Fear. It is one of the few things that stay with us throughout every stage of our lives. As young children, we may fear the dark. As preteens, we may fear being embarrassed in front of our friends. Once in high school, we may fear not being good enough or fitting in. And in college, we may fear what life will look like once our schooling is over. Many of our fears shift, change, and morph into new worries as we gain more life experiences, and ultimately, discover bigger and scarier things to be afraid of. But I think as human beings, we all have one (or maybe even a few) fears that continue to stick with us no matter how old we get. A fear that acts as a constant monster under our bed, one that could grab us by our ankles at any moment and eat us alive. So, the question is, what is your true undeniable, inescapable, all-consuming, fear? Ā
Mine? Mine is being the bad guy. And whether you recognize it or not, most people, including yourself, subconsciously fear this as well. Ā
Now, the concept of a bad guy is nothing new. In fact, it is a tale as old as time.Ā Growing up, all the books, television shows, movies, and fairy tales had a good guy, the protagonist you are supposed to be rooting for, and then the bad guy, the antagonist whose downfall you are awaiting. In most cases, the premise of the bad guy is to teach us what we do not want to be in life.Ā As we watched Beauty and the Beast, we learned that we should notĀ be an overly self-absorbed person like Gaston. When reading the stories of Snow White, we learned that we should never be envious or jealous like the queen. The more encounters with bad guys, villains, and antagonists of all sorts, the more valuable lessons we were taught. Although, one of the lessons that I personally took away from these encounters was that I simply never wanted to be the bad guy. I never wanted to be the character that hurt someone in their story.Ā
Despite the simplicity in the introduction of the concept, the idea of what a bad guy is far more complex than one may think. In fact, the complexity of this concept is what adds fuel to the fire of this fear of mine. Psychology educator Kendra Cherry explains that a bad person means someone, āwho engages in harmful or destructive behavior.ā The label of ābadā tends to arise from the values and beliefs from oneās upbringing, experiences, and culture (Cherry). With that said, being a bad person is extremely subjective. My idea of a bad person and your idea of a bad person may look completely different.Ā But behind this question of what and who are bad people, lurks the question: What is one supposed to do when they encounter bad guys? And this question only comes with a series of others that follow. Do you confront them with honesty? Are you given a free pass to be a bad guy in return? Or are you supposed to just ignore them until they disappear from your life? I am still searching for answers to these questions myself.Ā
Yes, I know that as children we were given clear examples of villains and traits that we should not acquire. And yes, everyone has their own past experiences, mental health, and psychological attributes that can contribute to this fear and/or avoidance of falling into this role. Although, I do not believe that these reasons and circumstances are the only leading factors. In fact, I know they are not. Especially not if you are a female. The pressure society puts on girls, and particularly young girls, to always be nice and have a smile on their faces has only added to my fear. I cannot be the girl who is too ādifficultā or āsensitive.ā Even if I did not care about being seen as either and spoke up against others,Ā I have little faith that there would be a point in that either. News story after news story, I have watched how girls are vilified for telling their stories. No matter how bad the other people are, no matter how much damage they have caused, they are not the ones being burned at the stake for all to see. The reality is that women are viewed as needing to be prim, proper, and nice; no matter the circumstances. And if not, then they are at risk of being plagued with the villain title. With this in mind, it is no wonder that I, along with plenty of others have the fear of being the bad guy. It is no wonder why so many people take the high road, choose to be the bigger person, or stay in situations/relationships out of fear of hurting others. So maybe the question is not why I have this fear, but rather, what has this fear cost me? What has this fear cost us? And the reality is, it has caused usĀ to play the villain in our own stories.Ā
When I look back on experiences and memories in my life, I canāt help but see how I have tainted my own well-being and happiness. I stayed friends with people who were mean and careless with my feelings, instead of distancing myself from them. All because I did not want to hurt their feelings. I stayed in toxic and exhausting environments instead of walking away. All because I did not want to disappoint those in charge, those who I wanted to make proud. I was either going to be the bad guy in these peoplesā stories or be the bad guyĀ in my own. And I unconsciously chose my own. Ā
I was moved to write this article because I am exhausted and tired of the pain I cause myself by trying to please everyone. As I grow older, I only increasingly recognize how I back myself into an endless loop of self-abuse by having more grace for others than myself. These realizations have made me eager to do my best to release others from similar struggles and fears that I have had. It is time that we normalize the fact that it is okay to be the bad guy sometimes. In fact, it is inevitable. Ā
This fear isnāt just personalāit’s universal. I challenge you to think of a moment where you chose others over yourself, and ask yourself: Why and was it worth it? We cannot cast what role we play in everyone elseās stories, but we can cast roles and write the story of our own lives. From now on,Ā if you happen to be the villain in someone elseāsĀ story, I hope it is because you chose yourself. I hope it is because you chose to be the hero in your own life.Ā Ā