changes. He switched up that part of the setlist, so we weren’t sure if we would get Night Changes, but oh my God were we happy that we did. Hearing Night Changes live was such an amazing moment, but I can’t help but look back on it now in a different light. That was the last time I would ever hear a 1D song live with the hope of a reunion, and with the knowledge that all 5 members were still with us. It is definitely a bittersweet memory. Although I love the boy’s solo music, I LOVE them as One Direction. 1D is in my top 5 on Spotify Wrapped every year (but never above Taylor), and I don’t think I could ever not be a fan of them.
Before Liam’s death, he was facing a lot of backlash online. His ex-girlfriend started throwing out very serious accusations against him (which I don’t fully believe), and basically started a vicious smear campaign against him. I personally tried to avoid reading about the allegations, and anything else involving the Liam hate train because I have always loved Liam, and it hurt to see those awful things being said about him. It devastates me to know that his last days on Earth were filled with so much online bullying. I just wish he could’ve seen how much the world truly loved him. Cities AROUND THE WORLD have been having memorials for Liam, where hundreds to thousands of fans have gathered to mourn his death. There was a memorial for him in the Boston Common, and I unfortunately couldn’t go, but I really wish I could’ve been there to pay tribute to him. Videos have shown countless fans gathered together in mourning and reminiscing about Liam. Fans can be seen singing 1D, and Liam’s solo songs together, and leaving items such as letters, candles, and flowers, to honor his life. There has been an absolute outpouring of love for Liam since his death, but I can’t help but feel guilty that he was never shown this type of love while he was still living. The circumstances of his death definitely make the whole situation a lot sadder for me, and I really wish things ended differently.
So after reading all of that, I hope it is clear to you by now why his death is affecting me the way that it is. I am literally a fan girl first and a human second. SO MUCH of my life involved One Direction, and it’s hard to believe that someone who had such a big part of my happiness is gone. I am grieving the outstanding person we lost, I am grieving a piece of my youth, and I am grieving the hope of a reunion. He had so much left to live for, and so much left to give to the world. His death has impacted me in ways I didn’t think possible. I never thought I would be this sad over someone I didn’t know, but here I am. Somehow, losing Liam feels personal. I know that eventually, the grief will lessen, but there will always be a piece of Liam in my heart.