My first year at ISU is slowly coming to a close, and it’s made me think a lot about this past year and just how different university living has made my life. If I’m being completely honest, I never wanted to go to college. In fact, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my parents making me. College was never part of the plan, never part of the future I saw when I thought five years ahead. I had two pretty great jobs back in my hometown, and leaving them sucked. I worked nearly six days a week and was able to build up a significant savings account, but that all stopped when my years at my community college came to a close and I was forced to decide my fate.
I didn’t even contemplate what school I’d go to; I went for the obvious choice: the school closest to my hometown that wasn’t too expensive and that had a Creative Writing program. Illinois State University.
Most of my first year consisted of driving home every weekend to work and to see my family and boyfriend- two things I couldn’t do while away at college. The classes were interesting, but the stress ate me alive. I would spend nearly seven hours a day on schoolwork and not have any time for myself, so I would stay up late to earn back the free time I lost during the day. I also faced such awful social anxiety that even participating in class discussions caused me shakiness, cold sweats, and mild breakdowns that left me wanting to drop the class, or quit altogether. This also took a toll on my self-confidence because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why everyone else could do this seemingly easy thing, but I couldn’t.
But even though college has upset me in more ways than one, I don’t think I would take back my experiences if given the chance to stay in my hometown instead. College has shown me just how strong and independent I am. I have the ability to live on my own and develop my own habits and routines, not to mention explore an entirely new town on top of that. I’ve made some really great friends, experienced amazing, even life-changing, professors, and have learned quite a bit of valuable things. On top of that, I’m grateful that I discovered Her Campus, and that it allowed me to feel like I belonged somewhere, even if I felt like college wasn’t for me.
During my first year, I:
- Read over 20 books (which doesn’t sound like much, but I had gone from reading zero a year previously)
- Wrote plenty of personal essays, flash fiction pieces, and poems to add to my personal writing portfolio
- Made 3 new friends during the first week or so, which led me to attend Festival ISU and get a glimpse of what college life felt like (also where I discovered Her Campus)
- Joined an organization (something I swore up and down that I had no care to do… and ended up loving it)
- Pushed myself to skip German 111 and 112 and enroll in German 115, the more advanced, second year class, even though I hadn’t taken a German class in two years, and passed with an A
- Witnessed a solar eclipse along with hundreds of others on the Quad
- Attended my first ISU basketball game
- Passed all of my classes with A’s despite not truly wanting to be there
On top of all that, the main thing I’m grateful for in my college experience so far is being a better writer and having a better idea of how I can fulfill my dreams of becoming an author. Because that’s what college is, right? A place where you learn how to live your dreams.
After my first year at ISU, I can’t say that my feelings on college have changed much. I still don’t think that it’s for me, but I won’t quit now. I was told before I moved that I would find myself loving college and eventually not wanting to return home as often, but boy, were they wrong. If anything, it made me miss and appreciate my small-town even more. And that’s okay. Some things aren’t meant to be for everyone, but since this is my reality now, I’ve learned to conform and adapt and even enjoy where I’m at in life.
Ultimately, my goal at the end of my education is not to walk across that stage, like many others, but instead, to publish a book (although graduating will certainly come before that). Because when my education is finally over, is when I can fully concentrate on developing that perfect story, that novel that tells itself in the back of my head but has no time to be produced. Writing is my passion. And regardless of what people say or think, I will make it my career.
For now, I strive on. If anything, I’m working even harder to get good grades and to get through each semester so that I can finally graduate and live my own life. I keep telling myself “just one more year.” If I’ve made it this far, I can survive one more year.
So if you’re in the same boat as me, here’s my message to you: Enjoy the little things. Find something positive to appreciate every day, otherwise your dread will weigh you down. Continue pushing your way through college, because you know what, one day I hope I’ll reach that Eureka! moment of “this wasn’t all for nothing!” And if I can do it, then so can you.