Over the years of growing up in a patriarchal society, we as women have faced many issues and defied many odds. I know I’m preaching to the choir when I say this, but our resilience astounds me every day. To look back on where we came from and to see where we are now, instills a sense of pride in me. That’s not to say we don’t have a very long road ahead of us, but at this moment, I feel hopeful.
In that vein, of feeling warm and sappy about being a woman, I want to shed a little light on an idea I’ve seen circulating more in the media: the value of womanhood and female friendships. There’s this quote that has no definite author, but it says ‘To be a woman is to perform’ and I wholeheartedly agree. That quote has stuck with me for many years, but performative feminism is another topic entirely, one that I can come back to! But if being a woman means we perform for the rest of the world, then what should we do when we’re alone with one another? I’ll come back to this, I just wanted to plant the seed in your mind…
Growing up, I was taught in many ways to see my fellow woman as competition. I knew only how to judge other women and compare myself to them. I was given this ‘it’s either them or me’ mentality, which is what a patriarchal society wants. It wants us to view each other as the enemy, competing for the ultimate prize: a man. Once I realized that all of this animosity stemmed from our societally programmed need for male validation, I snapped out of it. Throw away potential friendships and connections over a romantic relationship? I refuse. However, being radicalized against the patriarchy is a difficult and lonely stance to maintain. There are few men out there who are as aware of the situation as women are. In the era of performative activism, it can be hard to find those who are genuine in a sea of those who only claim to be a feminist to score points with said women. Ironic, isn’t it? As they fake their allegiance to the plight of women, they’re furthering the cycle of patriarchy. Being an activist for the sake of the status it brings you in this modern age is insulting, to say the least. Then there are the women in your life who are still so clearly stuck in the mindset of seeing their fellow women as competition. Those can be some of the hardest issues to navigate. Do you fight fire with fire? Kill her with kindness? Send her a link to Jane Fonda’s and Lily Tomlin’s Ted Talk? I’m not sure I have the answer, but I would suggest the second option above all. But going back, there is a bit of loneliness that comes with having such standards. I’ve felt this firsthand, as I wade through the cesspool of dating apps, and continue to come up empty in my pursuits of a romantic relationship. I want someone who gets me. Who understands my love and appreciation for women, our history, and our futures in this country. So when yet another date goes horribly, or your guy friend says something sexist, or maybe you find yourself exhausted from simply being a woman in modern-day America, what should you do? When you look around at the women in your life and you feel the collective weariness of donning the mask of ‘Woman’, what should we do?
I have a suggestion: we should stop performing. In whatever capacity possible, we stop the charade of forced femininity, and we begin to exist for ourselves. Now, what exactly that entails will be up to you. For me, it started with getting my septum pierced. I held back for so long because I’d heard so many men in my life call them unattractive. But when I set aside their desires and focused on mine, I found myself with an adorable new piercing. But new jewelry won’t cut it, you’re going to need more than that if you want to hold strong in your convictions. Enter the importance of female friendships.
In my opinion, there is little more sacred than the bond shared between women. The universal experience of being a woman is a language that can be spoken only with each other. I’ve tried before, to explain it to a man, and there are just truly no words for it. Only with your fellow women can you stop performing. Only with them, are you allowed to just exist- to just be yourself, a woman. But not a woman in the way that men think you are. Because the idea of what a woman is, is not who we are. The way men speak about us, paint us, sculpt us, imagine us- is what they desire us to be: performers put on this earth to entertain them. But we are so much more than that! And when we don’t fit in their mold, they don’t know what to do with us, and we don’t know how to make them understand. So, we must turn to the women in our lives to be understood and welcomed as we are.
My female friendships are essential to my life. They sustain me in ways that I often have trouble putting into words. But overall, they nourish my heart when a romantic relationship cannot. It’s difficult when you desire romance but don’t have it. And while it’s true that platonic love cannot satisfy your soul in a way that romance can, platonic love can at least quench the thirst.
In the end, we are all still performing in some way, whether we like it or not. So, I urge you to seek out your fellow women, so that you have somewhere to rest for the times when donning the mask of ‘Woman’ becomes too much.