It’s that time of year again – the leaves on the trees are turning every shade of auburn, hot chocolate suddenly becomes more appealing than iced coffee, and sundresses and sandals, the last remnants of summer, are gradually replaced by riding boots and cable knit sweaters. But all these autumnal changes are accompanied by a dark, looming presence – the panic-inducing concept of fall intramural sports. Sure, playing co-ed soccer with your guy friends seemed like a fun idea a few weeks ago when the games were still a vague thing in the not-so-far-off distance. But then the night arrives and you realize the only thing worse than your (in)ability to run is your pathetic hand-eye coordination. There’s a reason you tried out for your school musicals every year instead of the basketball team and it’s certainly not because you had some impassioned desire to be townsperson #14 in Fiddler on the Roof. As you reluctantly trudge toward the field, nightmarish memories of being picked last in gym class and scoring on your own goal in rec soccer are swarming through your head. Dear God, you hurriedly pray, please let me fall and sprain my ankle in the first few seconds of the game. Or even a minor concussion. Really any wound will do! Well, my fellow non-athlete (NARP??), you need not beg God to bestow injuries on you anymore! With these simple steps to being the best worst player on your intramural team, you will be killin’ the game (literally) soon enough!
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Keep your head low and their expectations lower: start down-playing your athletic abilities the second someone mentions sports. In a comical, light-hearted way, express your utter lack of basic motor skills. Perhaps reference humiliating stories from your days on youth rec leagues or disclose a funny anecdote about the time you fell off a ski lift. Mention these scenarios so often that your friends will begin to assume you suddenly become a paralyzed invalid the minute your feet touch turf. That way, when you are capable of merely giving the soccer ball a light tap, your teammates will be beyond impressed.
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Appoint yourself team cheerleader: Since you’ll probably be spending a good amount of time on the bench, it’s critical to perfect your cheering skills. The key is to be so obnoxiously loud that your screaming and jumping will distract the other team. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the option of adding in some sideline choreo. Let’s be real, this is the only realistic way you will ever be able to contribute to your team’s success.
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Bring snacks: Orange slices seem to be a favorite among sweaty, tired athletes (which will be everyone on your team except you). But any snack or drink will suffice! Your teammates will be so grateful for the half-time pick-me-up that they’ll forget you yelled “nice touchdown!” when someone scored a goal.
So, no matter how much you lack depth perception or fine motor skills, there is still hope! These easy-to-follow rules will make it super easy for you to have a fun (albeit humiliating) time playing intramurals with your crew!