College is so confusing. It’s like, you’re supposed to be an adult who lives independently, but people still treat you like a child, so you’re still seen as naive. It leads to mixed messages and not fully being sure who you’re supposed to be. Truthfully, I came into college thinking I knew exactly who I was, but here I am, four years later, and I am different. It wasn’t until this year that I realized how different I was. I did not have a full personality switch, but I feel like the most developed version of myself yet. There is so much growth that happens during college, and many factors contribute to that.
These past few months, I have tried to figure out what exactly has made me feel so confident, as it’s a feeling that I have never been so exposed to. Throughout middle school, high school, and even some of my undergraduate year, I felt like a shell of myself. It felt like I was here, but not really myself. I just felt as if I was going through the motions, not really sure where I would end up or who I would be. Now, I notice a difference in the way I hold myself and care about myself. I think that awareness about how to make these changes in your life can be beneficial, even if you’re not implementing them.Â
As I reflect, I think that studying something that I am truly passionate about, at a level that is right for me, has helped me be more confident in myself. As I have continued my education in human development and family science, it has helped me understand what I am passionate about. Even through the struggles of writing a thesis, I throw my passion for the subject in every sentence. Similarly, this semester of graduate school has been inspiring to me in many ways. My graduate school experience has felt less like school and more like a mentorship where I am guided professionally and cognitively. I can recognize my skills more as well. Being around mentors that I value and look up to has made me feel safe and confident in the work I do. I know that I have people to help me when I fall down and people to praise me when I succeed. With all of that, I feel less like a student being talked at, and more like an up-and-coming professional who is passionate about the field.Â
Another thing that I have been reflecting on is the way that I care for myself now. There’s this quote I love about treating yourself like you would treat your daughter that has really stuck with me since I saw it a few years ago. Emotionally, I try to treat myself softly. I validate my emotions, but also question where they are really coming from. I give myself time to relax. Physically, I do not neglect my needs. I feed myself nutritious foods made with love. I do my laundry and clean and make it a fun game, rather than a chore. I wash my face and use makeup that accentuates my features, rather than hides them. By treating myself this way, I feel more self-love. In college, establishing routines for cleaning, self-care, and eating nutritious meals is so important. It’s easy to treat yourself and your surroundings poorly, but getting into a routine can help you romanticize your life more and stay on track.Â
“I treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.”
Michelle K. (2013). I Know I Deserve More. Tumblr. https://www.tumblr.com/michellekpoems/58963227721/i-treat-myself-like-i-would-my-daughter-i-brush
Finally, I think throughout college I have really found my style. I have really found my style of clothes, music, tv shows and movies, interior decorating, etc. This all came from experimenting. I tried different styles and wore different clothes, I listened to all types of music, I watched shows and movies that made me feel all types of emotions, and I went through a lot of likes and dislikes. Through doing this, I have refined my tastes, which are still eclectic, but now I see something and think “Wow, that is so me,” and I unapologetically love it. A lot of this refining and trial and error came from making Pinterest boards. I know to some that may sound ridiculous, but I know others will get it. My Pinterest boards have become an accumulation of everything that I like, and often everything I have liked throughout time. I have a digital collection of everything inside of my brain and heart and by simply liking pictures, I have found the bigger picture of me.Â
I know I am making this sound easy, but it’s not. Again, it has taken me years to feel this confident and ecstatic about who I am. I think that this feeling comes with time and age. As I’ve progressed through college, I have come to terms with who I am and who I am not. I still struggle with identity too because it is a continuous process. Maybe in a few years, I will be completely different. I guess that’s the joy of being in your twenties. You get to experiment and be so many different versions of yourself until you find the one that feels just right.Â