Dear Fear,
You are my worst enemy, go away!
I wish it was so simple to just tell you to shoot. You bring so many negative things into my life and you prevent me from pursuing fulfilling and exciting things. I feel like you torment me the most.
I’ve never met someone as afraid as me. I’m always overthinking, constantly contemplating life’s decisions and being indecisive with myself and the people around me because of fear of the endless possibilities that may turn negative over positive. I fear many things… the dark, authority, adults, growing up, a certain person leaving by my side. I’ve become fearful of life, but worst of all I’ve become fearful of myself. There have been times when I’ve looked in the mirror and haven’t been able to comprehend that being staring back at me. I look into my eyes and I envision the burning of my soul or a deep dark void that I’m going to be pulled into if I keep looking. As if my own reflection would turn its back on me, jumping from the glass and pulling me in.
Fear, you make me think of crazy things just like that. Don’t you know what you’re doing to me? Give me a break, won’t you? You’re like a rotten parasite taking everything that I need away from me. I know that I have to take responsibility for this myself. But, I’m afraid of that too. I’m afraid that when I decide to gather up the courage to do things or start believing in myself with pure confidence, things are going to be different — severely different to the point I wouldn’t like it. To the point that I truly wouldn’t recognize myself, as if I’m some huge lie.
But why wouldn’t I like my own success? Would I not be flourishing and thriving? Fulfilling my purpose as a human being? Fear, my head is spinning. You keep me trapped in a hole in the ground with iron bars at the top with only a hint of light. Then that hole starts filling up with tar, and as I float to reach for the top I suffocate. Choking on the vile which is you, and as you release me from your grip, I become conscious just to suffer the pain all over again. I can’t get out of your wraps it feels like. You’re like a toxic ex that says that I’m no good without you. So I never leave you. I stay in our destructive relationship and you’re there to strike me down, once again leaving me defeated.
“I’m silly, aren’t I?” I ask.
“The silliest person I know.” You reply.
You make me feel lesser than I really am. You never help me out, you only prevent me from doing what should happen. You are an insufferable torture and I can’t bear to live with you anymore. You’ve wasted my time, and I’ve wasted my own. I will seize the day that I allow you to affect me no longer. This is not a goodbye, and this is not surrender. Count your days, because someday, you will fear me.
From
Your Host.