My first friend breakup that I can remember was in the fourth grade when my best friend at the time told me she had found a new BFF. I was devastated, of course. I went home and cried to my mom, begged her to stay home from school, and wished with all my heart that she’d change her mind and still want to be my friend. I couldn’t understand what went wrong. Had I done something? Said the wrong thing? I wanted answers, but there was no use stewing over it- fourth graders are notoriously bad at communicating. So, I wrote in my Tinkerbelle diary, made new friends, and thankfully the world didn’t end even though it felt like it was going to.
But fast-forward to the present and I find myself in my junior year of college, enduring another friend breakup. So far, my response has been fairly similar to how I handled things when I was 10 years old. I Face Timed my mom and told her all about it, I strongly considered skipping my classes, (thank goodness for snow days), and I wished with all my heart that we’d still be friends. But as I lay in my bed, wallowing, I thought to myself, why do we as a society endlessly discuss romantic heartbreak, but never talk about the heartbreak of losing a friend? I’ve been through both, and I can honestly say the pain of losing a friend is worse than losing a romantic partner. I think maybe we don’t talk about it because we never expect to lose a friend like we lose a partner. We think of losing a friend slowly, over a couple of years. We hear the excuses all the time, “We just drifted after graduation”, “She moved away, and we just sort of stopped talking”, “I guess we both got busy”, and whatever else we say to ease the heartache. We imagine losing friends gradually, and never believing we would lose them in the first place. People expect couples to call things quits. As harsh as that sounds, at this age in our lives, it’s commonplace to date multiple people; to go out and keep trying until you find the one. So, when you share the news that your significant other has left, there’s a standard response in place. We share our condolences, offer to take our friend out on the town, and prep our shoulders to be leaned and cried on. We know how to handle getting dumped by partners. But sometimes, we get dumped by our friends. What’s the protocol for that?
Whether you’re the one getting left, or the one doing the leaving, it is never easy. When you break up with a partner, of course, it’s terrible. But there is always the possibility of finding someone new. You can look forward to playing the field, flirting with strangers, or just being on your own for a while. But losing a friend? There’s no silver lining I can think of. It just plain sucks. Personally, it’s felt like a door inside of me has been slammed shut and locked tight. Where I used to go to talk about my favorite books, send funny TikToks, or ask for advice has now been closed off. Just last night a funny video came across my feed and I went to send it to my friend until I remembered that I can’t do that anymore -I’ve been locked out of her life. It’ll take some getting used to. I’ll need to re-wire that part of my brain that reaches for her and work on getting it to stop. Recently, I’ve struggled with just accepting these new terms of my life. I go from crying in the shower to slamming cabinet doors to sitting in silence and staring at the wall. Grief isn’t linear. My advice to you? Let yourself feel it all. Treat it like the breakup that it is- the heartbreak that it is. As the days go on, I’m trying to remind myself that I’m allowed to feel as much or as little as I want. And the same thing applies to anyone else going through a friend breakup! Lay in your bed and wallow. Watch your favorite sad movie, take an hour-long shower, lay on your kitchen floor, and eat the entire bag of shredded cheese with only the refrigerator light to guide you. Mourn the loss just like you would if your partner had sent the breakup text, not your best friend. And when things are feeling truly bad, and you miss your friend, just ask yourself, “Why am I holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be in my life?”
This might sound odd, but it helps to remind myself that people have free will, and, technically, they can leave at any point in time. They can block your number, delete your pictures, and forget about you entirely without ever talking to you. But do they? Look around your life, look at the friends who have stuck around, and remind yourself that they’re still here. They’ve chosen to stay by your side and continue being your friend.
Eventually, the hurt will come to pass. It will fade away and become something that you went through and came out the other side of. Again, there is no rush. Take the time you need to heal, and when you’re ready, there’s a world of people out there who’d be lucky to call you their friend.